aloneinmyoffice

Hi everyone.

I'm a 39 yr old male who stumbled upon this site in my journey to recovery and staying clean for good.

Am I an addict? That's the million dollar question I ask myself. One may say I'm in denial since I'm not just shouting it out to the world or accepting the responsibility of my actions.

I always considered myself a recreational user of coke, I go months without any desire but when I do it I go off the deep end and binge. Not sure what my triggers are and I'm working on identifying them.

It was a bad weekend. My wife knew I was a recreational user (if there is such a thing), but I am, like everyone else, a different person when I'm high. Well after skating on thin ice my wife took the kids and left me and I don't blame her.

So here I am, day 4 clean no desire and plan on attending an NA/CA meeting to help in my recovery.

Thanks for listening.

scott

Welcome to SR! Glad you're here.

change4penny

Alone,
Hi, I'm a recovering opiate/crack/cocaine addict, 6 months clean. For the opiates, I'm on a Suboxone treatment program that help with the cravings for opiates and the withdrawls.
As for coke, I'm on my own with that. You become very mentally addicted to coke, I know I did for sure. I had snorted coke on and off for years. I did my first line at age 17.
But, two years ago I tried smoking it, (crack) for the first time, and THAT was the beginning of the end for me. One of the reasons I gave in and tried it, (even I though I swore I never would), was I'd already had one surgery...septoplasty...on my nose due to all the powder I'd snorted over the years, and it was giving me problems again, cause the surgery didn't stop me from using. It got me good after trying it after the third time...I was hooked.
I've been clean now for six months and I struggle with the coke more than the opiates as far as cravings. But, I know I can't go back there because I almost lost everything. And everything to me is my husband and my boys.
Anyway, welcome to SR, keep posting, You'll find a lot of support here.

Penny

aloneinmyoffice

Thanks for your reply Penny,

I've gone 10 years without doing it to 1 year of doing it on and off. I could go once a week to once every 3 months. My problem isn't the craving because I don't really crave it.

I think part of it is the ease of getting it. It's like ordering a pizza for delivery. Make a call and it's here in under 30 mins.

I would like to put my finger on what triggers my use, I'm just at a loss for why. I've read up on the dopamine levels in your brain causing a trigger which in theory could be one explanation.

I'm at the point where you could consider me a functioning coke user who has a great job, makes a ton of money but lost my family due to this and I'm hell bent on getting them back.

I don't make any excuses for my actions. I alone bear the burden of my actions. I love my wife and adore my children, I'm an idiot for what I've done to hurt them and our extended families.

Nothing sucks more to me then fielding calls from my sisters, my mother etc etc on what happened. If that's not sobering enough I don't know what is.

Again, many thanks for the reply. These boards offer me a way to vent, read stories of success and failures. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone on their journeys through recovery.

Sugah

Care to share your objections? Many people don't consider NA as a result of misconceptions. Perhaps we can help you resolve your objections and open this up as a resource for you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

aloneinmyoffice

OOOOPS... That was written incorrectly. I meant to say that as of Day 4 I have no desire to use. I plan on attending an NA/CA meeting

Sugah

Ah! Very good. The sooner, the better, IMO.

Although my active addiction included many different drugs, cocaine had the spotlight for about seven years. It's as cunning, baffling and powerful as any other. I found lasting recovery through the program of NA/AA.

Keep us updated.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Tish28

I hope that everything sorts itself out for you.
You could show this thread to your wife, it may help her to understand.
I don't know about coke, but I do know about the fight to get clean.I'm fighting every day- every minute of the day. It's sheer he** at times, but....the freedom that comes about of not using, is worth every second.
Take care, and fight for what you believe in.

aloneinmyoffice

Thanks for your kind words and support Tish. I think (pray) I caught myself before my life spun out of control. Nothing matters more to me than my wife and kids. I'd give anything to have them home right now. The house is so empty and so silent and I feel sick to my stomach for what I've done. I suppose the guilt has set in.

To make matters worse it was a lousy day at work, then I come to find out there is a problem with our tax return, and it's going to take the IRS up to 8 weeks to tell me what the problem is. It's just been a bad day.

Thanks again for your kind words.

change4penny

Hi Alone,
My use of coke was once like yours also. When I got married at the tender age of 18, my then husband used it on the weekends. When I got pregnant @ 22 with my son, I didn't use again until I divorced at 29. So I've also went long periods without using.
I hope that everything works out with your wife and kids. I also hope that you're done with this evil drug. It can rob you of everything you love. It truly is a 'Big white lie' and it will make you believe that you're invincible...that you can conquer the world, but all along, IT'S conquering you.
Good luck and you're in my prayers :praying

Penny

Stagebear

Hello, and welcome.

And, clearly you answered yourself in your original post.

Hmm...odds are if you've dabbled in recovery and found this site...well, maybe...just kinda...yes.

And I suspect that rarely do people "stumble" on this site...they fall head-long after Googling "I think I'm an Addict but Need Proof".

Oh, by the way, I'm Bear, a 52 year old (but everyone says I look younger hee hee hee) opiate addict. As I am among the grumpier of the denizens hereabouts, my post above could read as sarcastic. It is intended with the love only one addict can feel for another. I get your dilemma.

Hit a meeting. Stick around. We give a sh!t.

aloneinmyoffice

Hi Bear and thanks for replying. I read that you had surgery, I wish you a speedy recovery.

I'm not trying to fool myself nor anyone else and I'm not in denial but when I read up on cocaine addiction I don't seem to fit the 'definition'. I don't have cravings, never go through withdrawl, and my life doesn't revolve around using. When I wake up in the morning I never fixate on my next use. I think coffee (lol). As stated earlier I go months without using, during that timeframe I never think of it and it's always accessible 24 x 7, the number is (was) right in my cell contact list. Money isn't an issue, I do quite well for myself so it's not a lack of funds.

Then why do I use? I don't know. Stupidity would be my best guess.

You're right about Google and finding this forum, although my search query was different. I don't want this to offend anyone as it's not meant to, but after reading the stories of others on here with their addictions, it scares me and actually helps me NOT want to use. I suppose that's a good thing right? Isn't that what this site is all about? I'm not trying to exploit anyone's misfortune.

Thanks for caring!

christin1225

You know something, Alone, to read something like what you posted above actually helps me. Thank you. Sometimes I can feel so alone and pointless in my misery, it helps to know that someone may be reading what I post and be able to NOT do what I've done.

When I read about addiction, 95% of my life didn't really fit the definition and I couldn't see how my personality fit that of an addict. But, I discovered that the 5% of my life that does fit the definition, fits it 150% and that the "character defects" of most addicts were in me, just very cleverly disguised.

You may very well be only a recreational coke user who pushed the envelope just one too many times and lost his family as a result if you can put aside the coke, reconcile with your family, and go on to live a completely productive and happy life without using coke (or substituting anything else as an addiction ... be it drug, alcohol, behaviors).

Ironically, no one can really tell you whether or not you're an addict. The only one who can tell you is the one who most easily slips into denial and who subconsciously finds ways to cover his addiction. This will be a journey into self discovery, I'll assure you.

So, and welcome to SR. I have found this to be a great forum. There are many people who will help you in any way that they can. Please keep posting.

change4penny

Alone
I didn't fit the mold of your typical 'pill head', or 'coke head' either. I live in a nice home, drove a very nice car, always got my hair and nails done...Yeah, I stuck out like a sore thumb on the "wrong side of town"! For me, money wasn't a factor either.
I never suffered withdrawls when not using coke...Just the normal stuffy nose, and extreme fatigue from not sleeping for days.
So just because you've got money, and nice things and a job, doesn't make you exempt from being an addict. If using has caused you to lose what most important in life...like your wife and kids, then I'd say there's a problem. If you've got "the man's" number in your contact list, that's a problem, seeing how most people don't typically have a drug dealers number stored in there phone. Saying that you use just because it's 'accessible', is like me saying, "I shoot people everyday, because I have access to a gun".
What I'm trying to say is that, in my opinion, your use of cocaine has had a negative effect on your life, right? Your wife has left with the kids because of it!
There's no such thing as being a little bit addicted. You either are, or you're not. And whether or not you have 'things', does not made the difference. An addict is an addict...PERIOD. Take it from someone who knows!
I'm not trying to be hard on you, but the sooner you get honest, truly honest with yourself, the sooner you can begin to heal yourself and your life.

Penny....recovering opiate/cocaine addict, 6 months clean.

aloneinmyoffice

Penny, thanks for your honest tough opinion that's why I'm here.

I personally feel that I AM being honest with myself. I'm not trying to fool you, myself or anyone else.

I think everyone has their own story of using and it's unfair to take your story and compare it to mine because they're different. In some cases the end result may be the same but the stories are different none the less. I'm glad that you have come to terms with your addiction, and I commend your success at staying clean, but your story is far different than mine. You can't compare apples to oranges.

My wife left me because she was pissed off. We talk everyday and we're making progress on them coming home. We love each other very much and have work to do on our relationship and I'm committed to that and to her. She's my life and I'm a stronger person because of her.

I've never hidden this from my wife. In fact everytime I used she knew. It was ALWAYS done in the privacy of my own home, typically later at night and I'd just go out back and fish for hours.

I never did so much coke where I'd be up for days. It was always an amount where I knew I could eventually sleep and function the next day. I never was in the bad part of town searching for it and the guy that I got it from was actually a good friend that my wife used to work with. He was a close friend until he started dealing, hence the number in my cell.

I don't know if I believe in the term recreational user. Fishing, golfing, boating, camping are things I do for recreation. I think you either use or you don't.

change4penny

Alone,
Here are some quotes from your very first post here. "Am I an Addict?"..."I always considered myself a recreational user of coke"..."I'm a different person when I'm high"..."when I use, I go off the deep end and binge".
IMO, you're talking out of both sides of your mouth. If your wife knew every time you used,
then, why did she leave you, and why were you "skating on thin ice".
I believe you came to this site for advice, hence your first question, "Am I an addict?", but now that you and your wife are making 'progress', you're starting to back track.
People who have happy, normal lives don't usually use, or binge on cocaine...even recreational, to the point that their wives pick up their kids and leave. It had obviously gotten to a point to where your wife was sick and tired. If your wife is your life and makes you a stronger person, then what compelled you to keep using cocaine?
I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but you need to get real with yourself and your wife.
Use of any drug or alcohol that has a negative impact on your life or other lives, makes you an addict. You may be functioning, but you're still an addict.

By the way...My dealer made deliveries also, but even if I went to 'the bad side of town' to score, I still ALWAYS used in the comfort of my home...alone. Never in a 'party atmosphere'...always alone. That was the miserable self destructive addict in me.

Good luck to you and your family, and run, don't walk to an NA meeting.

Penny

SteppingItUp

aloneinmyoffice, in my own opinion, whatever you decide to call yourself or not call yourself at this point doesn't really matter that much right now. what really counts is that you make an honest assessment of your drug related behaviors and come to terms with the effect they've had on your life. that's where the answers lie.

determining the meaning of "recreational user" falls into the same thing. it's up to you to decide what that really means.

as an aside, i have also struggled with actually calling myself an addict. it's a big word. that doesn't mean that i'm not one. at the same time, i know that i found myself with an addiction. so technically...

that's why i'm here. i'm still pretty new to recovery, and i'm dealing with my issues as an addict. for me, that's what i've come to realize is best for me. it's what i actually need to start living my life differently.

rock bottom is not the same for everybody. i hit my own kind of rock bottom. i realized how much i had stopped living freely. i had given my power away. i wasted a lot of time and energy so that i could avoid what i shouldn't have felt the need to avoid. to me, those things were priceless. at the same time, i'm unbelievably lucky that i've been able to catch myself before i made the problem even bigger. from the outside, i live in a beautiful home, i have a loving partner, we have a great dog, we own our own business, we haven't fallen into irreparable financial ruin, i even modeled high, so i got away with that too. what matters, though, is what has been going on inside of me. my addiction has required me to seek change. i know that lots of people who have lost everything had what i have before their addiction took all of it away. because of my personal assessment, i'm not willing to take that risk anymore. that's my story. your story is yours alone. knowing what you desire to do about it is equally up to you.

i think you deserve credit for seeking answers related to your drug use, whatever it is, and i wish you luck in your reflective journey.

i just took a second to search for something i was reminded of from some of the NA literature, and i stumbled upon an NA document called "Am I an Addict?". i think you might find it helpful to take a look at what's said there. here's the link: http://www.na.org/admin/include/spaw.../IP/EN3107.pdf

Stagebear

Hi, there. this is the rest of the world on the line. We have a reality call for you...will you accept the charges?

I was wondering why you were here. After all, you have the answers, right?

It's in the comparisons that we we find the similarities, not the differences. And strength therein.

Oh, that we could only hear her side of that coin...

Oh, when the "always" and "never" words start flying, we have a good game going, don't we?

And then he became your drug dealer.

Who are you really fighting here, alone?

Shellslove

Are you an addict? Are you a recreational user? WHO THE EFF CARES how you spin it??? You've gotten to the point where your drug use has negatively affected your life, and it looks like it's about to go down the tubes if you don't do something about it right NOW. So quit worrying about labels, get over the definitions and talking about what you are...and throw yourself into recovery. You'll learn who you are there. Keep posting, get to a meeting, get to a support group, get to a doctor, get rid of coke....get your family and life back!

Hi, I'm Shells =)

SeekSobriety

Well let's put it this way, if using was working so well for us, chances are we would not ever once ask ourselves if we are an addict. Nor would we be searching google for recovery groups! I was in the same boat as you and while I will always hear people who had much more exciting and dangerous "using stories" then my own, I knew that I may have not been as much of an addict as the rest of them "YET".
If I would have given it some more time I too would have the lost houses, the smashed cars, the jail time and quite possibly be dead like so many of our dear freinds that could not get away from the drugs and let it take them to the very end.

So I would like to share that we are the lucky ones who are here today and able to share our successes and our struggles with each other as we take control of our lives and no longer need to be enslaved to a substance that can and possibly will help us lose everything we consider valuable to us, even our lives.

I wish you all the best in health and happiness!