xjunkie

i am having a serious problem. i am off heroin about 2 years now. i'm 22/f. at first i was so happy to be clean, not sick, have a safe place to life, etc....that i couldn't have been happier. lately though, i just feel like i can't find enjoyment in anything in my life. i am not interested in hanging out with friends, guys, sex, anything!! i am so upset....all i think about is how much pleasure i got from shooting heroin. i am scared and don't know what to do. i feel i am going to relapse soon. i go to meetings and meet twice a month with a drug counselor, but i can't bring myself to tell these feelings to anyone. i am terrified. has anyone out there ever felt like this, and if so what did you do to find enjoyment in life again??? someone please help me~!!!!

velvet

HI. Whatever you do, anything is better that being a slave to a drug. I'd rather not have a friend in the world or be bored out of my mind. You need to find something that interests you, a hobby or just learning something new. Have you changed your routine lately? You are so young...there's so much out there.

velvet

This site is wonderful. A huge strength. My daughter is 25. She is my addict. Meth user and her boyfriend is a heroin user. You are so young, xjunkie(I'm sorry, that screen name has got to go.) Talk about living in the past....let's change that name...new outlook, so to speak.

velvet

Concentrate on the positive steps you have made. Remember, this time of year is always a great tester of wills. Don't let the drug rob you of your youth. I'm sure someone loves you. There is alot of good energy, power, here at this site. Stay close while you are feeling this way. Bless you in your sober journey. Velvet

bella

check your email

bikewench

Hey there X...

not using fixes only part of the problem for us addicts...
we have to address why we used in the first place...
and we no doubt build up some shame and unresolved stuff in our using...
this has to be looked at... or it will continue to drag you down...

have you ever looked into a recovery program..??

I never tried H... but I sure liked my coke.

I needed a simple.. workable plan to help me out of my hole...
the 12 step program did that for me...

using will only take you out...
I'd say save that option until you've exhausted every other possible solution to find your life...

we're here to help.

Blake

I have heard many people share about this same thing after they have been clean for a while, complacency is a common problem for recovering addicts after a while, I haven't personally had to deal with that yet, so I don't have any real insight on it.

What I do know is that it is awsome that you haven't done any dope in 2 years. I am a recovering oxy/heroin/methadone addict and you give me hope.

When I start to feel down about my life, I make a list of everything that I'm greatful for and it usually puts things in perspective for me.

If you don't currently go to NA, I'd strongly suggest it. It is the reason I'm still clean today. If you do go to NA, share about your feelings openly and honestly and you'll be supprised how many people you'll find that can relate and can share their experiance with you.

historyteach

Oh, dear xjunkie;
It sounds as if you have a serious case of depression! Look at what you've said:
That loss of enjoyment in anything is a classic sign of depression. Here's a checklist for you to look at. It will help yo determine if you are indeed depressed or not.
http://www.firelily.com/support/depr...selfcheck.html

For more information on depression, or to locate a free, confidential, professional depression screening site in your area, call the National Mental Health Association's Campaign on Clinical Depression: (800) 228-1114.

Dual diagnoses is not uncommon in addicts. I know. My son is dual diagnosed with bipolar and heroin addiction. He's in jail -- again.
Is your addiction allowing you to remember the pain caused by your using? You quit for a reason. What was it?

And honestly, it appears as if you are planning to relapse. Why are you not telling your counselor what you've told us? Why GO to a counselor if you plan on hiding those thoughts which you should be speaking about? And why not speak up at your meetings and get the ESH that will help you through this time.

You say you're terrified of going back out. Yet, you glorify using dope; you refer to the "pleasure" you get from shooting it. That's your addiction remembering only the escape from pain that dope gave you temporarily. It is only a piece of the picture. Go back and remember the pain CAUSED by your using. Pain to yourself; your family, friends, loved ones. Then decide if you really want to go back out. Decide if you're looking at using in an honest manner or not.

I really hope you come back and see the support here for you. I hope you'll decide to speak up to those that are around you and can help you through this difficult time. And I hope you take this seriously. Enough so that you'll get help for yourself before it's too late.

Two years clean is a lot to give up. I've prayed for my son to be where you are. It hasn't happened yet, but, your experience gives me hope that he will, one day, achieve his sobriety. Don't give it up... You're worth so much more than dope can give you.

Shalom!

Hopefloats

xjunkie CONGRATULATIONS on being in recovery. I am glad that you came here to speak of your feelings. Many recovering addicts will be here to offer their support and wisdom.

My daughter is the addict in my life. I take time to jump over here now and again, and I gain inspiration from stories like yours.

I cannot pretend to know what you are feeling, because I am not an addict. But I can offer compassion and tell you that using will not be the answer.

We can become afraid to speak of our feelings for many reasons. Keep seeing your counselor and do your best to keep sharing. That is what they are there for. Not to judge, but to help you with all of your feelings. I may go to one session and be afraid to speak about something, and at the next session, I am ready. KEEP GOING

Again, using won't help anything, it will only make everything worse. And most of all, you have my prayers....

You may remember how good the drugs made you feel... (the mind will trick you) and my guess is because you are not feeling joy, that you may be reverting back to the one thing you knew would bring you a feeling that you are seeking. PLEASE remember there are other ways to cope..
Again, I can honestly only guess, because I have not had your experience.

God bless you and please do all that you need to do, to stay clean. Again, I am very PROUD of you!
Hopefloats

1crybaby

wow! i wish my abf could stay clean for two yrs and THEN complain of these feelings... u r sooo strong, i pray that u can hang on thro this down time.. selfishly so u can give me even more hope than wat u already have given me. i thank u for sharing ur 2 yr sobriety, it is a huge acheivement... do something for ur self that will make u feel great, beautiful, worth it.. u deserve a huge treat for youe sober time.
take a trip, go to the beauty parlor. i am also a massage therapist... massages are great for chemically bringing up ur mood.. ur natural chemicals (hormones) are released through massage... instead of drugs.. benefits are faaaar better than drugs..

Evanna

Hey Xjunkie,
I am with Historyteach here. I have reached a couple of years clean on several occasions and used again because anything seemed preferable to the lowness that i was feeling on a daily basis. I first entered recovery when i was 20yrs old and nobody told me about depression. They would just say things like 'i hadnt had enough using' on reflection that was bullcrap. I had used hard enough and long enough way before i was 20yrs old.

It wasnt 'normal' to be 22yrs old, 2 yrs clean and still wishing i was dead. What i was experiencing wasnt 'normal' addict stuff. It was depression and yet nobody talked to me of depression. It took me until i was nearly 40yrs old for someone to say to me that they wish they had seen it before but i was clearly depressed and that was why recovery was such a damned effort. With those words they gave me a great gift and freed me somehow. I was no longer a failed recovering addict, failing to find gratitude, serentity or contentment .I was simply a recovering addict battling with overwhelming feelings of depression. As such i could be a little gentler with myself. A kinder internal dialogue and letting up on myself went a long way. This time i broke the 2yrs barrier and am now over 3yrs clean. I still struggle with depression nipping the edges of my head occasionally but it is nothing like it was and inbetween the nipping i now real contentment for the first time ever.

I am so glad you found this forum,
Please take a good look at HistoryTeach's posting. If it doesnt hold relevance for you then you can put it down again.

Warmest Regards
Evanna.

Christian

GOOD JOB ON 2 YEARS. PLease, know this is just psychological problem, and you can get through it. I think you are severely depressed (like me) and need to deal with that. How? im not sure, i could learn that also

ALSO: i was in the same boat as you, when i quit ICE/meth, i was feeling confident ext...then after a while this all ran out.

riphoenix

Hi my names J. I feel the exact same way. I am 27, well 28, married and have been clean about 2 years, was using on and off for 5 years (steadily/ daily/ hourly for about 2 years). I was forced to quit. My family staged an intervention. I had been hiding it from everyone but everyone knew. I always wanted one last hit. Lots of my friends are still using. They just go round in circles, rehab then relapse then rehab then relapse. I have been clean but I am bored with life. I have no enjoyment. I am an alcoholic. It's all I have. I can't smoke weed coz I go crazy so all i can do is drink and now everybody wants me to stop that. I am mizerable, but happy. It makes no sense. but I know EXACTLY what you're saying. I am in the same boat with you, directly opposite you. Nothing makes me happy, except my wife. I ****** hate life now. Everything is boring, I have no enjoyment. I try so hard. I have never had counselling as I can;t listen to people try to tell me they "know how I feel" It just angers me. I want to stab them with screwdrivers in the face when they say that (if they've never been an addict that is)

SteppingItUp

Hey Riphoenix!

I'm a recovering addict. I started with alcohol and marijuana, moved into pills, took innumerable quantities of random drugs, smoked heroin for 6 years and didn't stop until after I had been using 24/7 for a long time. I hung in that misery until I finally got free last year. I'm 372 days clean from everything, and I can't remember feeling this good in years.

Here's the thing -- no wonder why you're miserable. You're drinking. Alcohol is a drug -- one of the oldest, most used and biggest ass kickers out there.

If you're serious about wanting to stop extending the nightmare, the truth is you don't have to keep living that way. I believe a better life is within the grasp of any addict willing to accept the terms.

My saving graces have come through getting clean and following a program of recovery. Personally, NA has been a life saver for me. If you want to hear suggestions from my experience of what works, they start with these:

-a meeting a day for at least 90 days
-go early, stay late
-get phone numbers and use them!
-Keep Going Back!


How to find a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in your area --->>> Home
NA helpline phone numbers --->>> http://na.org/?ID=phoneline

In the words of Bob Dylan, "When you ain't got nothin' you got nothin' to lose."

The only way to stop using is to stop using. I think the Basic Text of NA is also a life saver. It can also be found at meetings and for free in PDF form online.

Free Online Version of the Basic Text of NA --->>> http://na.org/admin/include/spaw2/up...Webposting.pdf
Welcome to NA Introductory Pamphlet --->>> http://na.org/admin/include/spaw2/up.../IP/EN3122.pdf


If you don't want what the rooms have to offer after 90 days, you can get a full refund on your misery. Deal?

I'm rooting for you. Wouldn't it be amazing to be free? Lots of hope to be had.

What you decide to do is up to you.

Big hugs!

Best wishes!