Hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel....
Try, try, try again!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: A sunny place
Posts: 55
Hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel....
Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum and looking to give/get support. I feel the need to purge my story, so bear with me if you can.
I have been a raging opiate addict for 10 years now. I have "enjoyed" brief periods of being opiate free in which I drank heavily every night. But it was always back to the pills...methadone being my favorite as it lasts so long.
I started using when I was 21. My mother was dying of cancer and I started falling apart. My mom gave me some percocet because I couldnt sleep and they werent strong enough for her. In retrospect, I see that I already had an addictive personality because my philosophy was always "if one is good, three is better". Consequently, I swallowed three percs, got mind blowingly f***** up, and there began the dance with death. I was head over heels in love. From that day on, getting high was common place. A year later my mother is dead and I am snorting and/or chewing almost 500mg daily of Oxycontin. My entire twenties was destroyed. I crashed cars, broke bones in my face from falling in a stupor, set my hair on fire (passing out into a candle), and worse. Yet, it didnt really faze me. Or, at least, not enough to stop. I was on and off, would cold turkey about 5 times yearly, and was on subutex 10 times.
Fast forward to the present, I had been clean about 3 months and decided to go back on drugs as soon as possible. It wasnt an impulse. This was a premeditated choice I made. I get some methadone. I stupidly take 160 mg. and spend the next day vomiting. The following day I take 120 mg, not thinking about the fact that it stays in the system so long. I overdose. I aspirate in my coma and when I am found I'm blue. Amazingly, the vomit in my throat didnt fully block the airway and I can breathe a tiny bit. I end up on life support in the ER. I aspirate again and flood my lungs with vomit. I stop breathing for enough time to have a heart attack and get aspiration pneumonia. The doctors are shocked that I survive. The day I am released from intensive care, I take more methadone and continue until its gone. Not because I wanted to, but because I couldnt control it. I wept as I swallowed those pills.
Since then I have taken pills when I could get them. However, I have been totally clean for about a month. I am going to die if I dont fight for my life. But let me tell you, Im fighting to keep my head above water.
Thank you for letting me share this
I have been a raging opiate addict for 10 years now. I have "enjoyed" brief periods of being opiate free in which I drank heavily every night. But it was always back to the pills...methadone being my favorite as it lasts so long.
I started using when I was 21. My mother was dying of cancer and I started falling apart. My mom gave me some percocet because I couldnt sleep and they werent strong enough for her. In retrospect, I see that I already had an addictive personality because my philosophy was always "if one is good, three is better". Consequently, I swallowed three percs, got mind blowingly f***** up, and there began the dance with death. I was head over heels in love. From that day on, getting high was common place. A year later my mother is dead and I am snorting and/or chewing almost 500mg daily of Oxycontin. My entire twenties was destroyed. I crashed cars, broke bones in my face from falling in a stupor, set my hair on fire (passing out into a candle), and worse. Yet, it didnt really faze me. Or, at least, not enough to stop. I was on and off, would cold turkey about 5 times yearly, and was on subutex 10 times.
Fast forward to the present, I had been clean about 3 months and decided to go back on drugs as soon as possible. It wasnt an impulse. This was a premeditated choice I made. I get some methadone. I stupidly take 160 mg. and spend the next day vomiting. The following day I take 120 mg, not thinking about the fact that it stays in the system so long. I overdose. I aspirate in my coma and when I am found I'm blue. Amazingly, the vomit in my throat didnt fully block the airway and I can breathe a tiny bit. I end up on life support in the ER. I aspirate again and flood my lungs with vomit. I stop breathing for enough time to have a heart attack and get aspiration pneumonia. The doctors are shocked that I survive. The day I am released from intensive care, I take more methadone and continue until its gone. Not because I wanted to, but because I couldnt control it. I wept as I swallowed those pills.
Since then I have taken pills when I could get them. However, I have been totally clean for about a month. I am going to die if I dont fight for my life. But let me tell you, Im fighting to keep my head above water.
Thank you for letting me share this
mi vida loca
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: the desert
Posts: 351
wow--what a post...welcome to SR-there is a really great group of people on this board and the support, inspiration and knowledge here is amazing. i send my support and best wishes on your road to sober living...take care
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Wow...WOW!
Thanks for the reminder Luv, of how bad this disease can get if we don't stay serious about recovery.
Sounds to me like you need to start dragging your butt to some recovery group meetings (NA or AA are both good choices, at least to start) on a VERY regular basis. Don't think about it, just find some meetings online, and then GO ... all you gotta do is sit down and LISTEN for an hour, you don't have to say one word if you don't want to. I recommend meetings labeled "Newcomers", or "Speaker" in the schedule.
It really sounds like whatever you're trying to do on your own really isn't working. I'm thinking you need some face-to-face HELP from others who've been through this same stuff. You'll find them in the rooms of AA and NA.
Again, I *highly* suggest going to some meetings, and doing so right away. And stick around, keep posting on SR.COM. Welcome
Thanks for the reminder Luv, of how bad this disease can get if we don't stay serious about recovery.
Sounds to me like you need to start dragging your butt to some recovery group meetings (NA or AA are both good choices, at least to start) on a VERY regular basis. Don't think about it, just find some meetings online, and then GO ... all you gotta do is sit down and LISTEN for an hour, you don't have to say one word if you don't want to. I recommend meetings labeled "Newcomers", or "Speaker" in the schedule.
It really sounds like whatever you're trying to do on your own really isn't working. I'm thinking you need some face-to-face HELP from others who've been through this same stuff. You'll find them in the rooms of AA and NA.
Again, I *highly* suggest going to some meetings, and doing so right away. And stick around, keep posting on SR.COM. Welcome
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Upstate,NY
Posts: 489
You will be surprised at what you can do,most people fail because they do 90% of the work and fail to do the additional 10 %.You can do this !There are some knowledgeable people on this site ( me being the least and I'm still using too) Good luck !
Try, try, try again!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: A sunny place
Posts: 55
Thanks for the replys guys Yes, I am starting meetings right away. Ive gone before but would always quit. This is the first time I feel ready to embrace recovery.
The weird thing is that after all I put myself thru, and coming close to death, I miss it SO MUCH. Its like the cancerous tumor that Ive grown to love.
Yes, I am starting meetings right away. Ive gone before but would always quit. This is the first time I feel ready to embrace recovery.The weird thing is that after all I put myself thru, and coming close to death, I miss it SO MUCH. Its like the cancerous tumor that Ive grown to love.
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