Whydididothis

Well I have read many different sites and this is the first time I have had any courage to actually write something. I take/do 2 30mg oxycodone at least 10 times a day, sometimes up to 15.... I know that is alot and trust me its a very expensive addiction as well. I have been on them for about 2 years really heavy but have been taking pain meds for over 5 years. I tried tapering and it was actually working I was down to between 8-12 pills a day (which is still alot but better) but for some reason I started taking more and more and more until I was right back where I started. Nobody in my family knows, my husband doesnt know, although I think he is suspicious bc he found one in his truck and of course I played dumb saying "what is that". I have a 10 year old daughter and a family who loves me very much. We are having financial problems now bc of my addiction and that alone makes me feel horrible but at the same time helpless. I have experienced the start of withdraw but never got past day 2. I REALLY want to get clean and stay clean but it is sooo hard. I am going to start tapering again but does that really help I have a friend who only does 1 30mg a day and still cant stop taking that, well she splits it up in 4 doses, so how can I possibly do it from the dose I am on. I recently had sort of a breakdown and took a handfull of xanax and then went to work ( I am self employed) so I am sure now everyone knows there is some kind of problem but they just dont know what. My husband just took me home and put me to bed and didnt really saymuch about it. I just would like some advice or support or anything at all you may have to say.

Dee74

Hi whydidIdothis

Welcome to SR.

I've never done Oxys, but as an addict whose been where you are, I think you need to reach out.

I know you've been trying to keep this secret, but even if you're right and you have done so up to now, it really is only a matter of time before you get caught out, if you keep going.

I think speaking with a Dr is always a good move.

Most people seem to get some benefit out of a support group too - you might want to look into that as well and, of course, keep posting here

D

Sugah

There will be folks through here soon, I'm sure, to discuss the different ways to ease withdrawal, though I'm going to chime in here with some experience and suggestions.

Experience: Withdrawal, though painful and miserable, doesn't last forever. Although I prefer not to discuss the level at which I was using when I stopped, I'll tell you that it was above at and often above what you're taking now. I had health complications, so I required an inpatient hospital-based detox. If you're otherwise healthy, the greatest danger in detoxing from opiates is dehydration.

Experience: Recovery is almost possible to find in secret and in isolation. If you're an addict like me, you'll need the support of others who've been where you are. This means getting honest with your family. Some have managed to seek recovery and recovering people without the knowledge of their families, but it adds a layer of stress that you probably don't want and definitely don't need.

Experience: There is life after opiates. How willing are you to do what it takes to find it?

Suggestion: Find the locations of the NA meetings in your area and get there as soon as possible. If you don't have NA meetings, go to an open AA meeting. You didn't mention alcohol in your post, though most addicts find they have no more control over alcohol than they do over their primary drug. If that's the case with you, go to any AA meeting.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

kj3880

I'm sorry to hear about your problem. I've gone through a similar thing. In my experience, tapering didn't work. I tried it hundreds of times. I would get down to about half my normal dose, then I'd reward myself with a splurge. That's what most of us do, and then we build it right back up 'til it's higher than before. Nothing worked for me until I started NA meetings and also met with an experienced addictionologist who detoxed me with a suboxone program over a long time. It wasn't bad at all.

Actually recovery has been the best thing I've ever done in my life. I don't regret my addiction, because it brought me to recovery, to a closer relationship to my own spirit and the God of my understanding. It brought me some wonderful new relationships with other recovering addicts. And I'm truly happy now, for the first time...maybe...ever!

I hope you give NA a try. And search for an understanding addictionologist doctor or similar. You will have to make changes in your life, but they will be for the better, I promise!

Love,
KJ

tbeit

Being an addict much like you tapering never worked for me either.Just like kj above I would reward myself with more pills.I dont know if the pills your taking have tylenol but if they do you need to look into that.90 meetings in 90 days are in my opinion the only way to get sober I have been dry several times and it sucks trust me you want to be sober.In my opinion you are going to need a Dr. to get off that much opiates safely.I know there are people on here that say you can do if on your own I never could.
You say your family and husband dont know but I have to tell you if they are honest with themselves they at least think somethings going on.We are never as good at covering our tracks as we think.I was like no one knows but after I cleaned up I had people tell me "you didnt think we didnt know do you".
Anyway we can and do recover its a simple program which requires rigorous honesty.Good luck keep coming here and posting

Whydididothis

Thank you all for the responses.... I am VERY serious about getting off of these and staying off its just getting there. I have read alot of bad things about suboxone and the wds from those I have heard are alot worse and last alot longer. I would rather not trade one drug for another if at all possible. Believe it or not I have complete control when it comes to any other drug and alcohol. I am not a drinker never really got into anything else other than these little blue pills that have taken over my life....my life that is what I want back. I guess I am just scared what life will be like without them I think I have forgotten what it is like to just live. I am starting today with taking down the doses. The morning is the worst it seems like I need so much just to get my day started but I am trying to do like u said and wait 4 hrs but I dont think it is even the effets that I am after it just seems like I HAVE to do them before I can do anything for example yesterday I looked at postings on here, did 2 pills, registered, did 2 pills, wrote my story, did 2 pills...... It is more like a habit of the process instead of the high, does that even make sense???? Oh by the way I prob shoulda mentioned that I am a crusher and they all go up my nose, that sounds awful to even write but IDk if it makes a difference and maybe if there is anyone out there that has been where I am I would appreciatte any kind of support and am open for any suggestions on ways to ease the wd symtoms that some of you may have tried.... Thanks again

Whydididothis

I also wanted to add that I am starting to think about how to at least tell my husband, as tbeit said I am sure he has some kind of clue as to what is going on I mean he found one in his truck and then the day I had the breakdown he went threw my purse and found only 1 pill (I keep them hidden for fear my daughter will gain access to them and get curious even tho she is only 10) but it was the same little blue pill he found in his truck, he doesnt really think it is a coincidence does he?? I am sure he notices the thousands of dollars that are missing from our bank accounts too. I always thought I was so clever and had an excuse for everything that ppl believe but Im sure I am fooling myself and they know. I just don't want this addition to follow me around and haunt me for the rest of my life and it always be in my husbands head that his wonderful wife is a drug addict. He calls me super wife bc I run 4 bussiness, am a mother, a wife, I manage to run a pretty good household and keep everything together.... but is it the drugs that give me that boost to doall that??? will I still be a "super wife" when they are gone... but at the same time I cant remember soooo much, we had a fire at our house about a month ago and we looked at a house to rent we were there for about half hour and I cant even tell you 1 detail about the house other than it has white carpet...Thats it thats all I can remember is that a side affect from the pills or am I losing my mind??? Sorry this is solong but I have had nobody to talk to about this for so long that I am going on and on but thanks for reading if you get to the end!!

skroomadoom

Yes, I'm sure you will still be "super wife" trust me the drugs aren't helping they're only hurting. I've seen so many of my friends and myself as well think that the drugs are helping to make me more productive, out-going, social, whatever but in the end it wasn't true because I got so caught up in the drugs that everything else was on the back burner.

As far as helping the withdrawals I can't give you medical advice but I can tell you what worked for me. If you can get to your doctor they will give you medications to help take away some of the anxiety and to help you sleep. Other than that I will say the number one thing is EXERCISE! Exercise releases endorphins (natural opiates) so it takes the edge off and being really tired makes it easier to sleep. Hot baths always help with the chills. One of the major things for me is the mental aspect so I try to just chill and watch TV/movies, read books, etc to keep my mind off it.

I know you say you don't want to trade one addiction for another and I feel ya on that but I must say I have seen suboxone work wonders for some of my friends. It gave them a chance to change their lifestyle and make positive changes that would help them stay clean when they finally came off the subs.

Shoot me a PM if you want more advice on getting through the withdrawals or subs or whatever. I'm having a rough time staying sober myself (on day 4 now) but I know a thing or two about getting through the sickness.

Good luck!

bval

Welcome to the boards Why.

Lemme tell ya, I've been there, done that, and like Sugah ... I've taken as much as you're talking about taking in a day. And that is A LOT you are talking about.

I'm not going to give you medical advice, but at the levels you're talking about, I have to highly recommend talking to a doctor about getting onto bupe (aka subs).

Yes, it's an addictive opioid just like what you're on now, one that you'll *need to taper down before quitting* otherwise you'll have terrible w/d effects, and yes they do linger around longer than coming off of oxys, generally-speaking, because they're a longer-lasting opioid.

However:
1) You get them legally from a real doctor, and most will at least give you some semblance of counseling
2) They are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY cheaper than buying oxys off the streets
3) They don't get you high, in fact, within the space of about 2 days, you end up feeling almost completely normal, like you did before you ever started messing with opioids.
4) They block other opioids from getting you high, and this effect lasts about 2-3 days even if you stop taking them.
5) They are much, MUCH easier to wean down and off of than oxy's are, mainly cause they don't get you high.
6) You don't have to do put yourself at legal risk all the time to get them.
7) Friends and family tend to be a lot more supportive when you tell them about a problem like this when BEFORE you go to tell them, you've already gone to see a doctor who's put you onto something that's designed to help you get well.

Honestly, it's just way easier to wean down and off of subs than it is to do it with oxys, your drug of choice. Yes there are horror stories, but look around ... there's lots of US (meaning me) who got off of large amounts of oxy's and heroin and things with the help of a doctor and buprenorphine. As long as you taper properly, the w/d's getting off of subs is not as bad as those of oxy's. Trust me, I've tried it both ways.

The source of the horror stories, if you really get into the details of most of them, is that either 1) people didn't taper properly, or 2) they never should've even BEEN on subs, because they're problem wasn't nearly bad enough to warrant it in the first place, and they just had unethical (or unknowing) doctors who ended up basically making their addiction way worse by giving them subs.

*YOU*, OTOH, are taking PLENTY enough to justify sub treatment, IMHO. Of course, talk to a doctor about it, don't just take my advice, but ... as someone who's been right where you are, and who got clean via a 7-month sub taper with a doc's help, and hasn't gone back to opioids in the 2.5 years it's been since, I can tell you from experience ... within days of switching to subs, your life is going to start getting immeasurably better. And getting off of them is NOT that bad, esp. if you have someone to hold them for you as you near the end of your taper, when it actually starts to get challenging.

Good luck, and keep posting

tsmba

Methadone could be an option, too. Depending on your medical condition, a doctor can determine which is more appropriate. Both have their advantages and disadvantages, and their inherent "problems" stem mostly from government-control. The important point to realize going in is that either drug in itself provides no cure. Simply accessing and taking the meds is not a "solution". Instead, they prevent withdrawal symptoms and cravings thereby freeing you to get on with the "real" work of recovery.

Whydididothis

While I appreciate the info on the different methods I am going to attempt this on my own (well with the support of this site). I know it is going to be hard and in some sense I want it to be. If it was easy then what would stop me from just getting back on them if its so easy to stop?? Odd outlook I guess but a good one I think. I have set my quit date for a week from today (Monday December, 22) I am choosing a weekday so that I am forced to get out of bed, out of the house and do something. Wow I just realized how close it is to CHristmas, this may not be a wise choice of date idk, maybe I should wait until after the holiday OR maybe it will help being the holidays and keep mymind off of it. Geesh I went into this post so sure of myself and being clean next week and now I am talking myself out of it!!

tsmba

Stopping without meds will always be the preferred method. ORT is a long-term commitment that should only be considered if other routes fail. Online forums are a good source of support but cannot replace personal interaction with the recovery community. We all have had to learn to reach out for help and to stop isolating. Suiting up and showing up for meetings, meeting new friends, and working the steps are all vital parts of the process. No one has to do it all at once, but we all must learn to bear the initial discomfort of lifestyle changes.

I'm sure everyone else used the same excuses I did, "I don't have time", "those people aren't like me", "I'm strong-willed and appreciate the advice, but I can do it my way, everyone is different", and on ad infinitum. All of that is typical of the ******** we all tell ourselves. The "easier" way (by far) is to ignore yourself, go to some meetings, and do what the winners tell you!

bval

So, wait. In one post you think subs are horrible to get off of, and the w/d's last so long ... now in the next post you're afraid it'll be too easy?

Don't get me wrong, getting off of subs is not a picnic, not something you want to go through twice.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and try to talk you into getting on the things, I just want to you sit and read the things I posted in my thread above one more time. Really think about it.

Getting onto subs, you get your life back, like NOW. It's cheaper, it's LEGAL, you work with a doctor, and you feel normal (not high, just normal, and clear-headed) every day until you get off of them. It's much easier to taper, and provided you do so, the w/d's are not as bad.

Snorting 600+ mg of Roxy's a day that you buy off the street (it sounds like) you have got to spending incredible amounts of time, money, and energy chasing dope all the time ... believe me, you're talking to someone who's been there, and done that. At that level of usage, you could seriously just up and OD one day, no joke. That is a LOT of dope.

Getting onto subs pretty much ends so many of the bad things that have got to going on in your world right now.

I don't recommend subs to everyone, especially not this emphatically ... but you are a prime candidate my friend. I know because I was right where you're at ... and that stuff saved my bacon.

I know you can look over at KrissyPissy's thread and hear her saying she just up and quit 600mg/day, but I'm telling you right now ... she is the ONLY ONE in the 2.5 years I've been coming to this site that's ever done anything like that, at home. In JAIL, sure, people do this all the time. At home ... no friggin way. She is the 1/1,000,000 exception to the rule if you ask me.

I don't mean to be discouraging, but at 600mg/day you are SO FAR AWAY from getting off this stuff right now. You think you're gonna taper for a week then stop taking them right before xmas and just go to WORK, and just like 'keep busy' and 'do stuff' to take your mind off how you're feeling?

Seriously ... you apparently have no idea how bad you are going to feel if you actually try what you're talking about here. There is just no way you are going to be able to go about your normal business in any way, shape or form, kicking c/t off of a 600mg/day roxy snorting habit. It'll be more like you are going to need a bedpan, and a barf bucket next to your bed because you won't even be able to physically get up to go to the bathroom. And you literally will not sleep for 5 nights straight, and be in agonizing pain and depression, and AWAKE every minute, of the first 5 days.

Again, not to discourage you, because getting off this stuff IS doable ... but ... not the way you're talking about doing it.

You've already tried tapering off of oxy's before, and what happened? You told us above what happened. That's what happens to most people, actually.

I hope you get real about this situation, and that you do so quickly ... before something bad happens.

Whydididothis

I am currently trying to find a doctor to see....not exactly as easy as I thought it would be. There is a recovery center in the town that I live in, I called them and it will be almost 5 months before I can even be seen there! I cannot seem to find a doc whoi can even prescribe subs around here. My husband has planned a surprise vacation for us and we are leaving on Sunday!! We will be gone for 7 days, I dont know what to do, I dont want to be sick the entire time we are gone but I obviously wont have access to the pills being out of the country either. I need to tell him, I know in case I am sick while we are gone and something happens he will know. I wish so bad I could go back and take it all back and start over.........

Sugah

b...my man, I'm not lobbying for one way over another, but truly, those who have taken the c/t route aren't as rare as you might think. I may have done medical detox the last time, but there were plenty of times before that I did it at home -- maybe not because I wanted to, but I did it. Yes, at that level and above.

But doing it without anyone knowing what's going on? Good luck with that. Now, while it's still possible to get some of the money back on this vacation, you might want to tell your husband. Or plan on being sick in bed the whole time.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

windysan

Tell the husband.

Timebuster

Make it three in a million. I c/t from a seven bag of dope a day habit. Made coming off of pain meds a cake walk.

Tell the husband. Or your going to have a vacation that you will never forget.

Ivan

Whydididothis

I am going to talk to him tonight, I dont think I have ever been this scared in my life. Oh I didn't say that the subs or methadone would make it too easy I said that this is going to be hard and I want it to be hard, if w/d was easy I would just quit now and be done but the chances of me using again I know would be a whole lot bigger. I am hoping after going threw this that it will definatley be stuck in my memory as something I dont wanna do again!

I hope that myhusband will understand, I mean think about it I would be mad at me if I were him after all of the lies and everything. I really dont know how he will react, only 1 way to find out I guess.

I cut my doses almost in half, I am only doing 1 at a time instead of 2 and I am making myself wait (other than morning, thats gonna be my hardest) in between doses at least 2 hrs. So I am doing a little better in case anyone was wondering.

skroomadoom

I think you might be underestimating how sick you are going to be if you go cold turkey off that kind of habit. Think about having the worst flu you've ever had in your whole life, coupled with terrible depression and anxiety as well as severe insomnia and you still probably aren't even close to how ****** it is going to be. I'm not trying to scare you off but you should know that you won't be able to be on vacation, at work, etc with only minor discomfort and nobody knowing but you. You will be pretty much incapacitated for 3-5 days. At this point, you're gonna have to tell your husband. Might as well get it over with.

As far as the vacation, unless you can get some subs or some pills and bring them with you (not suggesting it) I would not go, because if you c/t withdraw while you're on vacation not only are you going to be HATING life, you will probably make your husband miserable as well.

Dee74

Hi whydid

I think the consensus here is you're going to be pretty ill doing it your way.
The responsible thing to do is to see a doctor ASAP and get their advice. Getting your husband involved is also a wise move I think.

There's been a lot of medical advice on this thread about what you should do.

The fact is whydid - subs are not suitable for everyone, and only your doctor can make that personal assessment about what course of treatment may be best for you.

I remind everyone of rule ten

D