christin1225

Yep. I woke in withdrawal, just having started back on oxy from three months on Sub. Maybe four days off sub didn't truly lower my opioid tolerance? I don't know. It doesn't matter, really. It's just that waking like that is a rude awakening. Everything is far too real again.

It's amazing how quickly my "stockpile" is dwindling. (The pills that I kept and acquired while on Sub. The pills that I swore to my sponsor that I would rather die than take.) Anyway, when it's gone, I'm done. No more Sub for me. I never stopped being "addicted" while on Sub. So, if I get all freaked-out, depressed, etc (which I probably will), the family will find out that I'm an addict. So be it. Something has to change if it's going to stop, I guess.

I've decided to start posting because I forget so quickly. By noon today, I was thinking how good I feel. I had to make myself remember what it felt like to wake up this morning.

I'm anticipating Thursday to be when I'll run out. It's a little difficult to determine exactly because I always seem to take MORE than I intend. I'd stop now, but I'm in this mess partially because I can't bring myself to toss my DOC.

To all whom I've disappointed.

Sugah

You know that I'll always tell you the truth as I know it, Christin. Desperation is a gift.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

JustAYak

Christin :ghug3

I'm so happy you realize the above quoted section because you're right, something will need to change because the first way you did it doesn't work. It's not a failure if you're still willing to try. Plus random people (at least random people in my life) always tell me we learn more from mistakes than successes so I'm guessing you've learned more about yourself and what you need to do to succeed this next try.

If you're family finds out, yes, so be it. I highly doubt they will leave you alone with nothing or hate your guts for being an addict. A lot of people (as demonstrated by this forum) are addicts or alcoholics, it happens. Your kids are still gonna love you and so is your husband. It might actually relieve a little stress for you if they know because you won't have to go sneaking around with doctor's appointments/meetings, you can talk to them if you're craving, etc. I know it seems like you'd just be dumping all your problems on them, but they would want to see you beat addiction, and that's how you do it. They'll understand it.

Sorry you're having a rough time Christin but it's not too late to turn it around

Freedom1990

Yes, it is a gift.

Impurrfect

(((Christin)))

I'm sorry you're struggling, sweetie. The only way I ever found recovery, I WAS desperate.

You know, ((Jay)) is right about your family. They may be hurt, for a while, that they are just now finding out, but they will still love you and your relationships will improve. My dad didn't know I was an addict until I called him to bail me out of jail...pretty rude awakening. You'll feel a huge sense of relief when it's all out in the open.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Daisy09

Christin,

I found out about 6 weeks ago that my husband has been snorting heroin for 8 months. I still love him, our kids still love him, and we are still here. Maybe it would be helpful for you to release yourself from the stress of hiding your addiction.

Just wanted to let you know, people WILL love you, even when you have an addiction.

~Daisy

windysan

I hope it ain't too bad for ya.

kelsh

Hi christin, :ghug2

I remember my hang overs....sometimes on the weekends the first drink always came up before I could keep one down. If I didn't have anything to drink, because back then we had to wait until noon to buy beer & wine, I would have the dry heaves all morning.

I don't know about the pills & street drugs because for some reason I wanted to drink and was afraid of the pills & street drugs although my friends did use some of them after work.

I hope you can keep coming back & read, post your frustsations & any baby steps you can make towards getting sober and doing the hard part of staying sober.

orchards

Stagebear

Maybe by getting honest even if they don't suspect anything? What are you protecting, really, except your addiction?


You guess?

tbeit

Christin I'm sorry your struggleing. You are in my thoughts. It gets harder to use once we get a foundation of recovery.Try not to be too hard on yourself

scaredtostp

omg christian, what happened to you, you are still my hero and the one that helped me stop, now if you need help, just ask ok....

Dee74

I don't know you very well Christin, but I 've read your stuff....I hope you find the strength to toss the pills and tell your family.

Don't wait.
Leave no stone unturned, no bolthole for emergencies.

I'm an alkie, but I know all about not *really* being done. Half measures suck.
D

christin1225

You said it! I agree totally. It's the absolute worst place to be.

I've read everyone and I appreciate the replies.
I have no trouble with being willing to give 100% as long as I'm able to protect what my family thinks of me and I'm able to fulfill all my obligations. Of course this has been my greatest stumbling block.

If we personify addiction (as we many times do on these boards), I think that it's easy to say that it knows how best to keep a hold on us, such as reminding us of the hurts of our past or of our recent failures. My weak point is what I have always considered to be my strength... my ability to project to my family and to everyone else the person who I feel they (and therefore I) want me to be. I have succeeded in my presentation for many years because I remain in control, until this. Although I know that I have lost control...

My God, this is hard! I sit here and type that I have lost control and still I struggle because I want to believe that I have it. What will it take to make me surrender?? I want to surrender.

A guy at the AA meeting that I attend, talks of surrender as letting go of a bus that is dragging you behind it. He asks, "Why would anyone want to hang on and get dragged across the asphalt mile after mile after mile. Let go." With all sincerety, I asked, "How?" "I don't know," he replied. "After three years of being miserable, I just did."

When I think about telling my family, I want a hole to open up and swallow me. I can't bring myself to do it. When it happens, I'm going to lose who I am. (My rational mind knows that isn't the case, but it's precisely how I feel about it). It's so easy to get tangled in the dozens of reasons that I have for why I don't want them to know such a thing about me. I wish that the reasons didn't matter. I wish that I didn't know that they will be confused, disappointed, and hurt. I wish that I could tell them right now. No. I'm doing more than wishing about that last one. I'm praying. I want to be able to surrender and to be able to tell my family.

I think that I'm starting to ramble. Sorry.

Daisy09

I have to say that personally I think I would have much less upset if I didn't have to catch my husband and force him to tell me than I would have been if he came to me on his own and told me he had a problem and needed help. Of course I don't know your husband, but maybe he would appreciate the trust you show in him by admitting your weakness. I know I would have.

Wishing you the strength to let your family know how much you love them by stopping the lie,
Daisy

Angelic17

Christin, Just because you are struggling with addiction, does not mean your a failure. It often takes a few times to get it right. Addiction to opiates is one of the hardest to overcome. The reason is because you feel like crap when you stop using, and you are looking for relief. It's not easy to get clean, but it is possible. If I can do this, anyone can.

If at first you don't succeed, TRY TRY AGAIN.
We are all here for you.
Nobody here judges you.
I'm a bit sad that you fell off the wagon,
But, I am happy that you will soon get back on.

Fight for your sobriety
:praying

emmer

Stockpile..haha - yep been there lots, that's for sure.

Stockpiles are here and gone in my world, in a New york second. Never could take a script as prescribed.

So now, when your stockpile is gone (assuming your not going to flush em) you are going to have to withdrawal and then start again.

Clinging on to, and protecting your family image will keep you in addiction till you die.

I know 3 people who have reservations and won't let go ...... and I have had to prepare myself to accept thier fate.

I will be blown away if I don't find myself at (atleast) one of thier funerals by the end on the summer.

All this because of reservations - I can't stop right now because.........

Don't go thier Christin.

JustAYak

Thank you Joe.. I never really thought of it like that.

Christin, although we are of totally different ages and situations, speaking from my own experience in not telling my family (although I didn't recognize I was an addict at that point) and having them find out was amongst the many horrible days I've had. The fear that strikes you and the "What the hxll are you doing with drugs?" expressions on their faces is never comfortable. They get angry at you. They may be disappointed with you. Now my family is like a complete 180 compared to your's probably, I did not receive the help I needed (though I did not want it at the time being only 15 and unknowing). Christin, your family is different. They'll go through all the same emotions as my family did when they found out I was using drugs, I'm sure, however, I think the relief will come quicker to them (and you of course) if you tell them.

Think about it this way... If you tell them you're an addict, it more of a "surrender" and they will be able to see that you are asking for help and will be much more likely to want to help you succeed. You are reaching out and that says something. It says that you're not willing to be an addict anymore and you want to change. Your family be much more hopeful and willing to help you because you want it. You admitted you had a problem to them, it's clear to them that you want to change otherwise you would have let it go unnoticed. Those who hide it, and the family finds out by discovering it, will be seen as a hopeless addict because they did not reach out and ask for help.

Christin, remember when you admitted to a relative in the kitchen during a holiday (I think) that you were an addict? You did it right then and there... you can do it now too. Whether they took you seriously or not, it doesn't matter, you admitted out loud to a person that is part of your family that you are an addict. You have that strength and courage. The only difference this time is that your immediate family will believe you and encourage you to get clean. It's scary, but I think you will be so much happier/relieved after you tell them.

I know you can do this Christin. You want it, you just need a little push towards it. Keep checking in

Tish28

Christin, I'm with you, and I love you tons. You'll be fine I'm sure and you are one of the most remarkable women I have ever 'met'.
Take care.

meditation

I detoxed at home cold turkey from opiates back last summer. It was 2-3 days of feeling like a flu and then the rough spots were done within those 3 days. Then it was feeling weak and I had to build up my strength. I did not choose a sub route because I wanted to be done with it once and for all. For people that work finding the space and time to be "sick" to get thru this is part of the anxiety of withdrawing. But it's worth being sick from work for a couple of days than to live this way for months or years. I hope you are done with this. YOU never have to go thru this again if you choose. Sub is not always the easier softer answer. I believe you have the strength to get thru this and find some peace.

jane_668

Christin sweetie, it takes lost of courage to admit that. I know how hard that must have been on you. So now your plan failed. Perhaps you can work an alternative plan. That's being accountable to someone. Perhaps you can ask someone you trust in the program for help or ask your doctor to limit your supply.That's what I did. YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. You have to humble yourself to ask for help.

We are addicts and naturally what we do is ask for more of everything. My compulsive behavor applies in all aspect of my life. I never know how to say enough.