squirty

I haven't really been posting about how I've been feeling lately and I probably should have cus I don't feel good.

For those of you that know me you will know that I went to a festival recently. Although I had a good time I spoiled it by going too far with the drugs. Well now I feel like I'm in trouble. Like I'm not gonna recover from this one.

I took a lot of drugs there (please don't see this as in any way bragging - just trying to get honest. I do not condone my behaviour one little bit.) Basically took a lot of ecstacy, MDMA and coke - whilst continually smoking weed and taking codeine (my DOC). The final evenin there we decided to take some acid, then some E, then some MDMA, then do balloons, then took some drug called 2CB (which I'd never even heard of but apparantly heightens your feelings) Needless to say I was a complete mess and to cut a long story short I thought I was a gonner that evening. I had severe heart palpatations and couldn't breathe well at all.

I stood there completely wasted watching a band thinking that my number was almost definitely up. I wasn't actually that bothered either. I felt it was what I deserved and to be honest I couldn't help but feel it might be a relief to not have to keep chasing that high I can never achieve. Maybe the fact I didn't panic saved me that night. Maybe there was someone watching over me.

I am grateful now though to be alive.

I know some of you must be thinking that I am a waste of space and an idiot for taking such a ridiculous cocktail of drugs. I am not going to argue with that. It is true. When I sit in a relatively sober state I wonder why I can be so stupid for someone fairly intelligent (okay maybe I'm not intelligent!)

The most ridiculous thing is I spent a lot of the time pissed off cus my mates had taken all the morphine before I got there.

Anyway, I don't seem to have recovered well at all. I have not taken any drugs other than codeine and alcohol for a week and I'm still a mess. I know I shouldn't be taking codeine or booze but I'm just trying to crawl along in the only way I know how.

Yesterday morning I woke up with some really odd bruising on my arms along my veins. I hadn't hurt myself & there's no explanation - too many bruises to just be one of those things. My friends made me go to A & E but I left cus I was scared when I was waiting. I was scared cus a doctor friend said it could be linked to liver problems.

Again you're all probably thinking I'm stupid.

Again I can't argue with that.

I am just so frightened and alone. I know I have problems I need to face up to - I'm just terrified. I only have 2 more weeks to get through at work before my holidays. I desperately just wanna crawl through that. Then I can think about me.

Just really scared I might not make it. I know there's a good chance I've got problems with my liver after the years of abuse I've given it. I know I need to get it checked it out.

Basically I know all the things I need to do. I just don't have the strength to do it at the moment.

I guess I'm just asking for some emotional support.

Thanks for listening.

Love Squirty xxx

mikiglen

you're not stupid and you're not alone. you know what i've done, too
and the bruising? it is liver related. when you have liver problems, you develop bleeding issues, as the liver manufactures what you need to clot.
i can't count the number of times i've woke up with like the entire backs of my thighs bruised, and of course, no injury.
let this be a wake up call, next time you may not make it. that's a chance each of us take when we use.
i don't want to read about you on here like we did cat
hugs

woops

We are all here for you - you know that?
But - we can't take that first step for you..........
So - its over to you..........
Lift the phone...... and regain control of your life. You just cant go on like this, can you? Its far too painful - physically and emotionally? And this is a progressive disease - it can only get worse......... You need the support of people and AA and NA can and will provide that help.......... for where else can you go?
Be assured of all our love and support............
yer woops!!

Spiritual Seeker

Get yourself into rehab. Run don't walk.

StagebearNJ

No problem. Ain't nothing glamorous about what you posted. And I know you did not intend it to be.
You have emotional support here, but it is not enough to help you get clean at this point. Do it. Make the move. Take the step. Call someone.

Best,
Bear

Spiritual Seeker

Addiction is the only disease that tells you that you don't need treatment for a progressive possibly fatal disease. Don't listen to your addicted brain. Do what you must do. If you are ingesting that amt. + variety you are a "garbage can." This is serious as you know. Tell your parent or your sibling, that you need help and ask them to help get the treatment you need.

woops

That is just not that easy here in the UK. We dont have detox and rehab centres where we can just book in. These clinics are few and far between - and we need to be referred by our general practitioner - and that in itself is hard enough - generally GPs will not refer a patient........ but in some cases they do. If the patient is ill enough. It would certainly be worth Squirty's while to approach her GP....... and if he thinks she merits it she might get referred (and the treatment is completely free)
There are a few private exclusive places - mainly for the mega rich - celebs and the like. But - yes - it is possible to get a referral........and therefore free treatment for 3 months..........
The other resources here are AA, NA ...........
What do you say, Squirts?

emmer

Hi Squirty, my name is Joe, I don'ty think weve chatted before. Anyhow your not stupid or anything like that.
You just have a drug problem and you need to do whatever you need too,to get clean. I too abused my liver so much the doctors were wondering why the test were so strange. Enzymes that weren't supposed to be in my blood stream were present.
I was hammering the crap out of my liver. You might not believe what I was putting through it.
Please Squirty, please phone someone for help....go to na , someone will come and pick you up and take you home too. Please keep posting.

Brewster

You are not stupid. You're like us. We're not stupid either.

What it is for me, is that I think that getting out of myself (intoxicated) with drugs is something that I deserve to relieve stress. Or I think that drugs will enhance the feeling of an experience.

In fact I've been fortunate enough to have a chance to see that that's not so. Over the last year I've kept the beast at bay and enjoyed a calmer life.

Right now you probably think you are so far from being able to lead the sober life and yet really it's just a couple of blocks over from where you are. You gotta leave your home and go through a rough neigborhood, but the drug free side of town is nice.

squirty

Thanks guys. Wow. I didn't expect that much emotional support. I guess that's all part of the problem - ya know thinking you don't deserve people being nice and supportive.

Spiritual - detox might well be the anwer but like woops said I don't think possible. I can't even get to see a doctor. I was in tears yesterday cus I desperately just wanted to finally get myself to a doctor and admit to everythin - ya know surrender. I was on the phone most of the day (when I wasn't trying desperately to do a good job) and they just kept saying they couldn't help me and ring someone else. One said that even if I was a registered patient they couldn't see me for 3 weeks! I said what about emergencys? They said they don't have emergency appointments! To be honest, I am so scared now I would pay and go private but I just can't afford it. Spent all my money on drugs.

Anyway, got to keep trudging on and get ready for work.

Thanks SO much to you all. You are all amazing people with such big hearts.

Maybe I can at least put someone off this 'party' lifestyle. Believe me - it aint no party after a while.

Joe (emmer) has your liver recovered? Is there anything that can be done by a doctor? I know that's a tricky one to answer as we can't give medical advice. I'm just so frightened you know.

Misti are you doin ok?

Woops - love ya loads.

Stagebear was so nice to hear from ya - I thought that maybe ya weren't speaking to me (paranoia!)

Hi Brewster - thanks.

Speak to you later.

Love Squirty xxx

WA_NA_Survivor

No need to feel alienated Squirty, we don't put on 'airs and graces' here. At close to 18 months clean time, I'm finding that I get humbled time and time again by my addictive, obsessive tendencies even though drugs are no longer the outward manifestation.

I'm having a very rough time right now but I don't always reach out for help.

I am concerned by the amount of tylenol (you probably call it paracetamol) you take (in Solpadiene etc) - that's damaging to the liver. Even a normal dose of paracetamol with a moderate amount of alcohol is damaging to the liver. Best to go to your Dr because being informed always puts you in a greater position of strength.

You don't want to get to the point of no return with liver damage - if you cross that line you'll be dreadfully ill and apparently the death that follows is long, drawn out and painful.

How's Arura?

2ala2

It all depends on what you are willing to do, how far you will go to get better.
The alternative is death.
No matter how hard it is to get into a facility in the UK, you can if you try hrad enough.
You have been given another chance, please use it.

woops

You know Squirts - it might not be such a daft idea?
You are very ill - your doc would have to see you - its a matter of getting past the medical receptionist................. I am sure he would see you if you explained - because you are in urgent need of medical help?
Our local NHS hospital has detox facilities and then long term rehab.......... all for NH patients. One of our own GPs spent 6 months in rehab there - was just the best thing for him. Started out in a locked ward and progressed to nice open self contained cottage in the garden............
Even if you got there for detox initially - it would be a start? A medically supervised detox is perhaps what you need just now? Perhaps your GP might send you along thro A & E? What do you think? I just dont know how desperate you are?
Another option is the much publicised Detox5 (http://www.detox5.co.uk/) - at least you could give them a call and see what is available? They specialise in opiates etc. And a 5 day detox would give you a chance? I think that after the initial 5 days they then recommend you undertake a 12 step programme.......... I guess thro NA. But - surely that is worth a phone call?

For advice and help please phone us on 0800 515 282 or email us at [email protected]

I see they offer a 5 - 7 day detox - sounds good? You have nothing to lose - so why not call them. Good time of year for you too - even if you have to lose a couple of weeks at the end of term - this might in the long term save your job?
It has to be worth the effort of a phone call?

Good luck!

t_a_n_y_a_

Squirty - Sounds like one of my very typical nights when I was using. I've mixed the majority of the drugs you stated together at once (including during my relapse this past weekend), and its incredibly scary. Its this never ending cycle of getting really up and feeling like your heart is going to explode, then popping the codeine to bring you down, then more coke to bring you back up. I've been lucky thus far, and seems you have been too....but next time you might not be.

Woops gave you some good links and numbers, I hope you make use of them because your not a waste of space, nor an idiot and i'm very worried for you. I know only too well how poisonous these combinations can be. Don't wait until it's too late

love and support headed your way
Tanya

woops

Squirts - you out there?
Let us know how you are?
woops

Poor kitty - this is what she looked like on her return from Glastonbury!!!!
Can you sympathise?

squirty

Well I'm a bit all over the place but still here!

Had similar troubles gettin to a doctor today but managed to find one who'd see me as an emergency patient tomorrow.

So tomorrow morning I'm gonna try and get honest with a doctor and hope he hears me. I'm scared to death. I don't want to mess it up this time. I sort of feel like it might be my last chance.

The thing that scares me the most is despite the fact I am struggling with my health, I can't seem to stop taking codeine to excess. Despite the fact I've had a few people who know and really care about me pleading with me. I don't want to hurt anyone who cares about me. I suppose I just don't care about myself enough. I know tht is why I've got to reach out for help though. I do have people in my life who care about me and I'm not being fair to them.


WA NA - thanks. Arura is ok. I spoke to her yesterday. She sent her love.

Tanya - I feel like I can relate to you quite a lot. Think we may be fairly similar. You are being so strong sweety. Well done for getting yourself out of your recent hole. You're an inspiration.

Woops - I'll check those links out - thanks. Just want to get the doctors out the way first. See what happens.

Big hugs to you all xxx

StagebearNJ

Aw, shucks, no. I reserve not speaking for members of my biological family. My online family has to deal with my grump all the time!
Seriously- I'm watching for your posts here. You have said so mnay positive things in the past, so I know the capacity is there.

Love ya,
Bear

Done_With_It

Your not stupid. Addiction sucks.. I'm sorry your having such a hard time.
I hope tomorrow is the day for you. We all get there in our own time, it's
our path, it's not stupidity. It took me many lines of meth to get to my
path of recovery....

******...}}}

woops

Great news, Squirts. Tell the doc everything - absol everything - dont hold back. Hopefully something will come of this - and you'll be headed for some sort of treatment?

As for the continuing consumption of the codeine - yep - that's just the way addiction is. And its not a matter of listening to people who care about you - or your being fair to them - its just plain old addiction. No logic. But it is so powerful - as you are finding out? Everyone in here knows exactly how your are feeling and how you are behaving - for we have all been there - dont that - got the t shirt.

Good luck - what time is your appt? Will be thinking of you and looking forward to hearing what the outcome is.
Chin up, chest out.............
woops

emmer

Hi Sqirty, yes my liver did recover- i really shouldn't have a liver for what i did to it but yep it did recover.
I relapsed sooo many times ......27 in all on opiats.
And many more times with benzos, but Squirty I'm clean now. You can do it.