Movin On

Tired, very tired, not fun, wanting to drink and wanting to do drugs, very ashamed, guilt, weary, always pondering what is and what is not worth it.

Thoughts.......thoughts......daydreaming, wishing, hateful but trying to be grateful.

All the mistakes, all the regrets all reasons to give up. life must be better than this.

give it time, you say? how much time? work harder and when i fail, get back up...is that what you say?

i can still look at the moon with a buzz, i can still enjoy family. why is it so bad to want to take the edge off? something just to make life a little easier. something that helps you sleep with having nightmares.

i read a sign that said,

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

what does that mean to you?

i am just rambling (i'm am not on drugs) but wishing i was.

northbelle

Hmmmm...I don't know I hav enever been able to think or analyze out a answer to that one!!!
My BEST THINKING got me here!!
I got no answers for ya,,,,,I am trying not to use my head to figure things out these days...
love ya !!!
north

emmer

Your very honest and poetic Movin. There nothing wrong with wanting to take the edge off.....its how we take it off thats sometimes wrong.
This staying clean thing is an everyday battle at times, but whats the option?
Getting loaded and staying empty and without for the rest of our lives?
Getting busted, losing loved ones, our job our sanity .... all the important things in life?
It aint worth it. ....imho

Movin On

if we only knew how to take the edge off and then STOP!

could that be possible?

Cathy31

Not possible. Not for me. Read the Promises of AA/NA...they Do come true, and I am living a life I did NOT think possible when using. It is a true miracle and SO worth it! Go for it!!!

Movin On

i don't believe in miracles anymore.

the big book, na....i know they work for some but i don't see them working for me. i'm not trying to be negative -- just realistic.

you know what makes me so mad is that i ride the fence on the whole issue of recovery.

i'm just hurting right now and i'm confused and i just feel like crying and want to be left alone, yet i want to be held so tight and cry until there are no tears left in me.

it's not getting better--i slip up every once in a while and then i feel so guilty...it's just a little slip and i just say to myself....."hell.... why didn't i just go ahead and do it up BIG. if i'm going slip and feel guilty then have a good reason to feel guilty over....not one drink....not one pill.

i can't do it. i'm tired of trying.

i know it's late and i'm listening to some classic rock & roll (which is probably a trigger according to the people in treatment centers)....i'm listening now to Bob Segar--Turn the Page.

i'm much more upbeat and light hearted when on drugs.....right now i'm down in the dumps and don't see any daylight. i see a monday thru friday work week just hours away and i just want to be happy.

i'm asking myself....what would make me happy......money? drugs? seeing my son's beautiful face again? having no responsibilities? just what would make me happy right now? peace on earth? my god....let me get out of ME for a moment....how about peace on earth.

that's my problem...i'm selfish and it's all about ME and i hate that. i hate me.

don't know where i'm going with my thoughts as they seem to be bouncing all over the place.....but who cares? i don't. pity party, you say? yes....and so what....anybody want to fight about it? i could fight right now. i could punch a hole in the wall, scream to the top of my lungs!!!!!!!!!!!!

god....let me get all this junk out of my system....these emotions these senseless emotions.

Aducksdelight

Movin, I don't have anything uplifting to say but I want you to know that I can really relate to your post. It was as if you were saying everything I haven't been able to put into words lately. I am struggling big time and all I want to do is not feel. I don't want to be me anymore but I don't want to be anyone else. It's a nightmare. Just wanted to say I understand how you feel.

Sugah

I can relate to how you describe, Movin On. I got clean and I was crippled, alone and in my estimate, well past the prime of "fulfilling my potential." And that's all I could think about. Why be clean & sober?

Know how I broke out of that state? I'm sure it'll sound simplistic, but it happened how it happened: I started doing things for others. Even though I thought I was the one who needed it all, I did for others, and I kept doing until I could do without expectations. For awhile, I'd come back to me and find I was still miserable, but little by little, that changed.

Try it. You might find it works for you, too.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

ccgirl

Movin - One part is easy. You want to take the edge off to use because you have a disease that tells you this. It stinks but it's true.

I forget- how long have you been sober? I was just wondering if you're going through the natural process of that.

I don't have any deep answers or anything, but we all do understand and I've felt it too.

DoingWell

I think everyone can relate to wanting to just take that edge off..
It's very normal so cut yourself some slack.
Don't believe the thoughts!

Jane63

**{Movin On}} I love your honesty and I don't think I've read anything in a long time that so closely describes what I feel...and what we all feel at some point in our lives and recovery!!!

Even with the daily Xanax I am prescribed, it does not always take the edge off the way I would like...but it does help.
I am not saying that this is the right choice for everyone, but maybe you should see your DR and describe the feelings you are having and see if you can be helped through medication and/or talking to a professional to sort through these feelings?

Also...Do you journal or BLOG? You write so beautifully! I keep two BLOGS...One for my family to look at and one just for myself. It really helps to get the thoughts into print and out of my head!

~Jane

Movin On

i do try to journal and it helps with getting it all out.

i, however, would be very embarrassed if someone should read them. i say all the ugly things that no one wants to really hear about me.

i'm going to get through this....i have to be willing and i think that is the very first step is to be willing.

some days my feelings of willingness are more aggressive than other days but i'm not ready to throw in the towel.

thanks for listening -- all of you. each of you has become special and i try to hear what your saying and learn from your experience. all of you are great friends to let me dump on you and you still accept me.

ccgirl

Moving On - That's what journals are for. If I said half the stuff out loud that I wrote in a personal journal, I'd probably go to jail.

Another tool I found helpful in detox, was they asked us to write a personal addiction history, starting with our childhood. It was very enlightening and made me feel like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Also, are you seeing a counsellor to talk about your depression?
That would certainly help, if you are willing to share your darkest feelings and fears.