JustWantOff

Hi,

I started taking vicodin about 2 years ago due to a severe auto accident. ! year later I was yet, rear ended at full speed further inuring my disk...upper area.

The orthopedic said I had two options. Surgery or pain management.

I chose pain management.

I now find myself in those clinics every month paying for something I can't afford. I have a really good insurance program but I'm to embarrased to get the script filled.........Oxycodone 15mg 4x daily. It helps, but I'm getting seriously addicted. My personality has changed drastically. I don't even now who I am anymore. The weird thing is.......it makes me feel paranoid and it even gets me going like I have drank 8 cups off coffee.......

I just re-filled the script, but I don't want to go back to the pain clinic.

I do have legit pain......

BUT, I think I'd rather live with the pain than take that stuff.

I tried to go off........but it was too much. I work full time, went through a horrible 3 year divorce and now, finally after 4 years I managed to get former husband to do what he was ordered to do, which was buy me out of the house. My stress level is through the roof.........and the oxycodone makes it worse?? Yet I can't do the cold turkey. I would lose my job that I've been at for 8 years.........and I have to be moved out of this house within the month.

HELP!

Would an addiction Dr be the best route?

Suboxone?

When I tried before my legs hurt so bad i spend half the night crying, pacing and soaking in the tub.

I really want off and please please please give my any advice on how to stop this madness.

I do have a decen insurance plan yet I can't leave work for a month???

Would the suboxone be the best route?

I need to be able to function daily.

and please God.......I want my life back.

Or how about seeing an addiction Dr???

What I would really like is to be sleep induced for a month and just get it over with but yea, thats my dream......

Help me please....

Thank you!

meditation

The cold truth is that getting off narcotics is not easy. You have to want to be done more than you want to use. Here are some options:

1- go into a detox at a medically safe facility
2- go to an addiction specialist and try tapering down

Some drugs are dangerous to come off of like the benzos and trammadol along with alcohol.. Those drugs can kill you if you go off cold turkey as in seizures and death. You have to get help to get off those meds. I suggest you call a local rehab for help, they can advise you and they can help make this a bit more bearable.

Call a hospital and ask for help or most rehabs can help. There are many many places that can help you - you don't have to suffer this alone. Pick up the phone book and start calling, you will thank yourself in the long run. Good luck.

Latte

I attended a partial in-patient program with a doctor who specialized in addiction and pain management. There were also people who attended the outpatient part of the program so they would work full time.

Your health insurance program might have online information about who and what they cover and that might help you make a decision. You can also ask the HR at your employment for the health insurance manual (that way you don't have to talk to them about any of this).

My thoughts are with you.

Stagebear

Not cold at all, it's a simple truth.

JustWantOff: You have been given the best advice possible. All of the things you say you don't want to do are what you need to do. Tell your doctors(s) the truth, find a local detox and do what is needed.

There is no easier, softer way.

Nallabelle

I didnt read all the responses but it sounds like you are more dependent than you are addicted in my opinion. I would consider using your last script to slowly taper off. There will still be withdrawals, but not as bad. Your doctor may be able to help with that. I personally would avoid suboxone in your situation. It generally is intended for people with severe addictions who are abusing their meds or taking them without legit pain. Also many people who take subs are taking much more per day than you are and possibly for a lot longer. NOT TO MENTION, the withdrawals from subs are worse, in MY opinion.
Your doctor may be able to help you taper, and there is a lot of good advice in this site about OTC meds to take while detoxing that can help. Good luck

JustWantOff

Thank you for all the replies.

There are times that I feel like I'm about to lose it because I let this happen. It's not as if I didn't know the possibilites.

They had a new Dr at the pain clinic. He seemed like a legit pain Dr. He even told me of a different procedure vs the invasive on that was suggested. I think the pain clinic is a side job for him. He mentioned that he is surgeon, but now mainly handles the pain management side. He said the other doctor in the office has been doing state of the art endoscopic discetomies? anyway....he seemed very genuine and spent a long time talking to me about what I had got myself in to. Ha! Needless to say the other 25 people in line behind me were kinda pissed when I finally walked out of his office.

Dependant vs addicted?

That could be....I sure seem to have more energy to get done what needs done.

I have a friend who seemed to be able to get unliminited supplies of this stuff, so there was a period that I was taking 6, 8 and even 10 a day. But the euphoric feeling wasn't there....just a numbess. I was so angry at myself from basically stealing them from him....but I knew he wouldn't get to upset so I did it anyway. Then I had a mini-meltdown and knew I was out of control, handed the pills to my son (he is 28) and cried cried cried. Told him to only give me 4 a day......he did, but I felt so bad that I had to involve him. Not to mention how horrible I would feel if he forgot to set them out for me in the mornings and I would have to wake him up and ask him. Unreal.

For the past 6 days I have managed to take only 3 a day, except for last night. I took the 4th. Why? Just because....I needed to get a lot of packing done and it gave me the energy.

I just had the script re-filled on Wednesday.....120 little green/blue pick me uppers. I have not given them to my son.....I don't want to involve him, nor do I like him having that kind of control. Sad huh?

Latte, could you give me more information on the part time inpatient programs??

You know, it is like you suffer through this alone...you don't want to tell anyone so you try and fight it alone and slowly, at least it's what I've noticed, you start withdrawing from your friends and even life.

I know this is probably the wrong forum to post all of this....but I've been and still am going through a hellish divorce. No, wait...I've been divorced for 2 years but the former H likes me being miserable....he has failed to do so many things the court ordered, it's spilling over to me. I temporarily lost my health insurance because he fraudulently kept me on as wife. I found out, and told them.....so now I'm in the hiatus 60 waiting period. As of yesterday they said I should receive my card next week.

Ok....I'm babbling instead of looking through the yellow pages or googling addiction Drs. I haven't a clue where to start or what to say.

Is it just me, or do others feel a bit paranoid when it comes to this?

Ugh.

Thanks for listening....it means a lot right now and always

Wolfchild

Welcome to the Sober Recovery community.

Nallabelle

And the story evolves.
Give the pills to your son, ASAP. You are addicted. But, there is still hope. Sounds like youre recognizing it early. GIVE THE PILLS TO YOUR SON. TAKE 3 A DAY, NOT 4.
Go to an NA meeting. Just one. It wont kill you , I promise. This could be the start of your addiction or the end. Its your choice, but dont say you werent warned. Get the help you need now and do the work so this can be over- you are being torn in different directions.

JustWantOff

Thanks Nallabelle

Your right....I am being torn in different directions. Everything fell on my shoulders. All the responsibilites....I am simply exhausted from trying to keep my head above water and I have such a hard time asking for help.

Give them to my son again? I feel so guilty involving him. I'm supposed to be the strong one. He's 28 and I'm 46 and I feel like a failure at times and when I wake him up in the mornings ( like 8:30 , he sleeps late when he works 15 hours ) and ask him to get them for me.

I've looked into the addiction Drs in this area (Broward County Florida ) and they all seem to push the suboxone and from what I've read....it sounds worse than the opiate withdrawal. I am going to call a few of them and see if there is another way besides the suboxone stuff.

Sigh

I will give them to him tonight...

It will be up to me to go as long as possible....

It took me several weeks of sweating, leg cramps from hell and sleepless nights, stomach problems, hellashish mood swings and that lost in space feeling to make it to 4 a day....

2 benadryls at night helps alot!!

Peace....just a little bit of peace is what I need.

Doing the work .... need this mental madness to stop!

(((hugs)))

and a big

Rowan

Hi,

I'm primarily addicted to booze, but I was hooked on pills (benzos) also at one time. Something about your posts made me want to reply - not about tapering or withdrawal or anything, but about your leg cramps. And the Benadryl. Funny, because if I take two before bed it helps me too. I only take it when the pain is severe, though.

I have Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) and was wondering if you had it too. At the height of my pill addiction, the leg cramps were unbearable - somehow the pill use seemed to cause a flare-up of RLS symptoms.

Anyway. After years of waking, hot baths, pacing, stretching, yoga, I found that sleeping on my stomach helps a lot! It's the strangest thing - but when I lay on my stomach with no pillow, the pressure on my knees seems to alleviate symptoms. Maybe you already sleep on your stomach, I don't know? But I thought it would be worth the mention.

I went through a hellish divorce while in early recovery, and I understand some of what you must be going through. There are plenty of options available to you, as have been mentioned i.e. outpatient, tapering, NA, etc.

No matter what, recovery is possible. Stick around here at SR - we understand, and we do care.

kj3880

Welcome. If you read some of my old threads, you'll see I had a very similar story to yours. The answer for me was an addictionologist with suboxone and NA meetings every day for a while. I ended up with a whole new, wonderful way of life.

Here's the bad news: One of the easiest ways to tell you are a pain pill addict is when you start using them for the extra energy, as you said you are doing at times.

The good news is that you are not a bad person trying to be good; you are a sick person wanting to get well. And the other good news is that We Do Recover. I have almost a year and a half in recovery now.

Feel free to PM me anytime!

Love,
KJ

Nallabelle

I agree with KJ, the energy thing is what sealed the deal for me in terms of forming the opinion that you are an addict.
The addict that suffers alone never quits. Giving the pills to your son will make this more real and make you more accountable. There is no reason to feel guilty. You can give him the meds now or end up in rehab later with a bigger problem.
Instead of going to an addictionologist (not saying you shouldnt) have you considered talking to the doctor who prescribes the meds about a taper plan.

JustWantOff

Hey Rowan !

Yes I've had RLS for years now. Once upon a time you used to be able to buy quinine or the Dr prescribed it for RLS....not any more. And yes, your are correct....the usage has most def flared it up again. I'm talking about pacing and praying to God to make the cramps stop just so you could hold still. Even before it was bad, but this made it worse.

Damn.

Yes, I do sleep on my stomach with my legs stretched out as far as possible...over the edge of the bed so I can stretch/pull the muscles even more.

I've been doing a lot of reading on here. Sad this all has to happen, yet glad at the same time that I am not alone with the **** that goes through my head. Lots of excuses thats for sure.

1. I will stop once I finally get moved and have peace of mind.

2. I will stop once they start making him pay the alimony and I can
move and have peace of mind.

3. I will stop when all the divorce stuff is behind me.

and the excuses go on and on...

Like I previously mentioned, I have been reading this forum...for a few weeks now but just registered because I knew...it was no longer a dependant thing yet a addict thing.

Funny thing....ever since I let this all out on here, I've felt a weight lifted I know it's not enough, but hey....it is a start right?

So far....only the 1 today.

I am going to do the taper thing. Between the divorce, losing my home, trying to keep my job, moving....I really can't afford to be off work for any length of time.

That is a legitmate excuse right???

Nalla and kj....thank you for your kindness

Today is the first day in a long while that I've been able to exhale

Stagebear

An excuse is simply a convenient reason not to do something.
Do whatever works for you.

Nallabelle

Its kinda like quitting smoking. There is never a good time.
Im sure you can afford to take a couple days off to detox. If not, then do it over labor day weekend. If you have to work labor day then just do it today. Trust me other people have had to work and raise kids and go to school while detoxing. Just do it, you arent taking THAT much, the worst will be over in 3 days. Thats nothing. There is plenty of advice here about OTC meds to help during detox if you are interested.

cjsg

Hello JustWantOff!!!

I just wanted to offer my support as I too suffer from this malady. When you mention the energy you got from the medication I completey and instantly identified with you. I remember the energy and social lubrication I got out of my using. To an extent my social (or what little I had) revolved around if I had enough pills in me to make me likeable or not. Big events like cleaning day in my house (and other like houseworks) were only possible if I had taken a good dose. I would wake up, use, and return to bed to sleep until the pills had kicked in. I sold more products, when I was using. It made selling easy and I detest selling be it hard pressure or otherwise. I seemed to be better at everything, more capable. I, too, began isolating myself as my addiction grew worse. Thats just what we addicts do. Part of it seemed to be due to the fact that I didn´t want anyone to find out the extent of my insanity and part was due to not wanting to bother anyone with my crap. I completely depended on those pills to supply me with energy, make me funny, and to smooth over the things in my personality that would have required a concentrated effort on my part to fix them. Yes, I ve been there. Come often and read. I contribute a lot of my progress to the support I got here, and from the wisdom and information I read on the forum.

I do not presume to know what is best for you with respect to Suboxone. The Suboxone program turned out to be much harder than a medical detox for me.I had a million and one side effects to deal with. It helps with my cravings and lessens the withdrawal somewhat but did not take it away completely...at least not in my case. Not to mention it is around 8 or 9 dollars a tablet. I can´t choose whats best for you, only you and your doctor. I only know that if I had been taking 10 pills or so a day instead of the 35 to 50 I was taking.....I believe i would have chosen medical detox. The suboxone has been rough for me though many report that they had no problem whatsoever.

Formulate a plan and start taking small steps toward it. You might find that your mind begins to make up many conditions, and reason why you cant get clean this week.. or next week for example. DANGER DANGER.... addict mind is trying to get the intelligent human to talk and reason his/her way out of getting clean. I found that I began to find many reason why I couldnt take the first definitive step. I also found that I began to insist on doing things my way. I was a bit like the person that goes to the hospital then refuses every treatment offered and tries to get the doctor to do it the way he/she thinks. Letting myself be helped was by far one of the hardest things I have to do and I continue to do it everyday ...

Sorry to have typed your ear off, but the revelation I had about those few points has excited me soo much that I want to tell everyone. And having my brain freed from drug fog makes me want to prattle on and on. Maybe it will help someone....maybe not.

You did a smart thing by coming here. Keep coming back. With help you can make your plan. With encouragement and support you´ll find the strength to get it going. After that, you might find there is no stopping you.

I wish you good luck and offer my support.Keep us up to date.

change4penny

JWO, Hi, I'm a recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 10 months clean.
I relate to your story. I also went through a nasty divorce and had two 'little ones' when I left my first husband. Shortly after we separated, I was in an accident. I was prescribed pain meds. I had never taken them before, but needed to because of the pain from the accident. Well, eventually, I was taking more than prescribed...flash foward ten years....before entering rehab, I was swallowing thirty, 10mg of hydro or oxycodones per day just to keep from being 'dope sick', plus, I was snorting/smoking about an 8ball of coke along with it.
My point is this...I didn't start the pain pills to get high, I had legitimate pain issues, but I do feel like because of the divorce and the stress, (plus a family history of addiction), I was a prime target for addiction at that point in my life.
I still suffer with chronic pain...I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but nowadays, I take Motrin when I need it.
I've been on Suboxone now for about ten months. I see an addiction doctor monthly.
For me, the Suboxone has been a miracle pill. It has taken away the cravings for opiates, and for someone like me, who was obsessed with those damn pills, that is a miracle. Suboxone has afforded me the time to get used to a life of recovery. I mean, I take one 8mg Sub in the morning, and I don't as much as think about it for the rest of the day.
I will say this though, without a recovery plan in place, meetings, and the desire to quit, the Suboxone will be nothing more than just another pill.
Good luck to you. I'm pulling for ya'.

Penny :praying

kj3880

Tapering was a recipe for disaster for me. I tried it about one hundred times, and never could get under half my usual dose. I've never known any addicts who've quit off of a taper, personally. Everyone tries it. Every opiate addict I've ever known to quit tried by tapering first before going to rehab or cold-turkey, or DRT.

Tapering can be quite dangerous, if you go back and forth between doses, especially if you are able to get down really low for a while, then decide to splurge and, now that you aren't using as much, take your old dose to get some energy, or to "reward" yourself. You can overdose that way pretty easily, especially on opiates. So be careful.

If the tapering doesn't work, and I suspect it won't, we'll be here to help.

Love,
KJ

Nallabelle

Even with tapering your problems arent over. If you dont take RECOVERY seriously after you quit, you will fail, you will relapse, and you will end up worse than before. I have to say though, you arent taking a ton and I was able to successfully taper at around the dose you are on. Good luck with whatever you decide.

change4penny

kj...I'm with you. The taper method did nothing for me except help me make it to my next script, or to my dealer who just re-up'd, then I was back to taking my usual high quantity. I don't know any opiate addict who's strong enough to do it. I know I wasn't.

Penny