Spycekat

Gosh guys, I have been making the STUPIDEST mistakes of my life lately!! I mean, the stupidest, most ridiculous mistakes. I am literally making myself sick. Sometimes I honest to God feel like I'm about to fall down & just die.

Frankly, it's a VERY long story about my hydrocodone addiction, which I have wrote in another thread I posted. But anyway, to make a VERY, VERY long & lengthy story about how I became addicted, it was because I had several SEVERE dental problems.

So, I've been rx'd to it since 11/07 on a regular basis, until recently & suddenly got cut off.

First off, when I couldn't find any from the streets OMG I'm so ashamed that I look for it that way. Plus, I never had to find them on the streets.

I have been taking about 15 5/500 hydrocones a day, FIVE OF THEM AT A TIME three times a day. I did this for a very long time.

The very first morning when I didn't have any hydros. I felt like CRAP. I could barely get outta bed. I felt very heavy, like gravity was pushing me down & I had no strength or energy whatsoever.

So.... I did something horrible, despicable, unbelievable.... I took one of my mom's Rx diet pills. I stole from my mother, I have never done that before!

But, also most importantly, I am 5'1" & I went from 105-108 lbs pre-dental pain & because of my pain I couldn't eat & my weight got down to 92 lbs.

So, when I took that first diet pill, I was like "omg this is sweet!" because it really helped me get through my workday & have energy to do my daily chores. I REALLY REALLY LIKED THIS! I figured, "hey I can get off hydro's for sure with these!!!"

WRONG!!!! This started about 10 days ago & I've been stealing one from her about one every other day. Now I am 85 lbs & I am just absolutely miserable. I don't eat for days at a time. But I do drink tons of Ensure & of course, coffee & mountain dew *I'm such a genius ain't I** pshhh.

AND ON TOP OF THIS PROBLEM - I found a hook up for hydro's again, & I eagerly accepted them & have been taking them again. I'm so ashamed. My first thought was, I have to get off my mom's diet pills! So of course, because I'm an addict, I had to go back to my drug of choice. Why do these d*** things make me feel so good & energetic!!

I absolutely hate the feeling of W/D. I have made myself very paranoid & very, very malnourished & sick. I'm sooooo sick. My stomach hurts all the time. Ugh, but now I'm on hydro's, & I feel normal again!!

So anyway, I had to vent that out. Why would a 92 lb person take diet pills for energy... oh I do!! God I'm a freaking idiot.

I HATE MYSELF SOMETIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hairgirl

At this point, I would get to a doctor.85 pounds is seriously low for any size person, and you could have some serious medical problems brewing.
Remember, you are an addict.The shame and embarrassment will pass, only if you get professional help.Don't let it keep you from getting healthy.We all have a time where we have to stand up and face our fears because our disease has beaten us.You are at a point where you can no longer make decisions for yourself, go get help before it's too late.

ccgirl2

I know withdrawal sucks and its painful and miserable, but in is finite. Death isn't.

Please go see a professional.

Buzz Kilowatt

You really must go see a doctor, ASAP. WARNING: If you continue as you are doing, your life will be very short and your demise will be horrible.

The acetaminophen that comes with the meds is toxic to your liver. The maximum daily dosage for a healthy person is 4 grams / day. You are taking almost twice that. If you are malnourished and not getting enough calories, the meds are incredibly toxic. Proper diet is necessary to replenish what is called the cytochrome P-450 system. Without a sufficient diet, the liver cannot process the acetaminophen and liver cells die from the toxic metabolites.

Your stomach may be hurting because your liver may be damaged. The liver can regenerate if you act in time.

Don't delay. If you are having serious liver problems, time is of the essence.

Please choose LIFE. After you go, please let us know how you are doing.

kelsh

Hi Spyckat, :ghug3

I think it was hydrocodone you were talking about being addicted to with your teeth problems....please don't be ashamed of where you are with your addiction. The docs have heard it all & when a patient comes in asking for help that makes their day as well as being able to help you. :ghug2

I just got out of a Geriatric Psychiatric Unit for a severe manic attack & I felt shame at first but couldn't remember what all I had done. Now that I am home after 10 days, I get bits & pieces told to me when I ask.

I had too much stress coming at me from too many directions & my mind & body took over...crazy...I was evaluated at the local ER by a co-worker I had at Mental Health before I retired. So embarassing. I refused to go to the hospital so was ITA'd & taken by ambulance because my husband had just been released from another hospital where he went for breathing problems.

It is not embarassing nor being a failure to ask for help. An addiction is almost always too hard to quit unless you have help from others including a doc, AA, or NA. I got sober 20 years ago with the help of the alcohol program, my doc, & AA. I also got help for my depression & had counseling for that too.

Please think about where you are now & where you would like to be a few months from now if you get help. Please keep coming back to read, post, or tell us Hi so we know you are okay.

kelsh

Spycekat

I totally agree with you. I no longer can control myself The worst thing is, sometimes, I don't even freakin' care if I die or not. I'm 25, weigh 85 lbs, & am missing a lot of teeth.

So it's hard to take care of myself, when I don't care about myself at ALL. I hate myself so much I'm so serious. Especially because I stole from my mom. I don't deserve to get help... I feel like sometimes.

Spycekat

Wow, that was very insightful. Thank you so much. Yeah, it is VERY VERY scary about my liver. I actually had already gone to the ER I think August 22nd or something like that.

I was at work (I work at a hospital) & I felt dizzy, nauseous & my stomach hurt. So I went to the ER & told them my story & how I haven't ate a solid meal in days. I actually begged them to give me a stomach tube!

It's so hard to eat, because I associate food with pain now. But to make you feel better, I did get LFT's done (liver function tests) & they all came out very normal - & before that test I was taking way more acetaminophen then I am now.

I am so lucky that my liver is ok. I just don't know why I'm so self-destructive...... but now I'm off diet pills & now back on hydro.

I hate myself :-(

Spycekat

OMG thank you so much for sharing your very personal & intimate story with me!!! It really touched my heart :-) It's nice to know that they're is still such a thing as strangers caring about you.



Your story is very inspiring to me. It also makes me feel like I'm not the only one who has gone through these psychiatric issues. Especially when you said how embarrassed you were.

That's how I feel. My BF get's mad at me all the time because he doesn't understand why I get severe panic attacks. He doesn't understand why I can't just "forget" about all these negative thoughts I have circling in my head 24 hours a day.

Worst of all, my anxiety has gotten so bad, sometimes I almost can't make it to work. That is my worst fear, more worse than the thought of death..... is that I won't be able to work & have to be on social security.

I actually was on social security before I became an addict. When I was 18 I got social security because of my severe anxiety.

I didn't work until I think I was about 22 only because of the fact that I hated being so ridiculously poor. Also, the anxiety was manageable at that point.

But, I am seeing a psychiatrist & a therapist on a very regular basis. I am rx'd to 150 mg of Zoloft & 1 mg of Klonopin to take 3 times a day. He wants me to take it exactly at certain times 3 times a day instead of a as needed basis, he wanted it to stay in my blood 24 hrs a day.

I have not been taking them as directed at ALL. I get 90 every month & I seriously still have 40 left.

The reason? Well, I'm a hydro addict of course, can't mix hydro with klonopin or I'll die, *hmph* doesn't make any sense at all.

Buzz Kilowatt

Spycekat,

If you are fasting or not eating properly, acetaminophen is VERY toxic, because the liver can't break it down.

From a medical site:

"In adults, the minimum toxic dose of APAP for a single ingestion is 7.5-10 g"

According to the same source, liver poisoning by acetaminophen has 4 clinical phases:


Phase 1 (0-24 h)
The first phase lasts up to 24 hours.
Patients have anorexia, nausea, vomiting, malaise, and diaphoresis (excessive sweating).

The second phase begins 24 hours after ingestion and lasts for another 48 hours. Phase 1 symptoms become less evident than before and/or resolve.
Patients present with pain and tenderness in the right upper quadrant. Liver enlargement (hepatomegaly) can be present. Some patients report having decreased urinary output.

Phase 3 develops 3-5 days after ingestion.
The symptoms seen in phase 1 (eg, anorexia, nausea, vomiting, malaise) may reappear. Patients have symptoms of hepatic failure with jaundice, hypoglycemia, bleeding, or encephalopathy. Renal failure and cardiomyopathy may also occur.

Hepatic centrilobular necrosis is evident on liver biopsy. Almost 4% of patients who develop this degree of hepatotoxicity progress to fulminant hepatic failure. Death may occur because of cerebral edema, sepsis, or multiorgan failure.

Phase 4 occurs 5-14 days after ingestion. This phase can last as long as 21 days. Patients either have a complete recovery of liver function or they die.

Whereas before your body may have been able to handle the meds, your losing weight may have changed your liver's ability to handle it.

Do you currently have a personal physician? Weight loss . . . malnutrition . . . feeling like you want to die . . . these things are NOT normal and are good reasons for medical evaluation without delay.

Please find a doctor and get some help.

Buzz

Klynn33

hey SKat,

I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone on this site who isn't embarassed for things they've done. I think it just goes along with being an addict. I don't think any one of us does the things we do because we want to, or think they're right......we do them because we're addicts.

As a pill addict myself, I know what you're going through....and me sitting here telling you it's going to get better, and that your energy will come back probably doesn't mean a whole lot since you're just starting out.........but I'll say it anyways it does. It didn't take me overnight for sure.......it didn't even take weeks. It's taken months. In those months I have relapsed a couple of times, but I get right back into working my recovery. I finally got to a place where I feel I deserve it, and I'm going to do what I can to get myself better. end of story.

you're going to get to that place too. The others had great advice about seeking help. especially for the withdrawals. they're extrememly dangerous. Trust me, your doctor is going to be much happier with you trying to get your life together, then to be phoning your family to let them know you're no longer with them due to the drugs that you were too embarrased to ask for help with.

I hope everything works out - just the fact that you sound like you are finally sick of what you have been doing and realize the dangers.........means this might finally be the start of a new life for you.

bval

I just want to remind you Spacey, that the disease of addiction is pretty much defined by the concept of a lack of control over one's drug use. Don't beat yourself up, this is just 'what happens' to (many, many of) us when we start messing with addictive drugs. If you were somehow this unique or special case, how you're acting, what you're doing, there wouldn't be rehab centers all over the world, there'd be no AA/NA with millions and millions of members, etc, etc, etc. You are not alone, nor are you unique in regards to your actions, my friend.

This *IS* addiction, what you're doing is exactly what addicts DO, the kind of stuff all of us did in our 'using' days. Getting dope on the streets? Hell yeah most of us did that! We had the same thoughts you're describing, too, similar feelings of shame, self-loathing, all that. An abject fear of being in withdrawals? We've all been there, too.

Fact is, being an addict who's not in recovery is a miserable, depressing existence. The good news is ... being an addict in recovery, esp if you are actively working some program of recovery ... is pretty damn great

So the solution to virtually all the problems you have ... is to get clean, stay clean, and recover. Many of us here have done it (many with much more advanced addictions, I might add) so that means YOU can TOO, okay?

I'd say the time has about come for you to start reaching out for help from those around you, and start hitting some NA meetings, or something along those lines. And keep posting, kay? Good luck

Freedom1990

Please get to a doctor ASAP.

I am a recovering meth addict and I dropped down to 109 pounds and I am 6' tall. I was literally days away from death when I was taken to rehab.

Spycekat

This is just crazy to read all of my old posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been clean now for 4.5 years, but I had to get on Methadone. I tried rehab several times around 2009-2011 and couldn't get clean. I was shocked to read that I took 5 tablets at once in a post on here because by the end of it in 2014 before I got on Methadone I was taking anywhere between 30-40 hydros at a TIME!!!!!! I was near death! Methadone saved my LIFE! I weigh 125 lbs now!!!!!!!!!!!! I finally got my life back and it's because of Methadone. I can't believe I found this account again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hevyn

Spycekat - it's good to have you back. Congratulations on your clean time - that is so wonderful to hear!

Dee74

Thanks very much for the update Spycekat - glad things are going well now!

D