Quitting Suboxone
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Quitting Suboxone
It's been a while since I've posted to the forum, probably 2013 or so, to be more precise. At that time, I was battling prescription pain pill addiction and had various levels of success with quitting.
The summer of 2014 I had a major relapse and ended up addicted to not only opiates, but I had managed to drag benzos into the equation with devastating results. I went to in-patient treatment in August, 2014 and a few months after I got out, I slowly started inching my way back "out there." It started with a beer to "celebrate" 60 days clean, and ended up with two weeks of gambling, drinking, cheating, and everything else you can imaging. There was a long period in between those two points where I tried to dabble, but as always for me, it lead right back to full-blown addiction and related behavior.
Summer of 2015 I spent about 2 weeks trying to destroy my life, my marriage, my business, my sanity . . . .luckily I was able to pull myself out of that relapse with only personal damage to contend with. I ended up on Suboxone in July, 2015, and, although it likely has kept me from doing anything else, I feel it is time to get rid of that crutch. I have had what I consider a spiritual awakening and I, along with my pastor and a good friend in recovery, have started a weekly ministry for addicts and alcoholics.
As for my suboxone history, I started out on 16 MG and after a few months, my wife started helping me taper. I was down to 2 MG per day as of the first of this year. I have weaned down to around .5 MG, although that amount does not completely make me feel comfortable. I took one last dose (and i have no more) yesterday, and today is my first day without any at all.
I am mainly looking to document my journey, but welcome any suggestions or support any of you may have. I will try to update at least daily to document what I am going through. I took my last dose yesterday morning (Thursday, 7/28), and it is now almost 1 P.M. on Friday the 29th, and I do not feel too bad mentally or physically. I will do this. No doubt in my mind!
The summer of 2014 I had a major relapse and ended up addicted to not only opiates, but I had managed to drag benzos into the equation with devastating results. I went to in-patient treatment in August, 2014 and a few months after I got out, I slowly started inching my way back "out there." It started with a beer to "celebrate" 60 days clean, and ended up with two weeks of gambling, drinking, cheating, and everything else you can imaging. There was a long period in between those two points where I tried to dabble, but as always for me, it lead right back to full-blown addiction and related behavior.
Summer of 2015 I spent about 2 weeks trying to destroy my life, my marriage, my business, my sanity . . . .luckily I was able to pull myself out of that relapse with only personal damage to contend with. I ended up on Suboxone in July, 2015, and, although it likely has kept me from doing anything else, I feel it is time to get rid of that crutch. I have had what I consider a spiritual awakening and I, along with my pastor and a good friend in recovery, have started a weekly ministry for addicts and alcoholics.
As for my suboxone history, I started out on 16 MG and after a few months, my wife started helping me taper. I was down to 2 MG per day as of the first of this year. I have weaned down to around .5 MG, although that amount does not completely make me feel comfortable. I took one last dose (and i have no more) yesterday, and today is my first day without any at all.
I am mainly looking to document my journey, but welcome any suggestions or support any of you may have. I will try to update at least daily to document what I am going through. I took my last dose yesterday morning (Thursday, 7/28), and it is now almost 1 P.M. on Friday the 29th, and I do not feel too bad mentally or physically. I will do this. No doubt in my mind!
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Congrats on making it this far. Sounds like quite a ride. You have the right attitude which is huge. For myself I came off booze, heroin (dozens of times literally), and methadone (been on sub before too). Yes physical discomfort sucks, but it was always the mental battle that got me. Like I said going into it with confidence and commitment was key for me. Accepting that it might be mentally uncomfortable at times. When I was in the midst of that mental battle reminding myself I am okay right where I am and reaching out for help. Once I was thoroughly convinced that I was not going to use a drink or a drug no matter what it made it much easier to accept and get passed. You WILL DO THIS!!! - no doubt in my mind either. :-)
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Thanks, Marcus! The mental aspect of withdrawal has always been my stumbling block, as well. Caused me to cave in and go back out so many times, I cannot remember them all. Not to mention the selective amnesia that I get when I have managed to get through the worst of it. As Bill Wilson wrote in the big book, and I paraphrase, it is amazing how at times we cannot bring to mind with sufficient force the suffering of just a few weeks or months ago. Insanity. Absolute insanity.
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48 hours in. Still feel much better mentally than I thought I would. Usual issues of body aches, tiredness, and a little bit of RLS last night. I'll be sitting through an all-day continuing education seminar today, so we'll see who good of spirits I'm in at the end of the day!!
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3 days/72 hours since my last dose. I can't believe how much the fog has lifted already. I was actually singing along with my radio and getting into the songs in my car yesterday on the trip home from class. I cannot remember the last time I did that without drugs or booze in my system. It was awesome!
Today I'm still feeling good mentally but it's like I have restless body syndrome rather than just restless legs. I don't remember going through this with hydro/oxy withdrawals, but it's not that bad really, and I'll take this over depression/anxiety any day. I'm going to take a warm bath and see if that helps.
My libido had started coming back once I tapered down below 2 mg, but it's back with a vengeance now! I feel like a pubescent teenager. Not a bad symptom, but hopefully it will level out in the coming days...
Overall I'm very pleasantly surprised by how mild this withdrawal is so far. I tried to quit before at about 1.5 mg or so and it was much worse than this. I guess for me, tapering down even further was the right move.
Today I'm still feeling good mentally but it's like I have restless body syndrome rather than just restless legs. I don't remember going through this with hydro/oxy withdrawals, but it's not that bad really, and I'll take this over depression/anxiety any day. I'm going to take a warm bath and see if that helps.
My libido had started coming back once I tapered down below 2 mg, but it's back with a vengeance now! I feel like a pubescent teenager. Not a bad symptom, but hopefully it will level out in the coming days...
Overall I'm very pleasantly surprised by how mild this withdrawal is so far. I tried to quit before at about 1.5 mg or so and it was much worse than this. I guess for me, tapering down even further was the right move.
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I hit a wall late this morning and I've struggled to keep going forward today. It's like it takes so much effort just to get up and move from one place to another. That is affecting my mental state more today than it did yesterday. Not so much experiencing depression as much as just being frustrated that I have no more drive or motivation than I do. But I will keep moving forward!
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Well, another day in the books free of booze, pills, and all other mind altering substances. Although I have absolutely no energy--going up a couple steps gives me out--I am more determined now to never spend another minute in a doctors office or pharmacy waiting on my "fix"! It's kind of liberating to think about being free...like I've been tethered to substances for 5 years, and I'm just around the corner from freedom!
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I awoke this morning to my usual aches and pains, which I've been having whether I am taking suboxone or not. I had a car wreck about 5 years ago that aggravated pre-existing back problems and lead me down the path of pain killers. Now I am not blaming my doctors for my addiction, I gamed the system masterfully. I was the sympathetic professional who just wanted to feel good enough to play with his kids on the weekend. Which was partly true but more B.S. than truth . The real truth is that I wanted to keep the party going round-the-clock, with no apparent repercussions.
Prior to the accident, I had been a beer guy. I would drink three to four times per week. During the weeknights, I would usually limit my consumption to 6-8 16 oz. beers, which is about 8 to 10 regular servings of alcohol. On the weekends, (and even sometimes beginning on Thursdays), all bets were off. I was going to drink at least one night like I wanted to drink. Bottomless cooler. Sometimes out with the "boys", sometimes at home around the grill. Didn't matter, when I set out on a drinking escapade on the weekends, the only thing that stopped me was running out or passing out.
Now, there was always hell to pay for drinking like I did. Even on the nights when I drank relatively lightly, I woke up feeling horrible the next morning. Had I ever thought to take some "hair of the dog", then my drinking may have progressed much more rapidly than it did. It was progressing rapidly enough as it were, and it was likely just a matter of time before I started having a cocktail in the morning to "steady my nerves." But, alas, I found pain pills, and they seemed to have all of the advantages of alcohol without any of the negatives. You could feel absolutely wonderful without appearing "drunk," without reeking of alcohol on your breath and clothes, and without the dreaded hangover. It was the perfect drug. Until it wasn't.
After the very first prescription ran out, I was in withdrawals. I did not immediately realize what was happening, why I was feeling so poorly. I tried to get my refill early and learned, much to my dismay, that you cannot refill more than a few days early (I was trying to refill about two weeks early). I walked out of that pharmacy with a feeling of half dread and half pride, for lack of a better word. I was dreading this feeling that I was going through, the body aches, the slight depression, the runny nose and eyes, the lack of energy, but I was also somewhat amused that I was "in the club" of chic, celebrity, opiate addicts. It doesn't make sense to me in hindsight that I could have had any pride in what I was going through, but I recall leaving the pharmacy and going to a restaurant to eat. While I was sitting there eating, I was contemplating my plans regarding my future pain pill usage. Should I just trudge through what I was feeling and not get the refill? Or would I return in 7 or 10 days when I could legally refill?
By the time I was able to get my first refill, I was largely through my withdrawals. If I had cut my losses right then and there, I may be in a much different position right now. I may have never needed to go on suboxone, I may have not needed to go through rehab two years ago. But then again, I may have returned to drinking, and I suspect my drinking would have progressed much further before I would have ever admitted that I needed help. At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do about the past, only the present.
Any way, as for how I feel now . . . . I feel horrible, but I am trudging on. My entire body aches and I have no energy. Even my mental state has deteriorated somewhat from where I was at yesterday afternoon. I guess I misjudged where the peak was going to be. I had always heard that the peak physicals symptoms were around the 72 hour mark, and that was yesterday, but I am feeling worse today than I did yesterday. But even that is nothing to complain about because I do not feel as bad as I have felt during some of my more intense opiate withdrawals.
I did manage to get a full night's sleep last night although I woke up several times with aching legs (I put a heating pad between my lower legs, and that helped). I can recall opiate withdrawals from the past where I was up all night for several nights listening to and reading about Alice in Chains and the death of Layne Staley. I was obsessed. But I digress. My point is, I realize it could be much worse. I am in misery, but I know I can make it. I've made it before under much worse circumstances, worse withdrawals. Others have made it under much worse circumstances than what I have. I am blessed, really.
Prior to the accident, I had been a beer guy. I would drink three to four times per week. During the weeknights, I would usually limit my consumption to 6-8 16 oz. beers, which is about 8 to 10 regular servings of alcohol. On the weekends, (and even sometimes beginning on Thursdays), all bets were off. I was going to drink at least one night like I wanted to drink. Bottomless cooler. Sometimes out with the "boys", sometimes at home around the grill. Didn't matter, when I set out on a drinking escapade on the weekends, the only thing that stopped me was running out or passing out.
Now, there was always hell to pay for drinking like I did. Even on the nights when I drank relatively lightly, I woke up feeling horrible the next morning. Had I ever thought to take some "hair of the dog", then my drinking may have progressed much more rapidly than it did. It was progressing rapidly enough as it were, and it was likely just a matter of time before I started having a cocktail in the morning to "steady my nerves." But, alas, I found pain pills, and they seemed to have all of the advantages of alcohol without any of the negatives. You could feel absolutely wonderful without appearing "drunk," without reeking of alcohol on your breath and clothes, and without the dreaded hangover. It was the perfect drug. Until it wasn't.
After the very first prescription ran out, I was in withdrawals. I did not immediately realize what was happening, why I was feeling so poorly. I tried to get my refill early and learned, much to my dismay, that you cannot refill more than a few days early (I was trying to refill about two weeks early). I walked out of that pharmacy with a feeling of half dread and half pride, for lack of a better word. I was dreading this feeling that I was going through, the body aches, the slight depression, the runny nose and eyes, the lack of energy, but I was also somewhat amused that I was "in the club" of chic, celebrity, opiate addicts. It doesn't make sense to me in hindsight that I could have had any pride in what I was going through, but I recall leaving the pharmacy and going to a restaurant to eat. While I was sitting there eating, I was contemplating my plans regarding my future pain pill usage. Should I just trudge through what I was feeling and not get the refill? Or would I return in 7 or 10 days when I could legally refill?
By the time I was able to get my first refill, I was largely through my withdrawals. If I had cut my losses right then and there, I may be in a much different position right now. I may have never needed to go on suboxone, I may have not needed to go through rehab two years ago. But then again, I may have returned to drinking, and I suspect my drinking would have progressed much further before I would have ever admitted that I needed help. At the end of the day, there is nothing I can do about the past, only the present.
Any way, as for how I feel now . . . . I feel horrible, but I am trudging on. My entire body aches and I have no energy. Even my mental state has deteriorated somewhat from where I was at yesterday afternoon. I guess I misjudged where the peak was going to be. I had always heard that the peak physicals symptoms were around the 72 hour mark, and that was yesterday, but I am feeling worse today than I did yesterday. But even that is nothing to complain about because I do not feel as bad as I have felt during some of my more intense opiate withdrawals.
I did manage to get a full night's sleep last night although I woke up several times with aching legs (I put a heating pad between my lower legs, and that helped). I can recall opiate withdrawals from the past where I was up all night for several nights listening to and reading about Alice in Chains and the death of Layne Staley. I was obsessed. But I digress. My point is, I realize it could be much worse. I am in misery, but I know I can make it. I've made it before under much worse circumstances, worse withdrawals. Others have made it under much worse circumstances than what I have. I am blessed, really.
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Day 5
Working on day 5! Feeling ok other than still feeling extremely tired. Had worst night of sleep last night but I did manage a good 4 or 5 hours.
I walked about a mile and half yesterday afternoon, and that took everything I had. Far cry from competing in an ironman 2 years ago, but I'll get back there. Baby steps right now. Just gotta make it through today.
I walked about a mile and half yesterday afternoon, and that took everything I had. Far cry from competing in an ironman 2 years ago, but I'll get back there. Baby steps right now. Just gotta make it through today.
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My morning devotion was about psalms and how the Bible is made up of Gods word to us and in turn, books like psalms, which is man's words, psalms and hymns in praise to God. The lesson from the devotion was how we should try to keep God close to us, always keeping in mind that he is here with us always. After that devotion I prayed that He might keep me close to him and that He would keep giving me signs that He is with me. When I finished my prayer, I looked up, and there they were.
My wife loves to paint. She's not an expert painter, but she goes to these classes where everyone follows the instructor's lead and paints a similar picture. She's probably got 15 to 20 of those, and many of them are spread around the windowsills in my home office, which is where I did my devotion this morning.
When I looked up and saw all of her paintings after I said amen, I knew that was God's sign that He is with me. I've never really appreciated her paintings before, but at that moment I spent a good 5 to 10 minutes studying every stroke and every line in those paintings, appreciating all the beauty that they represented from inside her mind.
You see, if it were not for my wife, I would probably not be alive right now. I would've long ago ended up a junkie or alcoholic on the street. Brought all the more front and center today as we took our two young children for a boating expedition at the river with two of our friends, as a last hooray before school starts tomorrow. At one point, my buddy reached down in the cooler and pulled out a 16 ounce Bud Light, and as bad as I felt at the time, I don't know that I could've turn it down if my wife had not been with me.
I did not connect the two experiences until just now. She is my angel. She is God's presence in my life (among the many other ways He reveals Himself to me).
My wife loves to paint. She's not an expert painter, but she goes to these classes where everyone follows the instructor's lead and paints a similar picture. She's probably got 15 to 20 of those, and many of them are spread around the windowsills in my home office, which is where I did my devotion this morning.
When I looked up and saw all of her paintings after I said amen, I knew that was God's sign that He is with me. I've never really appreciated her paintings before, but at that moment I spent a good 5 to 10 minutes studying every stroke and every line in those paintings, appreciating all the beauty that they represented from inside her mind.
You see, if it were not for my wife, I would probably not be alive right now. I would've long ago ended up a junkie or alcoholic on the street. Brought all the more front and center today as we took our two young children for a boating expedition at the river with two of our friends, as a last hooray before school starts tomorrow. At one point, my buddy reached down in the cooler and pulled out a 16 ounce Bud Light, and as bad as I felt at the time, I don't know that I could've turn it down if my wife had not been with me.
I did not connect the two experiences until just now. She is my angel. She is God's presence in my life (among the many other ways He reveals Himself to me).
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Day 6
I slept pretty good last night and I woke up feeling ok. Got up and helped get the kids ready for their first day of school. I was tired doing that, but not completely sure it wasn't just me being groggy from getting up so early.
I'm hesitant to place any judgments on how I feel right now because I know it can and will probably change as I go through my morning. Whatever happens, I know I can make it. I'll ipdate later today.
I'm hesitant to place any judgments on how I feel right now because I know it can and will probably change as I go through my morning. Whatever happens, I know I can make it. I'll ipdate later today.
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I feel like I am hitting another wall. Physically I am feeling better each day, but it seems that my mental state is going in the opposite direction. I really don't like making a negative post, but it is how I feel right now. I feel as though I am on the verge of caving in. Really trying to stay positive, but I don't know if I can. It's not day to day right now, it is minute to minute, and at times second to second. Like a bull rider trying to hold on for 8 seconds . . . but imagine that bullrider being asked to hold on for 2 weeks or longer. That is what this is like.
I'm hoping and praying things get better today. I really need to get some work done after taking off yesterday. But at times, it takes everything I have not to do something foolish, and trying to do something productive in the face of that mindset is hard, to say the least.
I'm hoping and praying things get better today. I really need to get some work done after taking off yesterday. But at times, it takes everything I have not to do something foolish, and trying to do something productive in the face of that mindset is hard, to say the least.
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Thanks for being honest. Yes there are going to be struggles. I relapsed again and again and again for similar reasons. I would start feeling uncomfortable (mentally) or having thoughts that really were not based in reality. Creating situations in my mind that didn't really exist or making assumptions about things. I would feel like it was not going to go away or I just couldn't take it in that moment and then say F*CK IT and go get drunk or high. It is not easy accepting thoughts and feelings as just that - thoughts and feelings. They often do not require an action and definitely NOT a negative action. Accept them as a thought or a feeling and that you are going to have these. Using again will absolutely positively make things worse in the long run. Stop running for the temporary solution - you deserve better than that and to truly be happy and humble. You may not believe me that IT WILL GET BETTER and THIS TOO SHALL PASS if you can hold on. I would try to get to some meetings or therapist or church or wherever it is that you feel comfortable talking about it. Just don't use NO MATTER WHAT. It has been working for me for over 4 1/2 years and I was using hundreds of dollars of H IV daily (although quantity doesn't matter of course). Stick it out - get up and move - take a nap - whatever it takes to get out of the thoughts.
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Thanks again, Marcus, for your encouraging and true words. No doubt that I am extremely uncomfortable and my mind and body are screaming to find some way to make it all better, NOW!
Feeling a little better, but I am determined to stay the course no matter how badly I feel, mentally or physically. It's gotta be done . . . enough kicking the can down the road.
Feeling a little better, but I am determined to stay the course no matter how badly I feel, mentally or physically. It's gotta be done . . . enough kicking the can down the road.
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Another day in the books. I wish I felt like a victory has been won, but I am short on hope at the moment. Plus I'm extremely ill tempered right now, like I'm mad at the world. I know I did this to myself so I cannot justify that feeling, but there it is.
Logically I know that this will pass, and I'll wake up one morning and feel good, and the next day a little better, but part of me can't accept that. Part of me believes I'll always be miserable. I've got to quit thinking so much.....
Logically I know that this will pass, and I'll wake up one morning and feel good, and the next day a little better, but part of me can't accept that. Part of me believes I'll always be miserable. I've got to quit thinking so much.....
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Day 7
Still here, still fighting the good fight. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically drained right now. I think I may have slept 3 hours last night after tossing and turning most of the night. But I will fight through.
In spite of how I feel, I think I may have turned the corner. I don't really know why, but I just have a sense that I'm over the hump. We will see...
In spite of how I feel, I think I may have turned the corner. I don't really know why, but I just have a sense that I'm over the hump. We will see...
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Day 8
Feeling a lot better so far today! My restless leg issues were all but nonexistent last night, and I ended up with a good night's rest. Hoping the rest of the day goes as well, or perhaps, even better.
I
I
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Good for you! Some days feel like an endurance test and others are just easy. Hey I still feel that way sometimes, but drugs and alcohol are NOT a solution and my mind doesn't try to go there (way too much experience with that solution). Have to find healthier ways to deal with my insanity. Have a good day :-)
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Keep going bud- I'm in similar boat right now and liked reading your post- I started subs off and on in 2010 to now and I've finally got it to a tiny dose w 2 days between and starting today now 3 days between. Will prolly try this for 2-3 weeks and then try and jump off! Same thing- don't want to be a slave to a substance anymore/mental state better/nothing but sub the last 2 years/ working the program etc. God bless
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Day 9
Thanks Marcus! And Zephyr, I had originally planned to skip days in my taper schedule, but I couldn't make myself do it. Sounds like you are committed to getting off the subs...keep it up!
Yesterday was a really good day for me; however, I tossed and turned most of the night and ended up in the bath tub at 3am trying to soothe the RLS which returned with a vengeance. Managed about 2 maybe 3 hours of labored sleep.
Consequently, today is not going well. My back and legs are hurting pretty badly and I am exhausted. I've had to be on the move all day with kids practice, church band practice, and we are playing a few songs tonight. I am going to try and get a short nap in before I have to go get ready to play. I'll try to update again tonight if I'm not too tired.
Yesterday was a really good day for me; however, I tossed and turned most of the night and ended up in the bath tub at 3am trying to soothe the RLS which returned with a vengeance. Managed about 2 maybe 3 hours of labored sleep.
Consequently, today is not going well. My back and legs are hurting pretty badly and I am exhausted. I've had to be on the move all day with kids practice, church band practice, and we are playing a few songs tonight. I am going to try and get a short nap in before I have to go get ready to play. I'll try to update again tonight if I'm not too tired.
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