j'ade d'arcy

My name is Lee and I am an alcoholic.

I have been struggling with addiction and related problems for the majority of my life. I was raised in an severly dysfunctional alcoholic home with two siblings. It wasn't the best life, but I don't want to come across as blaming my problems on my parents either. Unfortunatly there was an extreme amount of verbal and mental abuse in our household. My parents did not physically abuse us kids, but I have to admit that as a teenager, I abused my parents (especially my mother) and my sisters physically. All in all, it was not the ideal home life for any of us.

My alcoholism began when I was around thirteen. I believe now that I was addicted from the first drunk. I couldn't get enough throughout my teenage years and was constantly in trouble with the parents, law etc. Got my first DUI when I was fifteen. Also attended my first AA meeting at fifteen, but at the time did not think that it was possible for a teenager to be an alcoholic. Between the ages of thirteen and eighteen, I was the party star. Or so I thought. Partied so hard that I never finished high school, even though I was intelligent enough to have gone on to university. School was never much of a priority during those days, my priorities were drinking, drugs and more more more.

Moved out of my parents home at seventeen, took care of my terminally ill grandfather til he died and then married at nineteen. Even though all the signs were there at the time, I married an abuser. Was in the marriage for four long years of abuse and personal hell. I still carry the physical scars of abuse from him and at the time, the only thing that I thought was getting me through day to day was the booze. I used it to numb myself and I embraced the denial that I had a problem. There was too much going on to try to deal with my ever increasing consumption of alcohol.

Finally left him one night and was a couch surfer for about a year. Then met another alcoholic and proceeded to drink away the next two years of my life with him. In my mind he was the perfect guy, didn't hit me, didn't sleep around, just wanted to drink drink drink. Which at the time was all that I wanted to do as well. During that time, I received my second DUI, this one as an adult. In that incident, I also almost lost my eye. Crashed the car and was out of commission for about two months with severe facial trauma. Thankfully, I was the only person injured. Still didn't realize it was time to quit.

That relationship petered out and I met my current partner who I have been with for almost eight years now. I'm not sure why he has chosen to stay with me as the past eight years has been a series of bottom after bottom. My drinking spiraled out of hand and my life was just a chaos ridden nightmare. Injuries, arrests, drunk tanks, hospitalizations, job loss, you name it, it's happened it seems. I always had someone or something else to blame, never wanted to look in the mirror and have to realize that all the chaos and crises was self created. Every time I picked up it got worse.

About two years ago, I contacted the Alcoholics Foundation of Manitoba and got myself assessed. Obviously I was an alcoholic, but I wanted a professional opinion. I think in my sick way of thinking I was hoping they would tell me that I wasn't and to just decrease my consumption. LOL. Started with an individual counsellor and was seeing her weekly, but I was very resistant to going to rehab. I used all the excuses in the book to not go. I was too busy with work, I didn't want anyone to know, I was too shy, I was scared of others, blah blah blah. The truth is that I wasn't ready to stop drinking.

After a very traumatic experience in which I almost died in the hospital from alcohol overdose, I started to take things a little more seriously. But I still kept on with the boozing. Until I woke up one morning, in a strange house. I'm pretty sure that I was raped that night. Crawled home and called my counsellor. She advised me to go straight to the hospital and admit myself for detox. I did. Spent two weeks in there. I have high blood pressure and it complicated the detox process. I don't even want to say how high it was both the overdose time and the detox time. It scares me to think how close to death I have come. During my detox stay, I made arrangements to enter rehab.

After exiting detox and before entering rehab, I spent two nights in the local drunk tank. I still couldn't call it quits. This was my lowest point, when I realized how tight of a grip this affliction had on me. I felt so compelled to drink that it was like I had another entity in possession of my body. I came very close to killing myself.

Rehab was the smartest thing that I ever did for myself. It gave me a chance to put the rest of my life on hold and live in a structured environment with people that I could not manipulate. They have seen it all. I left my job on leave of absence, spoke with all my bill collectors and got a slight grace period and did what I had to do to sober up.

This is what I did to get sober.
I went to AA, I continued with my counsellor, I put all my friendships on hold, I established a no tolerance rule in my home regarding alcohol. I told everyone that is in my life that I am an alcoholic and that I was trying to stop. I explained the illness to those that didn't understand, I also explained my typical drinking behaviour and they agreed to question me if necessary. I stayed out of slippery places and avoided old routines that always led me to drinking. I started eating again. I made a schedule and I stuck to it. I tried my hardest to be responsible with my money. I got a computer and became a member here at SR. I agree to myself every morning that I will not drink for that day and then I follow through.

I am now a little over a year sober, and this is the best that I have ever felt. I don't want that old life back in any way shape or form. Sure I still crave, sometimes it's bad, sometimes it's not. But I know that if I go back out there, I might not get back out. I feel in my heart that I will die. Back then, I was in such a state that I did not care if I died, that was because I didn't realize what life can really be like when sober. It isn't boring and stale, it isn't all chaos and confusion, it's just life. And it's good.

Thanks to anyone that reads this, if it helps in any way to alleviate the fear that it can't be done, then I am glad. It can be done. I am walking proof.