My Story
 

A friend of mine inspired me to write about my recovery....

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mkswonders...

“It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely.”

Leo F. Buscaglia
1924-1998

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october 27, 1997...
it was my idea to go to that specific bar that honduran monday night...
called "chicas malas"...
my father in law was gun shot...
my friend victor put his life in front of me to stop me from being shot...
he was shot and died as a result...
left a family behind...
almost every time i see his dear wife we cry together...
forever in my memory...
what could i have done to prevent his death...
since victor yelled out to me the two gumen were his uncle and cousin...
i hestitated...
holding a 357 magnum with hollow points...
my hesitation killed my friend...
me taking my friend and family to the most dangerous bar in catacamas killed my friend...
almost killed my wifes' dad...
i took five bullets...
almost made my children orphans...
my wife a widow...
mks...
we all have ways of dealing with our past...

in 12 step programs we have no shame in sharing our stories everyday...
my stories in general are not for you mks...
those who identify will hear my words...
my mission is to speak to those who have been where i have been and lived to talk about it...
to hear the one word that they can hold on to...
it is my duty to many to share my story...
in reality the closest i came to death was at my own hands...
something i have never shared...
the close to death episode you read above had nothing to do with me being shot...

on july 22, 2000, at 6AM, i was in trouble...
after consuming an eight ball of coke...
and over 25 beers...
sitting in my 4X4...
on the streets of catacamas, honduras...
i was in physical trouble...
it was not the first time...
my first doctor friend turned me away...
said he was tired of my flirts with death...
another doctor friend hector...
gave me a fifty fifty chance to live...
after injecting me with all he could to stop me from going into respiratory failure...
he said my life was in the hands of my maker...
from there hector took me to a missionary clinic...
i will never forget the look dr. amanda gave me...
she told me it was not possible to tame a rebel...
i said...
today i surrender...

against clinic protocols' i was given a bed...
i made it thrugh the first night...
i will never forget the sounds of the birds singing...
and the lone chicken crowing that july 23 morning...
to feel the sunlight burst through the window when i opened it...
i cried everyday...
i stayed there 10 weeks...
my best patuca soldier came to the clinic to take me out..
said i looked liked a joke dressed in a brown shirt...
brown shorts that did not fit...
and flip flops...
far from the man in black attire...
i told tony i was done...
perhaps to the world i looked like a wimp...
but inside i knew i had a new beginning...
i told tony to go home...
i fought severe panic attacks for weeks...
on my knees i asked God if it was his wish to take me to take me...
for many times had asked Him for another chance...
only later to slap His face in disgrace...
at the clinic i learned i was to have a son...
on my knees i begged my wife for forgiveness...

the moment of death i talk about is when one night my blood pressure and heart rate raced above 200...
the young man who was the night nurse looked at me with tears and said there was nothing he could do...
i was calm...
i said i had no one to blame but myself...
the patucawarrior...
the "aguila negra"...
survivor of fantastic jungle adventures was going down in a rehab clinic...
not in a gun fight...
not in a jungle rain storm...
not by a river gator...
not saving the people...
i hated what i had done to my name...
to the patuca people...
i hated how i was going to be remembered...
i hated as to how my wife and children were going to be treated...
when i thought i was going to die sitting at that desk...
propranolol that was sent to the clinic by taxi arrived...
i will always thank carmen....
15 minutes after taking the pill my bp and heart rate began to go down...
doctor amanda arrived with another doctor....
they said the worst was over for that night...

is there life after death...
yes there is mks...
can one...
no matter what wreakage they have in their past...
can one change their destiny...
yes they can...

the best job i could find with the same missionary group in atlanta, georgia, 2001, was yard cleaning...
odd jobs...
since my final patucawarrior days were in a rehab clinic many assumed i would relapse...
i was a marked man...
my glory days of gold hunting...
sleeping on jungle river banks....
fighting for the rights of Campesinos' and Indigenous people..
leading US choppers to landing zones...
with tons of aid...
meant nothing...
no one wanted to take a chance on me...
since deep in my gut i understood i had to deal with the wrath i had created at my own hands...
i stood in line to get food stamps to feed my family...
i chose to be greatful for the good the missionary group did for me in honduras...

believing in myself...
i left atlanta behind...
forged with a vengeance in to start my construction company in washington dc...
in march of 2002 i started pushing a broom in georgetown, dc...
at 8 dollars an hour...
left food stamps behind...
not forgetting for a moment what had brought me to this point in my life...
in june of 2003 i went to baltimore, md, to get my construction license...
through my self destruction in honduras i did manage to help the patuca people after mitch...
i guess God never forgot as well...
five years since i walked into the small rehab clinic in catacamas, honduras...
i have a company with 1.5 million dollars of contracts for 2005...
still clean and sober...
still thank God twice a day...

life can be beautiful mks...
to those who are in doubt at this moment with their vices'...
i say you must believe life can be different...
forget the vice brand people place on your forehead...
dig deep...
believe you want to change...
change for you...
not for God, family, or friends...
your new beginning must begin with you...
let the status quo believe what they want to believe...
just do not let them make you believe what they think about you as true...
one foot in front of the other...
day after day...
fight the darkness to bring you back...
embrace the Great Spirit...
He will lead you away from the dragons...
paz.

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