Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny: My Journey of Recovery
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((T2))) - I don't know how I missed your thread over the past few weeks and feel really bad..guess I need to do more than hit "new posts" as I missed it.
I'm so sorry for your loss and all the stuff you're going through, but I am really glad you came here and are getting that f2f support. Even when I miss the thread, you are always in my prayers.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm so sorry for your loss and all the stuff you're going through, but I am really glad you came here and are getting that f2f support. Even when I miss the thread, you are always in my prayers.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
This has been quite the rough stretch of life for me this past month. After a long battle struggling to save my failing relationship we have decided to go our separate ways. I love her but know in my heart this is the right thing for us both. The differences are simply insurmountable at this point in our lives. I have a strange feeling of acceptance that seems unusual for something that a few weeks ago seemed like such an important part of my life. I am not sure if I am just numb, overwhelmed by the extreme tides of emotion over the last couple weeks or what is happening but I know my emotions usually have a lag time and this will be catching up with me sooner or later, to grieve over the loss of yet another relationship.
I would like to take a moment to recapture everything that I have experienced over the last month. I began by leaving my job of 3 years for a career change that was both new and exciting but at the same time very scary and intimidating. Two weeks into that huge life change, I lost one of my best friends to this disease, of which I still have not fully accepted and may never be the same from. Upon returning home from her funeral, I got word that another former member of my homegroup, who I also knew fairly well had also just died from this disease (I hadnt mentioned this here until now, not sure why). About a week after that, a couple who is very close to me lost their dog, and the same day the husband, who is almost like a second father to me, was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The outlook is positive, but still heavy news none the less. The next day my on and off again relationship of 3+ years came to an end, and yet again I had to say goodbye to someone I love.
Now for anyone reading this, I did not post the above for sympathy. I wanted to chronicle the above events because some day I might look back on this, when I am not nearly as spiritually fit and mentally stable, and realize whatever petty **** future me is dealing with is really not that bad. This is a serious, difficult phase of my life that probably rivals the act of getting sober itself in difficulty to accept and deal with. But here is the absolute miracle of it all, the single point of pale light in the abyss of darkness that has been my life these last few weeks: I didnt have to, or even want to get messed up. I didnt want to escape. I am able to face this darkness with all the faith in the universe knowing that I can get through this sober. That is both a gift and a miracle, because not too long ago I couldnt imagine a single good day sober, let alone a total catastrophe.
I wish I knew the secret, how this all works. I wish I could leave here some bit of astounding advice of how I am able to hold myself together, and not completely unravel at the mind. But the truth is recovery has been preparing me for moments like this ever since I first sought a new way of life nearly 4 years ago. I have only done the things the people who came before me did. They did all the work, the experimenting for me. All I needed to bring was a little bit of willingness and the rest followed suit.
While the last few days and weeks have been very difficult, please do not pity me. Rather celebrate with me the miracle and gift of recovery that I am living at this very moment. My gratitude for this gift keeps me going. I remember being told at my first meeting that I dont ever have to use again. Today I know this is true.
I would like to take a moment to recapture everything that I have experienced over the last month. I began by leaving my job of 3 years for a career change that was both new and exciting but at the same time very scary and intimidating. Two weeks into that huge life change, I lost one of my best friends to this disease, of which I still have not fully accepted and may never be the same from. Upon returning home from her funeral, I got word that another former member of my homegroup, who I also knew fairly well had also just died from this disease (I hadnt mentioned this here until now, not sure why). About a week after that, a couple who is very close to me lost their dog, and the same day the husband, who is almost like a second father to me, was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The outlook is positive, but still heavy news none the less. The next day my on and off again relationship of 3+ years came to an end, and yet again I had to say goodbye to someone I love.
Now for anyone reading this, I did not post the above for sympathy. I wanted to chronicle the above events because some day I might look back on this, when I am not nearly as spiritually fit and mentally stable, and realize whatever petty **** future me is dealing with is really not that bad. This is a serious, difficult phase of my life that probably rivals the act of getting sober itself in difficulty to accept and deal with. But here is the absolute miracle of it all, the single point of pale light in the abyss of darkness that has been my life these last few weeks: I didnt have to, or even want to get messed up. I didnt want to escape. I am able to face this darkness with all the faith in the universe knowing that I can get through this sober. That is both a gift and a miracle, because not too long ago I couldnt imagine a single good day sober, let alone a total catastrophe.
I wish I knew the secret, how this all works. I wish I could leave here some bit of astounding advice of how I am able to hold myself together, and not completely unravel at the mind. But the truth is recovery has been preparing me for moments like this ever since I first sought a new way of life nearly 4 years ago. I have only done the things the people who came before me did. They did all the work, the experimenting for me. All I needed to bring was a little bit of willingness and the rest followed suit.
While the last few days and weeks have been very difficult, please do not pity me. Rather celebrate with me the miracle and gift of recovery that I am living at this very moment. My gratitude for this gift keeps me going. I remember being told at my first meeting that I dont ever have to use again. Today I know this is true.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Today was rougher than usual. I had a steady coasting of numbness the past week or so but today the feelings came back. I miss my friend so much still it hurts. I went to her facebook page tonight and it just does not seem real, still. It is so hard to accept that I lost someone I loved so dearly to this horrible disease. I dont know the "healthy" way to deal with this or grieve but I have spent a lot of time just keeping busy, and floating through my days with a glazed over sense of reality.
Its strange because all of the little moments I shared with her, that were so small and insignificant and forgotten. All the moments taken for granted, I remember them all now. The have been unforgotten. I get these constant small reminders of her throughout my day and they usually bring a smile to my face. I dont know how I will ever move past this.
Its strange because all of the little moments I shared with her, that were so small and insignificant and forgotten. All the moments taken for granted, I remember them all now. The have been unforgotten. I get these constant small reminders of her throughout my day and they usually bring a smile to my face. I dont know how I will ever move past this.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
I still think about my friend almost every day. Some thoughts are followed by laughter, some by tears. It really hasnt gotten a whole lot easier. I have never had to deal with losing somebody I love from this disease, and it still seems unreal at times.
But I do have a lot to be grateful for. I am sober. I am alive. And for the most part I am happy.
But I do have a lot to be grateful for. I am sober. I am alive. And for the most part I am happy.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
I know it is getting repetitive that everytime I come here I am talking about Remi, and really the only times I feel compelled to post are when I am remembering her, be it sad or happy emotions that follow. But I find it therapeutic writing about my grief. And I know one day I will be able to come back here and remember what this was like, and how I made it through such a tragic experience sober.
Someone posted an older video of her goofing around on facebook today. It is kinda weird in this electronic-socially integrated world to have so many videos and other media of someone who is gone. It helps me remember the little intricacies about her that time and memory leak would surely have robbed; little quirks that you only notice about a person after spending hours and hours of various experiences with them. At first it made me happy, laughter soon followed. But then I remembered that she was gone, and the sadness of re-realizing my permanent loss set in.
She also had 2 friends added this month which were probably people she had added months ago who never accepted, or perhaps her mother was messing around on her account. Either way for a brief moment I had fantasized that this was all fake, thoughts that perhaps she was on an island with Biggie and Tupac, that she had not really left us.
Someone posted an older video of her goofing around on facebook today. It is kinda weird in this electronic-socially integrated world to have so many videos and other media of someone who is gone. It helps me remember the little intricacies about her that time and memory leak would surely have robbed; little quirks that you only notice about a person after spending hours and hours of various experiences with them. At first it made me happy, laughter soon followed. But then I remembered that she was gone, and the sadness of re-realizing my permanent loss set in.
She also had 2 friends added this month which were probably people she had added months ago who never accepted, or perhaps her mother was messing around on her account. Either way for a brief moment I had fantasized that this was all fake, thoughts that perhaps she was on an island with Biggie and Tupac, that she had not really left us.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
So I have found myself in a difficult situation recently. I met a girl in the program, she is very new and things started out innocent enough. I was trying to help her, get her connected to some strong women in the program. We became pretty good friends, it all happened so fast really. I think a part of me deep inside hoped she could fill the hole that Remi had left, and become one of my good female friends in AA. Me and this new girl went on a couple of amazing walks at this beautiful forest preserve area, we would walk and talk for hours, it seemed perfect. Beautiful weather. The stars. We became very comfortable and eventually found deeper feelings for each other. The other night we kissed and it felt great at the time.
But I can't go through with this. I know it is not the next right thing. She is very new, and has yet to find her balance. I cannot become the type of person who would get in the way of a newcomers recovery for my own selfish desires. I have been open with her about my fears and concerns but I don't think she really gets it, not that I should expect her to with everything being so fresh and new to her. But I know better. This is a very troubling situation. I know what the right thing to do is but my desires are clouding the path. I am hoping that giving myself a couple days to cool down I can better chose the right path to take.
But I can't go through with this. I know it is not the next right thing. She is very new, and has yet to find her balance. I cannot become the type of person who would get in the way of a newcomers recovery for my own selfish desires. I have been open with her about my fears and concerns but I don't think she really gets it, not that I should expect her to with everything being so fresh and new to her. But I know better. This is a very troubling situation. I know what the right thing to do is but my desires are clouding the path. I am hoping that giving myself a couple days to cool down I can better chose the right path to take.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
The damage is already done...If I could take back what had happened between us I would but it is too late. I let my own selfish desires come in front of the well being of a newcomer and now I have hurt her. My desires for companionship with a female, to feel wanted, lust, escape from grieving and loss I have been dealing with, the hope that somehow this girl could fill the void left by my departed friend, and perhaps that too of my recently lost longtime girlfriend. My lack of consideration for her lack of emotional stability, and sobriety overall. Regardless of the reason, I have hurt her and it sucks.
I told her last night that we shouldnt take things any further, until she gets a sponsor, works the steps, and is well grounded in recovery. And she drank over it. She got incredibly resentful at me, felt like I was abandoning her, and she did the only thing she knew how, she self medicated away the feelings. To think I helped someone drink who in the beginning I was trying to help tears me up inside. She told me she hadnt felt a connection like that, a real sense of connection, in years, and now she feels she lost it. This is absolutely terrible, I should have never let myself get involved like this with her. And now I must clean my side of the street, as best I can.
I told her last night that we shouldnt take things any further, until she gets a sponsor, works the steps, and is well grounded in recovery. And she drank over it. She got incredibly resentful at me, felt like I was abandoning her, and she did the only thing she knew how, she self medicated away the feelings. To think I helped someone drink who in the beginning I was trying to help tears me up inside. She told me she hadnt felt a connection like that, a real sense of connection, in years, and now she feels she lost it. This is absolutely terrible, I should have never let myself get involved like this with her. And now I must clean my side of the street, as best I can.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((T2))) - I'm sorry you're going through so many emotions, and I know you're not happy about the situation with the newbie, but you gave her good advice. I wish to hell the guy I hooked up with in AA would have said "oops, not a good mood, you need to listen to your sponsor (I'd totally disregarded her and other old-timers), but no...didn't happen, thus I followed him into crack addiction.
He didn't force me, I was still sick and a long way from grasping what recovery really means. I was also grieving the loss of a 20-year-relationship and lonely. No excuses, it's just how I was.
I hope that soon you will have more times when you think of ((Remi)) that bring smiles and laughter, but I do know it takes some time. I still "talk" to my XABF#3 who lost the fight with addiction. Though I initially cried, every time something made me think of him, in time, there were days that I was having a really good day and I'd tell him "okay, I'm going to tuck you in my heart so you can feel how great recovery is..I'm just sorry you never found it".
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
He didn't force me, I was still sick and a long way from grasping what recovery really means. I was also grieving the loss of a 20-year-relationship and lonely. No excuses, it's just how I was.
I hope that soon you will have more times when you think of ((Remi)) that bring smiles and laughter, but I do know it takes some time. I still "talk" to my XABF#3 who lost the fight with addiction. Though I initially cried, every time something made me think of him, in time, there were days that I was having a really good day and I'd tell him "okay, I'm going to tuck you in my heart so you can feel how great recovery is..I'm just sorry you never found it".
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
I have allowed the situation to get much worse... We ended up hanging out again and things got a lot more serious, physically speaking, without going into too much detail. I know this won't end well, whenever it does end. I am learning about a whole bunch of new character defects of mine related to sex relations and will have to clean house with this eventually. Guess I will just have to see how things go from here...
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
"Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics."
So powerful yet so true. I have been caught up in this dilemma of my desires vs the next right thing (the newcomer girl situation) and it has taken a little toll on me emotionally. That coupled with the still heavy grief of the loss of my dear friend to this disease, it has been a ride the last couple weeks. But something about working with others really helps me get out of myself. Today was a great day, I hit a meeting and then helped a new sponsee start his 4th step. I think I could sense the new hope he had found, and hope he sticks with it, it can be very difficult so young in sobriety. And then I had dinner with another sponsee, whom I have been working with for over 2 and a half years. This sponsee has kept me sober many occasions, and has taught me a great deal about myself, through helping him. I am grateful today, and hopeful for the future. Love you all.
So powerful yet so true. I have been caught up in this dilemma of my desires vs the next right thing (the newcomer girl situation) and it has taken a little toll on me emotionally. That coupled with the still heavy grief of the loss of my dear friend to this disease, it has been a ride the last couple weeks. But something about working with others really helps me get out of myself. Today was a great day, I hit a meeting and then helped a new sponsee start his 4th step. I think I could sense the new hope he had found, and hope he sticks with it, it can be very difficult so young in sobriety. And then I had dinner with another sponsee, whom I have been working with for over 2 and a half years. This sponsee has kept me sober many occasions, and has taught me a great deal about myself, through helping him. I am grateful today, and hopeful for the future. Love you all.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
It is one of those nights for me. I dont know why but sometimes the grief over losing my friend just comes back full throttle and completely destroys me again. She visited me last night in my dreams. I hadnt dreamed of her for a while now. It was such a strange dream, felt so lucid and real. I was dreaming that I was asleep, and she came up and just laid down with me, and held me. And then I woke up and cried, but was still really dreaming. And then I woke up for real, and cried for real. Sometimes when I miss her really bad I get this terrible empty feeling deep inside me. I cant really put it into words but it is suffocating, and terribly uncomfortable. It really is the worst emotional pain I have ever experienced.
I just want to call her, and tell her what has been going on in my life. I want to hear her laugh, hear her complain, hear her make fun of me. I want to tell her I love her just one more time. I feel like I will never get closure from this loss, and it hurts bad.
I miss you.
I just want to call her, and tell her what has been going on in my life. I want to hear her laugh, hear her complain, hear her make fun of me. I want to tell her I love her just one more time. I feel like I will never get closure from this loss, and it hurts bad.
I miss you.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Had a nice, calm Easter holiday. Went with my mother and brother went to eat Brunch with my Grandpa at his Old Folks home. It is always nice to spend time with him, since I dont know how much longer he will be around to share experiences with. It is bittersweet for me, though, as I still miss my grandma who passed almost two years ago. She was like the glue that held our family together. Every holiday was a huge feast at their place, she would spend hours slaving in the kitchen and the whole family would come together to laugh and enjoy each other. That woman was love personified. There was never not enough room, she always had an open door for anyone who wanted to join, even the creepy cousin nobody really liked. A part of that has been lost since she left. But I still am grateful for the time I get to spend with any family, even if it is not everyone like it used to be.
My ex ex girlfriend reached out to me. She was the poor soul who was there for the worst of it, my last couple years as I spiraled toward rock bottom. We have stayed in touch and remained friends since I got sober and made amends to her. Anyways she is probably an alcoholic. She has always had issues with drinking, blackouts and whatnot. She might be coming to her end, to her jumping off place, that every person in recovery gets to eventually. She had reached out a couple weeks ago and I suggested a meeting for her to attend. She went but thought she would be ok controlling it from there. She always has had these periods go by where it is ok, and then boom a really bad drinking experience. Well those periods of ok are becoming shorter and shorter for her. She contacted me again today and I am encouraging her to get to another meeting. I offered to take her but her current boyfriend might not like that, which I understand. I just hope she can find the solution, the solution that I discovered when I was desperate and hopeless.
Tuesday I will celebrate 4 years of sobriety, and my life is an absolute miracle. So grateful today.
My ex ex girlfriend reached out to me. She was the poor soul who was there for the worst of it, my last couple years as I spiraled toward rock bottom. We have stayed in touch and remained friends since I got sober and made amends to her. Anyways she is probably an alcoholic. She has always had issues with drinking, blackouts and whatnot. She might be coming to her end, to her jumping off place, that every person in recovery gets to eventually. She had reached out a couple weeks ago and I suggested a meeting for her to attend. She went but thought she would be ok controlling it from there. She always has had these periods go by where it is ok, and then boom a really bad drinking experience. Well those periods of ok are becoming shorter and shorter for her. She contacted me again today and I am encouraging her to get to another meeting. I offered to take her but her current boyfriend might not like that, which I understand. I just hope she can find the solution, the solution that I discovered when I was desperate and hopeless.
Tuesday I will celebrate 4 years of sobriety, and my life is an absolute miracle. So grateful today.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Today I celebrate the greatest gift life has ever granted me, my sobriety. Four years ago today I made the decision to surrender and to go to any lengths to find the solution to my utter hopelessness. And today I can say with total conviction that I have found that solution, and as a result of living the 12 steps I have reaped a bountiful harvest of miracles and promises that I could hardly even imagine before starting this great journey.
My using days seem like another lifetime ago but it seems like just yesterday I was getting sober. I still remember that cold April day four years ago, laying curled up in my bed wondering how I would ever crawl my way out of that dark, terrible hole. Somehow I mustered the willingness to walk back into the rooms, and there I found a million hands outstretched ready to help show me the way out. These experiences I have had make it very hard for me to describe them as anything other than true miracles.
Today I was given the opportunity to help someone without anything in return, another gift of recovery. A sponsee of mine, whom I have worked with for over 2 years now, is in a difficult situation. He came to the US on a Visa with his mother when he was 8 years old. She was coming here to work in a good job. Shortly after arriving she got very, very sick, went blind, and the job fell through. My sponsee's Visa expired, and now, at the young age of 20, he is trying to figure out what options he has. I was able to reach out to my network and set up a meeting with an old friend who is now an immigration lawyer, to help my friend explore his options. He is a really good kid, sober over 2 years, in college, works, pays taxes, and deserves a fair shot. I will do whatever I can to help him on his journey.
Thank you all for being a part of this miracle with me. This website planted the seed that developed into recovery for me. My roots grow here. Today I am incredibly grateful for this gift of life, and gift of recovery.
My using days seem like another lifetime ago but it seems like just yesterday I was getting sober. I still remember that cold April day four years ago, laying curled up in my bed wondering how I would ever crawl my way out of that dark, terrible hole. Somehow I mustered the willingness to walk back into the rooms, and there I found a million hands outstretched ready to help show me the way out. These experiences I have had make it very hard for me to describe them as anything other than true miracles.
Today I was given the opportunity to help someone without anything in return, another gift of recovery. A sponsee of mine, whom I have worked with for over 2 years now, is in a difficult situation. He came to the US on a Visa with his mother when he was 8 years old. She was coming here to work in a good job. Shortly after arriving she got very, very sick, went blind, and the job fell through. My sponsee's Visa expired, and now, at the young age of 20, he is trying to figure out what options he has. I was able to reach out to my network and set up a meeting with an old friend who is now an immigration lawyer, to help my friend explore his options. He is a really good kid, sober over 2 years, in college, works, pays taxes, and deserves a fair shot. I will do whatever I can to help him on his journey.
Thank you all for being a part of this miracle with me. This website planted the seed that developed into recovery for me. My roots grow here. Today I am incredibly grateful for this gift of life, and gift of recovery.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Well its another one of those sad nights for me, thinking a lot about my lost friend. I spoke at a meeting last weekend, it was the second time I have done it. I got up there and opened my heart and shared my story in front of a bunch of strangers and people I love. And I talked about Remi, about the struggles I have been faced with in letting go of her and accepting what happened. And how much I miss her. Well today a woman from the meeting came up to me and thanked me, and we talked about Remi, who apparently was very close friends with this woman's daughter. It reminded me how special she was and how many lives she touched, and also reminded me how much I miss her. I don't have these nights nearly as often anymore but when I do they still hurt. What I would give for just 30 seconds to tell her how much she means to me and how much I love her again. And sometimes I do talk to her, when I say prayers I direct them at her. I don't know if I believe she is listening, or that spirits or ghosts even exist, but sometimes it helps to just get my love and thoughts out into the universe.
The other day I was meditating, listening to a guided meditation. And it asked me to recall a moment when I was young, where someone who was important to me taught me something. Memory, the human mind is such a strange device. Somehow I brought to thought the most obscure memory, one that really did not have significant impact, but that I remembered so vividly. I was very young, under 5, with my uncle who passed away (before I was 5 years old), this man was a warrior. A purple heart veteran of Vietnam, lost his leg from a car accident, had been through a very tough life. And I remember racing with him, him hobbling along with 1 leg on crutches trying to keep up with my young energetic child form. And we came to a towering pine tree at the corner of his block, and I went to explore underneath it's branches. I encountered a very foreign, strange brown cone shaped object. It was a pine-cone, and he explained to me what it was, and how it got there. This was the memory my mind went to, so innocent, so seemingly insignificant, yet so vivid. The more I delve into this spiritual universe, the more that is unforgotten. Even the most seemingly small memories come back, and some of them are very fond. I wonder what else there is to be rediscovered.
The other day I was meditating, listening to a guided meditation. And it asked me to recall a moment when I was young, where someone who was important to me taught me something. Memory, the human mind is such a strange device. Somehow I brought to thought the most obscure memory, one that really did not have significant impact, but that I remembered so vividly. I was very young, under 5, with my uncle who passed away (before I was 5 years old), this man was a warrior. A purple heart veteran of Vietnam, lost his leg from a car accident, had been through a very tough life. And I remember racing with him, him hobbling along with 1 leg on crutches trying to keep up with my young energetic child form. And we came to a towering pine tree at the corner of his block, and I went to explore underneath it's branches. I encountered a very foreign, strange brown cone shaped object. It was a pine-cone, and he explained to me what it was, and how it got there. This was the memory my mind went to, so innocent, so seemingly insignificant, yet so vivid. The more I delve into this spiritual universe, the more that is unforgotten. Even the most seemingly small memories come back, and some of them are very fond. I wonder what else there is to be rediscovered.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Quick check in. Had a wonderful weekend, went to visit a very old friend of mine. We went to high school and college together, and used to use together, A LOT. He has been one of the few friends from my past that I have carried with me. He knows all about my journey and has been supportive and understanding the entire time. He is married and has a son now, who I got to meet for the first time. We spent some time out on his boat and in the sun, very relaxing and refreshing, given that he lives in a small podunk town in central Illinois, it was much quieter than what I am used to up here near the big city.
On the way home, I stopped by for a visit to my Alma Mater, the place where I spent some of my greatest, and worst of days in my entire life. My college memories are always filled with strong and tender emotions. So many great times, so many dark times. The people who I miss, the loneliness I felt...The contrast of existence during those years had deep effects on me. It shaped me, transformed me, and accelerated my addiction towards rock bottom. I was filled with tears of happiness and sadness alike as I went for a walk through the old quad, how beautiful the sun felt as it poured between the leaves of hundreds of different, unique trees that had lived there long before my stay. The memories of my college years, the best and worst of my life, flooded through me. I took a few minutes and sat underneath a giant tree to ponder where I am now, and remember where I came from. It was very spiritual and meditative. I can never forget where I came from.
On the way home, I stopped by for a visit to my Alma Mater, the place where I spent some of my greatest, and worst of days in my entire life. My college memories are always filled with strong and tender emotions. So many great times, so many dark times. The people who I miss, the loneliness I felt...The contrast of existence during those years had deep effects on me. It shaped me, transformed me, and accelerated my addiction towards rock bottom. I was filled with tears of happiness and sadness alike as I went for a walk through the old quad, how beautiful the sun felt as it poured between the leaves of hundreds of different, unique trees that had lived there long before my stay. The memories of my college years, the best and worst of my life, flooded through me. I took a few minutes and sat underneath a giant tree to ponder where I am now, and remember where I came from. It was very spiritual and meditative. I can never forget where I came from.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
Life is going well for me. I am looking to finally move out of my parents house, have been looking at places here and there. Planning on renting a townhome with a friend from the program for a year, and then see how that works out. Very excited for changes on the horizon!
I have also been craving female companionship a lot recently. And sex, just being honest. Its been a couple months for me now and the weather is nice and well, you know the rest. Trying not to be driven by character defects and what not and that is a big struggle of mine I have come to know, character defects and my sexual relationships. Just taking it one day at a time and seeing what the universe has in store for me.
Speaking of love and the universe, I spent some time with my brother yesterday and we observed the transit of Venus. It was beautiful, it was mind blowing. Astronomy has always held a special place in my heart and mind, and has even become a part of my spirituality. And it was great to spend even a short few moments with my brother, quality moments. He recently graduated college and I am very proud of him. He is transitioning into a new life that for me was extremely difficult, so difficult I would consider it a catalyst to finding my bottom. How exciting for him, in this new chapter of his life. I can only hope he doesn't struggle with it as much as I did.
Much love for all here!
I have also been craving female companionship a lot recently. And sex, just being honest. Its been a couple months for me now and the weather is nice and well, you know the rest. Trying not to be driven by character defects and what not and that is a big struggle of mine I have come to know, character defects and my sexual relationships. Just taking it one day at a time and seeing what the universe has in store for me.
Speaking of love and the universe, I spent some time with my brother yesterday and we observed the transit of Venus. It was beautiful, it was mind blowing. Astronomy has always held a special place in my heart and mind, and has even become a part of my spirituality. And it was great to spend even a short few moments with my brother, quality moments. He recently graduated college and I am very proud of him. He is transitioning into a new life that for me was extremely difficult, so difficult I would consider it a catalyst to finding my bottom. How exciting for him, in this new chapter of his life. I can only hope he doesn't struggle with it as much as I did.
Much love for all here!
Do or do not. There is no try.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 635
My best friend's baby came into the world today. She was born happy and healthy and beautiful. I am so very happy for my friend and his girlfriend. You could see an almost aura like glow coming off of him, I have never seen him that happy in the 4+ years I have known him. Today I have an appreciation and gratitude for life that words alone cannot express and seeing new life enter the world, brought here by a couple I love dearly, makes me very happy.
It is weird, and I hate to temper the happiness with grief, but the thought has been there throughout the day. The hospital where she was born, the last time I was there, was the night my other best friend (who has since passed) tried to kill herself and I found her passed out on the floor of her house and called 911. It was almost exactly a year ago from today that I spent the night in the hospital with her as the doctors brought her back from the brink of death.
The stark contrast in my two most recent experiences in this hospital really highlighted the duality of existence; of life, and death. Happiness, and sadness. Grief, and gratitude. I miss her so much and wish she could have been here to celebrate this new life with us. She loved my friend, the new daddy, very much and would have been elated to meet his baby girl.
Grateful today for life.
It is weird, and I hate to temper the happiness with grief, but the thought has been there throughout the day. The hospital where she was born, the last time I was there, was the night my other best friend (who has since passed) tried to kill herself and I found her passed out on the floor of her house and called 911. It was almost exactly a year ago from today that I spent the night in the hospital with her as the doctors brought her back from the brink of death.
The stark contrast in my two most recent experiences in this hospital really highlighted the duality of existence; of life, and death. Happiness, and sadness. Grief, and gratitude. I miss her so much and wish she could have been here to celebrate this new life with us. She loved my friend, the new daddy, very much and would have been elated to meet his baby girl.
Grateful today for life.
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