scareddad

Any advice would be appreciated. My son is 17. He's doing alright in school, B- average or so.. he's popular, plays football - has two divorced parents (13years ago)who get along well, step-parents who are supportive, four grandparents who love him, no family history of any drug or alcohol abuse. I'm his father. I'm a lawyer, I work hard, but have spent lots of time with him, coaching ball, going to his games, etc.. So - last month he comes out and tells me he's been selling drugs to make money. I assume the best, that he's selling marijuana, and for a few weeks, I struggle as to what to do.. I'm amazed he told me, and I try to tell him he has to stop - he says I don't understand, there's no way he can get caught - he only has two customers (couple). That his plan is to save $30,000.00, buy a "brick" and then sell that for a $100,000.00 and stop - to get a start on life. While I'm trying to deal with it - he's exhibiting continuing, subtle, disrespect. Won't clean his messes in the kitchen, when I decline his request to drive my vehicle (Lexus) because he has his own vehicle, he argues with me, calls me an idiot, last week, he walks into the kitchen with his shoes, carrying a golf bag - I tell him to stop - he gets very angry, suggests to me he's moving out because "it's not working at home".. I then tell him that he's right, it's not working, I'm not waiting up til 3:30am worrying about him every night - that if he's going to be rude, come home at all hours, he should move out.. that progresses to a bigger argument. I then call his mother, tell her about our problem - that he's saying he's moving out.. and she freaks out, calls him, calls him a low-life-loser, and when she talks to her husband, he tells her my son also told him , and that in fact, he's been selling crack cocaine.

So - when I finally get off the roof, I sit him down and tell him if he wants to stay in my home, three rules. Curfew of 1:30am, counselling with me, and he has to get a regular job. So far, he has been home on time, we're going to counselling Wed., and he just started a new job today. He's angry as hell, it was his birthday today, I give him a card (no present) that said I hope he gets all the happiness in his life he desires, and I write in it that sometimes the hardest times bring out the best in us.. and that I wouldn't be getting as hard on him if I didn't love him. He looks at the card, tells me it is bringing out the worst in me, and walks out the door to work.

Am I even close to doing the right thing? My wife is freaked out - she's never even tried drugs, and has visions of drive-by shootings, police raids, etc.. and while I think that risk is marginal - I know that he must be connected, one or two steps away from some really bad people. Is there anything else I should be doing? I don't think he's using - I've been close, while in school, to significant drug use, and I'm not seeing signs - but who knows anything anymore.

Help!

Sockittome

I would consider consider talking to your local police department before he reaches 18. It sounds brutal but I feel that it may be the best course to save his life and your sanity.

endzoner

hello scarreddad and welcome to SR . I cant say that i'd agree with a 1:30 curfew at the age of 17 what could a kid that age be doing on the streets or where ever at that time of nite . times of corse have changed since i was that age , but still , I think the enforcement of a job an such are a great thing as for him saying to buy a brick a one price and make another sum of money . THAT SO WILL NEVER HAPPEN ! how will he get that kinda cash at 17 . selling small amounts for how long ? steal from loved ones ect just to get the money ? who knows in todays times , Being a lawyer you know the odds of drug dealers , even if its one dime at a time . some where some how things will happen they always do if not now they will later , I myself started dealing coke a ( provided to me by my stepdad) 20$ bags at a time . well it didnt stop there ......... just got progressivly more and wanted that money ! I wasnt a user neither at the time , but pure pressures advently called my name and had to give it a try .. i need not say more on that .I think that an Eye Opener is somthing that needs to be done weither its a visit pass to the local jail just to see for him self what he too could be doing for 10-20 if he dont stop . if he dont stop on his own and im sure he wont do what you know needs to be done and thats turn him in yourself , thing is he did come to you and tell you .. thats a sign he wants help .....I dont know if what im telling you is the right advise for you but its just my thoughts .. good luck and hope you find the answers here in SR your seekin Peace be with you

dancinggirl

scareddad....wow....what a tough time you're having! How wonderful that your son TOLD you, though! He's reaching out. I would take his butt to the cops immediately. Tough love all the way.

scareddad

My ex and I are meeting with police tomorrow for advice - we both know the Chief socially, and he appears genuine in trying to help. And I do appreciate that my son told me - but, at the same time, I know it could have been part of his "con" if he thought there was already some heat coming.. who knows anything right now? And I agree the curfew is already late - but if you can believe it, he's just livid that I would do that - "cause it doesn't make any difference, it's just a number."

dancinggirl

It ALL makes a difference! Thank god you're taking this seriously and talking to the Chief. In my opinion, you must take a strong, united stand here...which you are doing. I'm praying for ya.

Time2Surrender

WElcome to SoberRecovery. You have come to a good place for support and some answers too. As a recovering Crack Addict, I would have to say he belongs in Jail or Prison. Buy a brick for $30,00 turn it into $100,000 at the expense of someone elses misery? Basicly destroy someone elses life so he can begin his.

scareddad

T2S - I think that is perhaps the most troubling thing - when I ask him if he has any regard what what he's doing to the people he's selling to - his response, "they're going to buy it anyway". He has always rationalized his own self-interest beyond anyone else - and it's been happening since he was small.. ..and I am so sorry that my son is one of the people who made your life so difficult. Even if it was the right thing, jail isn't an option. I've searched his room, our home, his car - nothing. He says he gets a call, he makes a pick-up, and delivers. Never in possession more than 10 minutes.. and now he says he's done with it, says he realizes he was disprespecting my home.. and while I'd love to believe it, I wasn't born yesterday either.

Time2Surrender

No need to appologize to me. Just keep reading and posting. You will find your not alone in your situation by any means. Check out the "Friends and Family" sections here at SR. You will find other members here who have kids dealing dope. Myself, I have no sympathy for drug dealers and at the same time I can respect the hurt your feeling right now. Stick around. You've come to a good place here.

ex D-Boy

Sorry to hear about this situation scared, kinda reminds me of myself with a few differences( i was using oxycontin and heroin very heavily myself and i started dealing around 19 instead of 17. I also didn't stop dealing until i was 22 when I moved down to Florida to get clean...luckily i was able to make it outta that lifestyle without any record but at 19 i was very small time just dealing pot and some pills but by the time i was 22 i was picking up bulk of both heroin and cocaine pretty much every day or two depending on how fast i got rid of it and needed to re-up. The drug dealing life PROGRESS' on a person very rapidily, its very hard to do what your son did and "just do this one deal to get X amount of money then be out of the game" Because once your son does that deal then he thinks..."man that was easy, let me just do it a few more times so i can get out with 400,000$ instead of 100,000$, its very hard to get away from once you see how easy and quick the money is)

That being said, you should really sit him down and explain to him how serious it is what hes doing and that it really doesn't matter "how long" he is in possession of the rocks....all it takes is getting in an accident while driving for the cops to search his vehicle, or either his connect or custy getting arrested and giving up names to save themselves. He is right, sad thing is, chances are if he isnt doing it for this "couple" they will get it from somebody else but that is also another reason why these custys of his have NO loyality to him at all and would rat him out without giving a second thought if it meant saving their own ass. Then whats he got? Felony charge of a Class I narcotic on his record at SEVENTEEN. I realize all these things now with a lucid mind , but back when i was riding around with a ki of dope in my trunk i was to high to think about what COULD actually happen to me if I got caught with it.

My advice would be to sit him down and have a serious talk with him about the consequences and certain situations that could easily get him arrested. Hes still very young so he probably doesn't think about things like this. DO NOT i repeat, DO NOT go to your local police department and tell them about this. I understand you say you know the chief socially but if you tell them your son is dealing crack cocaine and you don't know what to do what exactly do you think hes going to tell you??? Your son is at a very young age and you can shape his mind, attitude, and behaviors before it's to late. Besides, im pretty sure he will listen to you over a cop any day, I know I would.

Be safe and I hope everything works out for you and him, if you ever wanna talk or need some advice sent me a PM.

justanothrdrunk

If anyone ever told me they were just dealing crack but never using it, I wouldn't believe that line of bull for a moment.

Do you live in a "3 strikes" state? Yikes...

Sounds like you're in a really tough spot, dad. Hang in there. I'm sending out all the positive vibes I can. Wish I could do more for you.

shockozulu

scaredad, we have a great forum here for family members of people involved with drugs. You can find it here.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

His behavior sounds like he might be using as well, but I don't know enough about crack to know for sure.

frstnm

I suggest listening to all these other people,
do some web research on the new penalties for selling that crap and moreso large amounts !!
in addition:
ask him if he has any idea that if he goes up to a large quantity he will be going from off the radar to right into the middle of it and that people who get busted with that amount of stuff will tell the cops without hesitation who they got it from to get out of the jam themselves
.....from what I heard of course

Peter

I can think of a couple of dead drug dealers who also started dealing "to get a start in life".

Drugs are addictive in more than one way. The more money you make the more you realize how much more you can make.Soon you are in over your head.Many drug dealers never make it back alive.

Dangerous world dangerous business. Your son chose wrong. he sounds like an intelligent kid. I hope he can see very soon that he went down the wrong fork in the road.

I admire your courage in being proactive in your son's dealing. I really do.

Shaw

So basically he's being a carrier for a local crack dealer and he's getting paid to pick up the dope and take it to the buyers? If you're ever at home when he leaves the house and you know he doesn't have to be at work or you don't know where he's going, follow him! The crack game is DANGEROUS! Cooks/dealers are very very paranoid and low key. Find out what sleeze ball has hired him to be his middle man. Obviously this person has convinced him into easy money for only 10 minutes of his time which could cost him his life if he were to be caught!!

scareddad

Thank-you, everyone for your thoughts. I just feel so lost. I'm also confused - he says he started a new job today, left the home at 7:30am - which suggests he probably went to work - he hates getting up in the am.

I leave money laying around all the time, and have never had any taken, never missed any cd's, dvd's.. so it would be hard to assume he's using -and I've been around users in my younger days, and haven't seen any of the obvious signs - though I can't believe he hasn't at least tried using.

He seems very angry that I won't accept his word that he's out and done.. and seems quite insistant that I allow him the same lifestyle he had pre-disclosure of dealing.

At this point, and I've told him probably for the next year, until he graduates, the rules aren't going to change, however, if he does keep towing the line.. I am a little confused as to how to relate to him. If I become friendly and sociable, I think he takes that as "ok, mission accomplished, I've been foregiven" - and he seems to very much be uncomfortable with rejection or disappointment from me, so I'm feeling that I need to continue to send the unequivocal message that I'm very dissappointed and that "everything isn't ok". Do I maintain a level of angry detachment while I keep watch to see if he is following through on my rules - or does that increase the risk of him feeling that "I can't win, so why try?"

Time2Surrender

Im sure you are very scared. Can I suggest checking out an Alanon meeting? Alanon Web Site Or if your in a large city you may find a Naranon meeting Nar-Anon Family Groups To be honest, I doubt he is using Crack. Its usually pretty obvious. And I realize I have never met the kid, so what do I know? Crack dealers who use dont last. You find most of them on the street corners hanging with other dealers and often are "Hooks" and bring customers to dealers for a hit or whatever commision they have worked out. Or their selling "Bunk". But I see very few Crack heads dealing for any length of time. The ones who do, dont have money.

TTOSBT

I really feel for you! Yikes.
I am with everyone else that you should do some reading in the friends and Family section.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I am also the mother of a 17 year old son. I am very blessed and my son has shown to be very trustworthy so far
First, I think that is way too late of a curfew, but that is me. Here in So Cal our kids have a legal curfew of 11 pm. They can be stopped by the police after this. Now, sometimes (like last night) I do allow my son some wiggle room, he was home by 1145 but I also know he isn't doing anything he can be arrested for.
Second, you are a lawyer?? I am sure that you know what the liability issues are here for you and your family. I am a little frightened for you to be honest.
From the very little you have described, your son does not sound like the kind of young man that is just going to quit that quickly. What kind of job did he get and are you sure he is working somewhere?
I would have top sit down with him and discuss consequences. Because truly, he can choose to do that with his life IF he is willing to pay the consequence of his actions. One consequence is that he could seriously damage his future and severely limit his future choices because of a record. If it was my son I would also make it clear that if he does get caught, you will not be bailing him out of jail so you hope he has the money saved for his bail and legal defense. Considering the position that he has put you in, maybe he should be paying his own expenses.
I would be very suspicious as to why he has told you and his stepfather. If he did not want to quit, then why?? Is he scared? He should be! These people do NOT fool around.
Why does he need money to start his life? Isn't he planning on going to college? Are you prepared to pay for his college?
Sorry that I am asking so many questions, I just feel like I am missing something here.....

Spiritual Seeker

You only have legal supervisory control for a few more months bef. age 18.
Do what ever you have to do to get between your son and drugs.
The road he is on is long, horrific, potential robbing, and fatalistic.

My son played H.S. football, got good grades and I never knew he was taking drugs although I did know he was drinking along with the other players.
He is 24 and been an addict ever since. Addiction accelerated when he went away to college.

Do what you can while you still have legal authority to do so. It may or may not make a difference, but at least you will have done something. Good luck figuring out what to do.

My son is now 24 and in his 3rd rehab. Addiction has had a strong rule of his life.
Wishing you all the best from another parent.

Callie

No way in heck would I allow a 1:30 curfew. I had a 11 or midnight curfew as a teenager. If I was one minute late it was taken back an hour the next weekend. I agree, nip this in the bud before it gets completely out of control.