I'm really back
 

So much has happen this past week and I just don't want to go over it all right now. BUT I wanted to drop in and say I'm fine, really fine. Cocaine is behind me now I know that for sure. It took a major life change to pull my head out of my rear but it happen.

As hard as I felt like I was trying, I now knowit was just a half #@$^. No more. I'm clean and I'm staying that way no matter what it takes.
:Val004:

I hear you!!!! after many years of quiting i Finally came to that point, were i said thats it i am done. That was 7 months ago :) I reaffirm that resolve everyday.

I like your signature YouTube - Holly Cole Trio - I Can See Clearly Now

Thanks StayinAlive. I like your signature too, Hubby always say I think too much, I always say he doesn't think enough.

I'm so glad you're back and in one piece. Haha you changed your signature for me, that's precious. Thanks!

I changed mine too, at least temporarily, long enough for me to figure out what it really means.

Anyhow, HAPPY EASTER!

How are the puppies? Welcome back. Hugs, Marle

Welcome back.

Puppies are fantastic. Eyes are starting to open and they are getting loud.

I'm glad you're back. Once we get to the point where we want to stay clean, no matter what it takes, things start to change. I won't say everything's gotten easier since I got into recovery, but it sure is nice getting through a struggle and realizing I really can deal with life without dope.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

???
 

I'm trying to figure out where my head is at. I know you guys are about to let me have it, :) that's why I'm posting this. So here goes. The past couple days I keep thinking, I'm not an addict, I feel like I'm getting past this and have no desire to get high. It feels great to feel this way but it worries me too. I don't want to ever go back to that place ever. I know how bad it got, and I wouldn't have let it get so bad if I had not been an addict and I also know Once an addict, always an addict. So is it ok to feel so normal now?
I've been told I THINK TO MUCH, is that what I'm doing now?

I'm glad you here. Just don't pick up........NO MATTER WHAT!

I like what Anvil said, and agree totally. I do really good, don't think about dope, then out of the blue, I will see or hear something, or I will get really stressed and my first thought is "it sure would be nice to get high and not have to worry about it". Sometimes it's just a fleeting thought, other times it wants to take up residence in my mind.

I just have to say "not an option right now" and distract myself until the thoughts go away. I also have a very vivid memory of how I felt the last time I used, when I relapsed.

It was when I started struggling to deal with all the consequences of my using, that it got hard to be happy about being clean. But, I stuck with it, and every time I got through something and didn't use, my self confidence grew a little bit.

Enjoy the good feeling that comes with being clean, but be very vigilant about that little addict voice....give it an inch and it will definitely take a mile.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Have you considered meetings? They're not for everyone, but they put you in that frame of mind that when you leave the meeting, you're so inspired and happy you don't want touse. Sometimes, I can be miserable, thinking a bout using, and I go there and tell on myself and don't you know I get at least three phone calls checking onme?

I've been to a few meetings. They are not out of the question at all, but I just don't get the good feeling that you guys get from them. I do/did like having a friend to call when I have/had cravings that I felt like I couldn't control. I've been told it's a choice to use but there were times I felt like I was being forced against my will.
Last night I was forced to admit I'm still an addict. I could get it of my mind. I didn't want to get high but something inside me felt like that was what I needed to be doing. Hard to explain. I'm even doing really good at keeping those feelings away from AH. In the past I now know I only brought it up to him because I wanted to fail.

Today is much better, I woke up, happily feed the critters, and looking forward to an extra busy day. :) Have a 6 hour horse back ride with a friend. I'll be doing good to walk tomorrow. I haven't really ridden in over 3 months now. My fingers maybe all that work after today. Take a puppy to the vet for wormer, then home to worm all 6.

AH is not sleeping well at all, yesterday he was trying to beat himself up pretty bad over his actions the past few weeks. He wants to talk about it but I just end up cutting him off saying it's in the past the only thing that can be changed now is you and the choices you make starting now. He said I feel like such a jerk. I feel his pain but I can't show any weakness because he might feed off of it. I just can't take that chance.

Can you hear me?
 

The ‘caine is not gone. It is always there.”

The question is what will you “do” differently this time around? I highly recommend one CA meeting today – and maybe starting a thread in the 12 step section on this site.

I don’t know where you got the idea that meetings are supposed to make you “feel good,” right away. For me, it was the program that made me feel better once I took the "action." I know many people that have had to drag themselves to meetings for a while before they began to like them – but they really, seriously wanted off and were willing to “do” what it took to find help.

I was one of the ones that liked meetings at first, but later found I had to drag myself to them. I don’t go because each meeting makes me “feel good” (although most of the time, when my head is right, I do feel better afterward); I go because in those rooms there is a solution to our problem.

I think right now your priority should be to make sure AH doesn't pick up again. If he goes down he might pull you down with him.

We'd like to believe that it always works out like a fable, the prodigal son returning after years of going astray and welcomed back with open arms. But we all know that in the real world, the story doesn't always end happily ever after.

Be strong now.

time
 

I just realized I don't know how long it's been since I really started recovery!! I stopped counting days when I made the turn, I refused to think about the last time I got high! Now I don't have a birthday!!

Should I get high again so I'll have a b-day?

Just kidding!

It's just a joke.
I'm reminded every day it's never gone!

Keep up the good work. I was following the other thread of yours and was wondering where you disappeared to. I'm so glad your back!

T-shirts and tank tops!!!

:Wburn