Sobriety Sucks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Iowa
Posts: 32
Sobriety Sucks
Hey everybody, sorry so long since I last wrote! i've been too busy poppin' pills & ruining my life. On September 12th, I was driving to work & fell asleep on the interstate going 90 MPH & smashed into a guard rail. I didn't get hurt at all except a lil' whiplash & some abrasions... god only knows how I survived... even the sherrif was baffled when he saw me walking around outside what used to be my car.
So I was given percocet... oh great, even better than hydros!!! I abused them & almost lost my job...... I then got ahold of some fentyl patches which I never heard of, but tried it anyway to get the fabulous high.
I just slapped it on my arm, didn't cut it or anything & thank god I didn't cut it in half or anything!!! I didnt' know Fentyl was 81% more powerful than morphine & that it wasn't just a one 100 mcg dose, it was a one 100 mcg dose every hour!!!!!
So I got a ton of those & was going on my day feeling great *post accident*. Someone at work noticed that my eyes were rolling in the back of my head & told my boss. I told her that I always feel tired & maybe it's from the accident *LIAR!!!*
So that was when I broke down. Also, my boyfriend recorded me on his cell phone me falling asleep while doing laundry, eating ANYTHING, just smashing my face on the floor with my glasses on & EVERYTHING passed out. When I looked at myself on the recorder, I freaked out & immediatley went to my psych.
He kinda looked at me like I was a freak & told me "you won't die from WD"
I'm like.. ok, then why do I FEEL like it!?!
I then went to the ER & confessed everything. First time in my LIFE that I have told a professional that I have a drug problem... INCLUDING MARIJUANA. They said they were proud I realize I have a problem, gave me a shot of Toradol in my butt for my WD headaches & sent me on my way.
I haven't done pills since about October 20th & I haven't smoked marijuana since October 23rd. I'm crystal clean!!!
I just dont' know what to do with myself!!I try so hard to exercize, read, clean, COLOR, ANYTHING I can do.. but I find myself getting bored easily & just wanting to lay down & stare at the ceiling & cry.
It is now 3 am & of course can't sleep. So I thought I'd share with you guys that yay I'm clean!!! But it sucks... I just don't know who I am anymore.... I've done drugs since I was 14 & now am 26... I never found myself.. I'm afraid I never will........
So I was given percocet... oh great, even better than hydros!!! I abused them & almost lost my job...... I then got ahold of some fentyl patches which I never heard of, but tried it anyway to get the fabulous high.
I just slapped it on my arm, didn't cut it or anything & thank god I didn't cut it in half or anything!!! I didnt' know Fentyl was 81% more powerful than morphine & that it wasn't just a one 100 mcg dose, it was a one 100 mcg dose every hour!!!!!
So I got a ton of those & was going on my day feeling great *post accident*. Someone at work noticed that my eyes were rolling in the back of my head & told my boss. I told her that I always feel tired & maybe it's from the accident *LIAR!!!*
So that was when I broke down. Also, my boyfriend recorded me on his cell phone me falling asleep while doing laundry, eating ANYTHING, just smashing my face on the floor with my glasses on & EVERYTHING passed out. When I looked at myself on the recorder, I freaked out & immediatley went to my psych.
He kinda looked at me like I was a freak & told me "you won't die from WD"
I'm like.. ok, then why do I FEEL like it!?!
I then went to the ER & confessed everything. First time in my LIFE that I have told a professional that I have a drug problem... INCLUDING MARIJUANA. They said they were proud I realize I have a problem, gave me a shot of Toradol in my butt for my WD headaches & sent me on my way.
I haven't done pills since about October 20th & I haven't smoked marijuana since October 23rd. I'm crystal clean!!!
I just dont' know what to do with myself!!I try so hard to exercize, read, clean, COLOR, ANYTHING I can do.. but I find myself getting bored easily & just wanting to lay down & stare at the ceiling & cry.
It is now 3 am & of course can't sleep. So I thought I'd share with you guys that yay I'm clean!!! But it sucks... I just don't know who I am anymore.... I've done drugs since I was 14 & now am 26... I never found myself.. I'm afraid I never will........
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Good story..lots of honesty..
I just want to tell you that i can totally relate..
THe thing is ..THIS...if we get high...we pretty much KNOW what will happen right? But if we stay clean adn sober..go through the boredom...maybe do the WORK that is involved in sobriety.......well we have no clue how things might be for us...and I have the feeling it will be better than anything you ever had while using..
It is hard..yes...but you have lots of sruff to work on if you are willing.....keep posting..tired...got to go to bed but wanted to write toyou!!
love north
I just want to tell you that i can totally relate..
THe thing is ..THIS...if we get high...we pretty much KNOW what will happen right? But if we stay clean adn sober..go through the boredom...maybe do the WORK that is involved in sobriety.......well we have no clue how things might be for us...and I have the feeling it will be better than anything you ever had while using..
It is hard..yes...but you have lots of sruff to work on if you are willing.....keep posting..tired...got to go to bed but wanted to write toyou!!
love north
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Thanks for sharing your story. Sobriety can be tough, but recovery can be awesome. There is a big difference between simple abstinance and working a program of recovery. It also takes a lot of work.I know, I have had time before. Over two years clean at one time. I worked very hard to get clean and stay clean. Then I became complacent and started putting other things ahead of my recovery. The results? I am now on day 2.
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
I've done the abstinence thing, and that does suck. Dry drunk I think they call it in AA. I haven't been doing it long, but the things AA/NA teach you about dealing with life, really have helped me actually LIVE sober and not just white knuckle every day!
Do you work any kind of recovery program? Congrats by the way on how far you have come. I'm 36 and haven't found myself either, but I'm starting to!
Do you work any kind of recovery program? Congrats by the way on how far you have come. I'm 36 and haven't found myself either, but I'm starting to!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: cape cod
Posts: 2,320
Aw, it hasn't been that long. You're probably still sick.
As far as sobriety sucking, a doctor at rehab once told me there is nothing in your life that being drunk or high can't make worse. I've held that one close because I've found its so true.
It does get better. I know, I know, you've heard it a million times. Probably because it's true. Hang in, OK?
As far as sobriety sucking, a doctor at rehab once told me there is nothing in your life that being drunk or high can't make worse. I've held that one close because I've found its so true.
It does get better. I know, I know, you've heard it a million times. Probably because it's true. Hang in, OK?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Congrats, Kat. I remember you from before ... welcome back 
You got almost 3 weeks under your belt, that is awesome.
But don't expect to be completely back to normal in that period of time. Give it at least a month, okay? Just keep on truckin, there's no substitute for TIME. You'll start feeling better, getting to know yourself better, finding things that amuse you, etc. The first month is tough, no doubt about it. Try not to THINK too much, focus on 'one foot in front of the other', and
'doing the next right thing' at all times.
Have you thought about attending meetings of some kind of recovery group? AA/NA, Lifering, SMART, or something that's face-to-face? That kind of thing can be REALLY helpful, esp. in the early going. I highly recommend at least finding some meetings and going, sitting down, and listening for an hour, a few times a week, minimum.
Good luck in any case, and welcome back to the land of the living
You got almost 3 weeks under your belt, that is awesome.
But don't expect to be completely back to normal in that period of time. Give it at least a month, okay? Just keep on truckin, there's no substitute for TIME. You'll start feeling better, getting to know yourself better, finding things that amuse you, etc. The first month is tough, no doubt about it. Try not to THINK too much, focus on 'one foot in front of the other', and
'doing the next right thing' at all times.
Have you thought about attending meetings of some kind of recovery group? AA/NA, Lifering, SMART, or something that's face-to-face? That kind of thing can be REALLY helpful, esp. in the early going. I highly recommend at least finding some meetings and going, sitting down, and listening for an hour, a few times a week, minimum.
Good luck in any case, and welcome back to the land of the living
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 45
well I gotta say you put in writing what I was coming over to post.
This sucks azz.
It's fabulous!
all at once.
I don't have the energy to get one thing done around here. Not one thing. 18 days without a pill...
Thanks for saying what I wanted to say!
This sucks azz.
It's fabulous!
all at once.
I don't have the energy to get one thing done around here. Not one thing. 18 days without a pill...
Thanks for saying what I wanted to say!
Last edited by chloes1; 11-09-2008 at 10:20 AM. Reason: added words because I can't write yet
Try, try, try again!
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: A sunny place
Posts: 55
I know exactly what you mean re: the boredom. Im about 2 months clean I think and for the first 6 weeks I alternated between wanting to blow up the world and everyone in it, crying, or nearly screaming from the sheer boredom of a life without pills. I have felt that I simply cannot LIVE without them.......that really I am DIFFERENT and I must have them for survival LOL.
But i have to say that during the last 2 weeks or so its been getting better and better. I am not obsessing about getting high and the using dreams have stopped. I am proud of myself because I havent ever made it this long in my 10 year drug addict career.
I feel like punching the air to the "Rocky" theme song really. Anyway, my point is it does get better.....and Im a baby in recovery. I cant imagine what I'll be like after a year sober.
Give yourself a chance
But i have to say that during the last 2 weeks or so its been getting better and better. I am not obsessing about getting high and the using dreams have stopped. I am proud of myself because I havent ever made it this long in my 10 year drug addict career.
I feel like punching the air to the "Rocky" theme song really. Anyway, my point is it does get better.....and Im a baby in recovery. I cant imagine what I'll be like after a year sober.
Give yourself a chance
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
I am so glad you are still alive! The boredom is a dangerous thing in my case too. Being here at home with no car or job is really getting to me. When I used I had a great job and a nice car, but I lost those things. I know that by staying clean I can eventually get those things back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Iowa
Posts: 32
this is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I opened a very old email account and remembered this group I was in!!!!!!!!!! I hope everyone is doing ok!!!!!!!! I've been clean since May 2, 2014 but I had to start Methadone treatment. I turned 36 years old today and will start Suboxone on Friday This is crazy to read how sick I really was 10 years ago!!!
This is crazy to read how sick I really was 10 years ago!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 71
Hi.. I was just reading the too... Happy Birthday 🎉🎈🎂... glad to hear you’re doing well... To think 10 years... where did the time go right.... I hope your treatments are going well. I’m new rather.. well I found this site in 2016. Nice to meet you... 😊😊😊
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Iowa
Posts: 32
Nice to meet you too Lorie! I hope youre doing well! I started suboxone treatment on November 2nd and im doing really good! These posts I wrote 10 years ago make me want to bawl hysterically. I tried so hard for all those years to get clean and nothing ever worked. I finally got on methadone and it changed my life forever and ever. I would not be alive today without methadone! Suboxone is going great and I don't have to go in every day woot woot!!! Recovery is possible I am proof of that! 5 years on May 2nd, clean and serene woot woot!
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