Girlfriend of an addict in need of help
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Girlfriend of an addict in need of help
I am the girlfriend of a recovering addict who is currently enduring a low level of active disease after being sober and out of prison for robbery (attempted break in to obtain controlled substances) for almost a year.
I have been dating him since the beginning of December. He made me aware of his past from the start. I am a very understanding and caring/loving person.
He has expressed to me that I am the best part of this day. But this has seemed to be a double edged sword. Because he feel so good and happy when he's with me he's able to ignore his problems and even forget that they exist. He had slowly been spiraling down after being triggered by a toxic relationship which resulted in his arrest. The girl made false claims, which were later this mess o The girl made false claims, which were later dismissed in court after having heard testimony from an involved police officer. The arrest made them false claims resulted in violation of probation forward she had to attend court this week. It has been very apparent the stress that has been looming over him leading up to this trial date. The only thing that the judge could do for him, even though he knew the previous case was knollied was to offer him no jail time and continuation of his probation if he plead guilty. My heart sank when we found out. His lawyer didn't want him to plead guilty because she knew that he was not guilty of violating probation.
The week leading up to this was somewhat strange. Abuse of cough suppressant medication was the first sign. Two days before his trial, he came over with a bottle of vodka. It was very alarming to me since he does not drink and neither do I. I don't drink because I simply don't enjoy it. The only time I ever really drink is if I have a glass of wine and a nice dinner for some special occasion. We have not drink at all in the time that we have known each other. Even when we are going out for special occasions, I have not drank. I want to ensure that I create a good environment for recovery.
He drank excessively, and continued drinking the morning after. That day he also took an excessively long time in the bathroom with the water running. This happened twice that day. He claimed he had a nosebleed the first time. I saw some blood on his shirt sleeve so I believed it.
The day of his trial, I had to drive him because he was not sure that he would pass The breathalyzer that he has installed in his car as part of his sentencing for a DUI (driving under the influence of narcotics not alcohol). He popped a bunch of Xanax before the trial. We came home watched a movie and relaxed. Later that evening, I found them in the bathroom with the door cracked open. Again after a 45 minute period of the water running. I looked inside and saw him standing with blood dripping on his arms and his thigh as he was crushing a benzo that he had ordered online. The blood was from where he had tried to inject the previous dose. I walked in and asked what was going on. He said that he was just taking this to feel somewhat better in relation to his anxiety when the package came in. I was not aware that he was planning on question all of it, mixing it with propylene glycol and cooking it so that he could inject it.
I walked in and try to get them to sit down on the toilet because he was staggering. I had just gotten out of the shower I had a towel on. I had to drop everything to make sure he would sit down so he did not get hurt. I did not try to take away the syringe or any of the medicines because I know from some of the literature I have read that it is not the way to do things. I told him that it was okay and that I was not angry with him. That nobody is perfect and that is perfectly okay.
After he was done poking of ton of holes trying to find a vein, he finally came out of the bathroom.
Four hours had passed from the moment that we had gotten home and he got caught in the bathroom at the moment we finally sat down to relax.
An hour and a half later he had this moment of mental clarity according to him where he realized that he is at the beginning of a downward spiral. He was supposed to spend the night but said that he wanted to leave because he wanted to get things done in the next day and start things right because he has been deviating from the program. I got scared and a lot of my insecurities kicked into to place. I asked him not to leave and I got upset. He told me that I had said to him that I wanted him to tell me when he needed space and that's what he was doing. Therefore, I immediagely calmed down and stopped crying. I told him I understood and that he had to do what you have to do because being sober came first. He was very happy with me for understanding. He insisted on driving home which was the one I have a problem with. I eventually had to let them go because he wasn't going to stay in the matter how hard I would battle with him. I waited for his call when he arrived home. He called me and was still obviously out of it. I was very relieved he was home. He kept on going on and on about problems that he was having in the resentments that he has towards the girl who did this whole thing to him. It's just further infuriated him and I talked him into a calm by changing the subject back to the things that he wanted to make a list of that he wanted to do the next day.
After he calmed down, I encouraged him to go to sleep. This was at 11pm. Yesterday (the day following), I did not hear back from him til 6pm. When he called me he told me he had just woken up a few minutes ago. I said that he must have needed the rest rather than say something like, "what happened to starting off right today?"
Moments after waking, he told me he had received a package of a ketamine analogue. He has treatment resistant depression and I have read the literature on the positive response seen in clinical trials from patients who were given ketamine infusions. He had told me he would be doing very low dose.
While we were face timing, he got his syringe ready and used the analogue. I have no idea how much, but I know it was too much. He began not making sense and not even forming sentences. It sounded like just random words. He went to get food down in the kitchen and I could see he was slightly drooling...about 20mins after he used. He went back upstairs and bgannto eat as i watched on my phone. At one moment I looked away and when I looked back he had food on his forehead. Then all over his cheeks and even on an eyelid. He was falling asleep eating. I kept waking him up trying to get him to get into bed but he wouldn't and frankly he was unable to stay conscious enough for long enough to actually get up. The call got disconnected and I tried back but when he answered he would pass out again. I began to get nervous. I could not just go to bed with him like this. I called his house phone to tell his mother who was downstairs. I told her he seemed off and had food all over his face and wasn't making sense and was passing out. I didn't tell her that he had used anything. She knows of his addiction and all of that so it was not some mystery. She said she had seen him drooling as well in the kitchen and that she would go check on him. I told her not to tell him I told her to go up or that I even called. I am afraid he will hate me for it and not understand.
I don't know how to deal with this. I want to make sure that I am doing the right things, avoiding things that are triggers to stress or anything that may cause potential step in the wrong direction. I guess what I'm looking for is just advise on things to do and not to do.
I've done a lot of reading, for both alcoholics and narcotics anonymous. I have a bunch of books now on addiction, recovery, mental health behind addiction, dating an addict, etc.
Those are just books. I feel like getting insider help would be better in my case. Any feedback on relationships with addicts (active or recovered) would be greatly appreciated. I'm not trying to save him. I know that I can't do that. I am just trying to be of help where I can. I just want to know how to properly interpret behaviors and how to react to them in a way that is good for the both of us.
Things have been amazing. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have a long history of toxic relationships with awful men. He treats me the way I only dreamed of being treated. Everyone has seen the improvement in my life because of him. My friends, coworkers, family, and psychiatrist.
I have been dating him since the beginning of December. He made me aware of his past from the start. I am a very understanding and caring/loving person.
He has expressed to me that I am the best part of this day. But this has seemed to be a double edged sword. Because he feel so good and happy when he's with me he's able to ignore his problems and even forget that they exist. He had slowly been spiraling down after being triggered by a toxic relationship which resulted in his arrest. The girl made false claims, which were later this mess o The girl made false claims, which were later dismissed in court after having heard testimony from an involved police officer. The arrest made them false claims resulted in violation of probation forward she had to attend court this week. It has been very apparent the stress that has been looming over him leading up to this trial date. The only thing that the judge could do for him, even though he knew the previous case was knollied was to offer him no jail time and continuation of his probation if he plead guilty. My heart sank when we found out. His lawyer didn't want him to plead guilty because she knew that he was not guilty of violating probation.
The week leading up to this was somewhat strange. Abuse of cough suppressant medication was the first sign. Two days before his trial, he came over with a bottle of vodka. It was very alarming to me since he does not drink and neither do I. I don't drink because I simply don't enjoy it. The only time I ever really drink is if I have a glass of wine and a nice dinner for some special occasion. We have not drink at all in the time that we have known each other. Even when we are going out for special occasions, I have not drank. I want to ensure that I create a good environment for recovery.
He drank excessively, and continued drinking the morning after. That day he also took an excessively long time in the bathroom with the water running. This happened twice that day. He claimed he had a nosebleed the first time. I saw some blood on his shirt sleeve so I believed it.
The day of his trial, I had to drive him because he was not sure that he would pass The breathalyzer that he has installed in his car as part of his sentencing for a DUI (driving under the influence of narcotics not alcohol). He popped a bunch of Xanax before the trial. We came home watched a movie and relaxed. Later that evening, I found them in the bathroom with the door cracked open. Again after a 45 minute period of the water running. I looked inside and saw him standing with blood dripping on his arms and his thigh as he was crushing a benzo that he had ordered online. The blood was from where he had tried to inject the previous dose. I walked in and asked what was going on. He said that he was just taking this to feel somewhat better in relation to his anxiety when the package came in. I was not aware that he was planning on question all of it, mixing it with propylene glycol and cooking it so that he could inject it.
I walked in and try to get them to sit down on the toilet because he was staggering. I had just gotten out of the shower I had a towel on. I had to drop everything to make sure he would sit down so he did not get hurt. I did not try to take away the syringe or any of the medicines because I know from some of the literature I have read that it is not the way to do things. I told him that it was okay and that I was not angry with him. That nobody is perfect and that is perfectly okay.
After he was done poking of ton of holes trying to find a vein, he finally came out of the bathroom.
Four hours had passed from the moment that we had gotten home and he got caught in the bathroom at the moment we finally sat down to relax.
An hour and a half later he had this moment of mental clarity according to him where he realized that he is at the beginning of a downward spiral. He was supposed to spend the night but said that he wanted to leave because he wanted to get things done in the next day and start things right because he has been deviating from the program. I got scared and a lot of my insecurities kicked into to place. I asked him not to leave and I got upset. He told me that I had said to him that I wanted him to tell me when he needed space and that's what he was doing. Therefore, I immediagely calmed down and stopped crying. I told him I understood and that he had to do what you have to do because being sober came first. He was very happy with me for understanding. He insisted on driving home which was the one I have a problem with. I eventually had to let them go because he wasn't going to stay in the matter how hard I would battle with him. I waited for his call when he arrived home. He called me and was still obviously out of it. I was very relieved he was home. He kept on going on and on about problems that he was having in the resentments that he has towards the girl who did this whole thing to him. It's just further infuriated him and I talked him into a calm by changing the subject back to the things that he wanted to make a list of that he wanted to do the next day.
After he calmed down, I encouraged him to go to sleep. This was at 11pm. Yesterday (the day following), I did not hear back from him til 6pm. When he called me he told me he had just woken up a few minutes ago. I said that he must have needed the rest rather than say something like, "what happened to starting off right today?"
Moments after waking, he told me he had received a package of a ketamine analogue. He has treatment resistant depression and I have read the literature on the positive response seen in clinical trials from patients who were given ketamine infusions. He had told me he would be doing very low dose.
While we were face timing, he got his syringe ready and used the analogue. I have no idea how much, but I know it was too much. He began not making sense and not even forming sentences. It sounded like just random words. He went to get food down in the kitchen and I could see he was slightly drooling...about 20mins after he used. He went back upstairs and bgannto eat as i watched on my phone. At one moment I looked away and when I looked back he had food on his forehead. Then all over his cheeks and even on an eyelid. He was falling asleep eating. I kept waking him up trying to get him to get into bed but he wouldn't and frankly he was unable to stay conscious enough for long enough to actually get up. The call got disconnected and I tried back but when he answered he would pass out again. I began to get nervous. I could not just go to bed with him like this. I called his house phone to tell his mother who was downstairs. I told her he seemed off and had food all over his face and wasn't making sense and was passing out. I didn't tell her that he had used anything. She knows of his addiction and all of that so it was not some mystery. She said she had seen him drooling as well in the kitchen and that she would go check on him. I told her not to tell him I told her to go up or that I even called. I am afraid he will hate me for it and not understand.
I don't know how to deal with this. I want to make sure that I am doing the right things, avoiding things that are triggers to stress or anything that may cause potential step in the wrong direction. I guess what I'm looking for is just advise on things to do and not to do.
I've done a lot of reading, for both alcoholics and narcotics anonymous. I have a bunch of books now on addiction, recovery, mental health behind addiction, dating an addict, etc.
Those are just books. I feel like getting insider help would be better in my case. Any feedback on relationships with addicts (active or recovered) would be greatly appreciated. I'm not trying to save him. I know that I can't do that. I am just trying to be of help where I can. I just want to know how to properly interpret behaviors and how to react to them in a way that is good for the both of us.
Things have been amazing. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have a long history of toxic relationships with awful men. He treats me the way I only dreamed of being treated. Everyone has seen the improvement in my life because of him. My friends, coworkers, family, and psychiatrist.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
who is currently enduring a low level of active disease
let's call it what is IS - he's USING DRUGS, that is a relapse.
in the very short time you've been dating this man, a whole year's worth of bad things have happened. here is one example:
The day of his trial, I had to drive him because he was not sure that he would pass The breathalyzer that he has installed in his car as part of his sentencing for a DUI (driving under the influence of narcotics not alcohol). He popped a bunch of Xanax before the trial. We came home watched a movie and relaxed. Later that evening, I found them in the bathroom with the door cracked open. Again after a 45 minute period of the water running. I looked inside and saw him standing with blood dripping on his arms and his thigh as he was crushing a benzo that he had ordered online. The blood was from where he had tried to inject the previous dose. I walked in and asked what was going on. He said that he was just taking this to feel somewhat better in relation to his anxiety when the package came in. I was not aware that he was planning on question all of it, mixing it with propylene glycol and cooking it so that he could inject it.
and another:
While we were face timing, he got his syringe ready and used the analogue. I have no idea how much, but I know it was too much.
and yet another:
The day of his trial, I had to drive him because he was not sure that he would pass The breathalyzer that he has installed in his car as part of his sentencing for a DUI (driving under the influence of narcotics not alcohol). He popped a bunch of Xanax before the trial
somehow in your head you have glossed over the above very OBVIOUS state of things to this:
Things have been amazing. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me
i'd worry a lot less about him, and focus on what is TRULY in YOUR best interests. he's in a bad way and is bad news. honestly, it would be best for you to get away from him.
let's call it what is IS - he's USING DRUGS, that is a relapse.
in the very short time you've been dating this man, a whole year's worth of bad things have happened. here is one example:
The day of his trial, I had to drive him because he was not sure that he would pass The breathalyzer that he has installed in his car as part of his sentencing for a DUI (driving under the influence of narcotics not alcohol). He popped a bunch of Xanax before the trial. We came home watched a movie and relaxed. Later that evening, I found them in the bathroom with the door cracked open. Again after a 45 minute period of the water running. I looked inside and saw him standing with blood dripping on his arms and his thigh as he was crushing a benzo that he had ordered online. The blood was from where he had tried to inject the previous dose. I walked in and asked what was going on. He said that he was just taking this to feel somewhat better in relation to his anxiety when the package came in. I was not aware that he was planning on question all of it, mixing it with propylene glycol and cooking it so that he could inject it.
and another:
While we were face timing, he got his syringe ready and used the analogue. I have no idea how much, but I know it was too much.
and yet another:
The day of his trial, I had to drive him because he was not sure that he would pass The breathalyzer that he has installed in his car as part of his sentencing for a DUI (driving under the influence of narcotics not alcohol). He popped a bunch of Xanax before the trial
somehow in your head you have glossed over the above very OBVIOUS state of things to this:
Things have been amazing. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me
i'd worry a lot less about him, and focus on what is TRULY in YOUR best interests. he's in a bad way and is bad news. honestly, it would be best for you to get away from him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Like most addicts, he is a master of manipulation. I would pretty much guaranty that if you were reading this post instead of being the one writing it that in a second you would see how his addiction is getting worse and that at this point this man is not capable of taking care of himself, never mind being capable of having a meaningful relationship.
I know you love him and you are trying to be supportive and understanding but being in denial about how bad things are going and how sick he truly is not helping either of you. No matter what you say or do he is going to continue using until HE decides enough is enough. Until that point, nothing and no one can help him. Addicts suck you into their sick world full of manipulation and chaos, instead of reading books about addiction to understand him, there are books about being loved ones of an addict and the books give YOU the support and advise that YOU need. Just like he decides that he is going to continue to throw his life away by continuing to use, you can decide if you want to stay or not.
It will help is you have a cut off point, there has to be a point where you say enough is enough and realize that you do not have to live this way. Boundaries help us take care of ourselves. For example if your boundary is if he drinks and drives then you are done then if that situation happens you step away. Boundaries can come in all shapes and sizes, many people how the boundary of if he relapses then I will leave- that is one of the hardest but most beneficial boundaries there is- sticking to that boundary will not let the addict control you, use you, or manipulate you all the while as life starts to fall apart ( in the end if things never change, not only does the addict destroy his life, he will end up destroying yours to.)
I hope you keep posting and reaching out. You do not deserve to be with someone who is not capable of true love; until he gets sober he will put himself and his drugs over you time and time again.
I know you love him and you are trying to be supportive and understanding but being in denial about how bad things are going and how sick he truly is not helping either of you. No matter what you say or do he is going to continue using until HE decides enough is enough. Until that point, nothing and no one can help him. Addicts suck you into their sick world full of manipulation and chaos, instead of reading books about addiction to understand him, there are books about being loved ones of an addict and the books give YOU the support and advise that YOU need. Just like he decides that he is going to continue to throw his life away by continuing to use, you can decide if you want to stay or not.
It will help is you have a cut off point, there has to be a point where you say enough is enough and realize that you do not have to live this way. Boundaries help us take care of ourselves. For example if your boundary is if he drinks and drives then you are done then if that situation happens you step away. Boundaries can come in all shapes and sizes, many people how the boundary of if he relapses then I will leave- that is one of the hardest but most beneficial boundaries there is- sticking to that boundary will not let the addict control you, use you, or manipulate you all the while as life starts to fall apart ( in the end if things never change, not only does the addict destroy his life, he will end up destroying yours to.)
I hope you keep posting and reaching out. You do not deserve to be with someone who is not capable of true love; until he gets sober he will put himself and his drugs over you time and time again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 103
Run girl - take it from me your boyfriend sounds like mine and I thought my love and my devotion and me showing him how much I care about him would make him not want to use but it didn't I ended up using also stupid me figure if I told him I wanted to use too that would make him want to stop but it didn't and I became an addict right along with him. I'm not saying you will too but I thought I'd never be like him and I ended up right there doing the stuff with him it's crazy we think if we do the stuff also they would want to not do it but being addicts we are so selfish. Don't try to save him because only person that can save him is himself and only when he wants to stop. Your love and devotion will not make him want to stop even if you threaten to leave him it won't make him stop. Take yourself to an NA meeting for loved ones and hopefully they will give you some tools and support.
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