kmackenzie

Hello all,
First of all, thank you for any advice or support you may offer. A little bit about myself. I am 27 years old, I am currently serving in the U.S. Marine Corps. I have been in since 2006. Before i joined i was a recreational opiate user. In May of 2009 i came home from Iraq with a lot of issues. The first night i was back i found out that my fiance had cheated on me with my best friend and it was the first time i ever used roxys to bury my emotions. I used the cheating and the deployment as an excuse to use for a long time. eventually leading to shooting roxys and dilaudids everyday. I went on 2 more deployments since then and was clean each time for 7 months while i was overseas. But in between deployments i always went back to shooting. my last deployment to afghanistan brought 14 days or so of very bad withdrawls as you can imagine. I was determined to stay clean. But this disease had its hooks in too deep and i was not ready to quit. after about 4 months back i decided to self refer to a treatment center and quit once and for all. that was in november of 2011. I did very good for a while using suboxen to stay away from street drugs. however i relapse again and i am activley using between 10 and 40 mgs of dilaudid intrevenously everyday now. I dont want to live like this, i really dont. I have prayed and talked about options with friends who dont use and I dont know what to do. I have tried to quit cold turkey several times all ending with me not being able to weather the horrible withdrawls we know so well. I am going to set an appointment with the local clinic for next tuesday. I have to decide weather i will get on suboxone or methadone. I am convinced that i will not make it with suboxen and that i need to be on methadone. its hard to explain but i think some people will understand that even though i truly do not want to use again suboxen will not be enough for me. Am i stupid? i feel very ashamed that i am considering getting on methadone for no other reason than it will give me more stability and i will also not crave dilaudid because of the effects of the methadone. Am i stupid? Does it sound like i am making excuses? I genuinly want to stop using dilaudid and roxys but i dont know what else to do at this point. Thanks for anything you might be able to offer.
Kev

Dee74

Hi

I wanted to welcome you to SR

I think you should have discussions with the Drs at the clinics - they'll assess you and presumably make recommendations one way or the other.

I'd at listen to the experts and at least hear what they suggest for your particular case.

D

newby1961

Welcome KM,

I want to start off by saying I have no advice on which you should do but do agree 100% w/Dee. That is what Dr's are for among other things.
What I wanted to address was the question you asked of being stupid? This is a deadly disease and when it grabs us it takes many of us to the pits of hell. Being stupid has nothing to do with it. Right now your head is just sending you lots of negative messages try not to listen to them.
Have you ever tried going to a NA meeting or an AA one? I am not saying it works for everyone but I know it has worked for lots of people I know.
So NO you are not stupid, you have a disease called addiction, and you need medical help.
Which ever route you choose remember SR is a great source of help for many of us. There is a whole lot of support from others. Maybe check out some of the other threads. I frequent the grat ones and my all time favorite is the Whiners Anonymous great bunch of people.
Hope all works out for you and remember

orcoast

THANKS for your service to our country!!!!!!!!!!!

My husband is a veteran , too....

AND welcome.
Im sorry you have struggled with the monster we all know, addiction.
and You ARE NOT stupid. I know sometimes addiction makes us feel that way.
I agree with the posts above, that you should talk things over with your doctor(s)
they should be able to point you in the right direction, only you and them know what can help you.
the important part is what your doin already, ASKING for help!!!
So congrats on that part!!!
and thanks agian for your service!
hope to 'see' ya around!!!!

kmackenzie

Thank you all for your advice. When i said "Am I stupid?" I was more so talking about the decision to switch to methadone knowing full and well where that could possibly take me. I would like to give suboxone another chance, I really would. But I dont know how many times I have left of going back out on the streets and using if the sub were to not work again. The next time may land me somewhere where i really dont want to be. But i will definitly sit down with the docs and see what they think and then make a well educated choice. For now im just getting through the next 3 days till intake on wensday morning. Thanks again for the help and I will keep you guys posted on my decision and progress thereafter.

Semper Fi "Always Faithful"
Kev

RallySportin

I got an OTH discharge from the Navy this past summer for falling back into an old opiate addiction after losing my only sibling & my best friend while I was stationed in Charleston, SC. I was going downtown and getting heroin, or even having dealers bringing it to base, as there are certain parts in base housing where there are no gates. Although neither of those losses were related to the military, it was my way of dealing with it, and i didn't go to the brig or anything, but there were definitely consequences.. Since i got discharged i was unemployed for several months, relapsed briefly again then stopped, basically just due monetary issues, but it gave me a long time to just look at how the addiction had affected my professional life and future in a real-world way.. Ive been clean now for 9 months, the longest Ive been clean in 8 years. Because now i actually want to live a real life, and not numb things.. Whatever they want to call it, rock bottom can only be defined by you. And your not gonna get better until you want to change. In my opinion after years of abuse, being on methadone or suboxone isn't a change.. Its the same damn thing, with a false sense that its OK, cause its prescribed. That's not true. You have to want to be free from the binds of opiate addiction. But good luck to you bro, hope you figure out what you want..

RallySportin

when you self referred did you go to NAS Jax by any chance?

orcoast

I think its a pretty unfair, uneduacated statement to say
"Whether being on methadone or suboxone isnt a change, its the same damn thing"

I was being PERSCRIBED diludad, 8s, twice a day, and oxy 30s, for 'breakthru' pain. that, in my opinion, is NOT ok, but my addict brain thought it was ok, and ok to IV them. and ok to run out, and 'make' money to buy more.

suboxone, does NOT get me high. I work construction, ten hours a day, 6 days a week.
Ive had two car accidents (not my fault) and already have arthritus, a few other pain issues as well. suboxone helps my pain, without giving my brain the 'high' it likes.
when I first took it, i wont lie to you, i TRIED to abuse it. I took more than perscribed. I FELT NO DIFFERENT. NOTHING.....

ITS NOT THE SAME
Im almost a YEAR on sub. after TEN YEARS of active addiction. that addiction stole everything away from me. everything.
So at 30 yrs old I started over. with the help of sub. I go to therapy every week, and a support group.

clearly, you are misinformed, or something. I mean no offense, it was just a statement that was offense to me.
Im home every night, with my son. I do everything 'by the book' nowadays and it feels great.
how could you say im the same person???????????

Marcus

Everyone has different experiences and Opiate Replace Therapy is always going to be a controversial topic. While I was a bit taken aback by Rally's comment of Sub and Done being "the same dame thing" he did say "in my opinion". So that is his experience and I can't fault him for that (maybe it could have been worded a bit differently, but hey addiction is an emotional subject). Orcoast so glad Sub is working for you.

I think both sides of the argument are important. People should be as informed as possible before chosing ORT. I do understand the feeling of having to defend yourself for doing it and that does get old. Opiate Replacement has saved many people from the hell that is active addiction, but there are others who just weren't ready and it might have made things worse. That is why it is important to do your homework and talk to professionals before starting or stopping such a program.

RallySportin

I am sorry if my post was flagrant, but to orcoast, your situation is different than the OP, and my response wasn't directed towards you. You are actually using the suboxone for pain management, and I'm all for you if that's what works. The OP stated that he was a recreational user before, and his addiction stems from that. And Marcus is right, people have different opinions. When I said it's the same thing, I was talking about the chemical addiction being the same. Yes, there might be a lifestyle change, and people can function well on a maintenance program, but its just that, maintaining the addiction. But its all a matter of opinions, this site is about being sober, and in my mind that means being free from chemical binds.

Dee74

The rules of this subforum are pretty clear:
D

kmackenzie

once in jax and again in savannah, ga

kmackenzie

Hey, everybody. Just checkin' in. It has been about 2 months since my first day at the clinic. I did just as everyone had recommended and listened to what the doc's had to say and made an educated decision as to what would be the best option for me. The doc's definitly recommended Suboxone as they did the first time I went years ago and failed. And I really did consider it for quite a while. But in the end I decided to go with Methadone. I am currently on 50 Mg's a day. Generally very early in the morning as Military life starts before the rest of the world does. I Have very little cravings, no withdrawal whatsoever. No relapses and I continue going to meetings when that stinkin' thinkin creeps into my head.

I will be leaving South Carolina to move back to Michigan at the end of this month and I am a little nervous about that. I also have to find a new carreer, possibly go to school and reunite with freinds and family that I have not seen in years. So my goal is to be completely off of methadone by Jan 1 2013! Wish me luck folks, and again, bless you all for your support!!!

Kevin