Duncx

Hello

My name is Duncan from Scotland and here is some of my story.

Born and brought up in Scotland within a serious drinking culture. I had my first drink when I was but a bairn. Whisky was added to my milk to help ease teething pains. Through childhood my Father when asked why he was giving me drink would say things like "if he has a drink when he is young when he is of age he will be able to take it or leave it, because he will have a responsible attitude toward it and he will also see what it does to me and will stop."

If only... If only...

Now I do not blame him for his attitude he was trying to instill in me a European approach to drinking. Unfortunately, as he did not follow it himself I followed more his actions than his words.

So from the age of 16 I was regularly drinking in bars and clubs and also getting bottles from shops. From the age of 19 I became involved will a girl whom I fell in love with, and quickly started a life with her. We both drank as much as we could on our pretty poor income. She began to develop a mental problem that eventually lead to me being her carer. She began to use alchohol to help her go out the house. I used it to drown my emotions at my loss of freedom. She depended on me I became depandant on being depended upon. So I became effectively a co-dependant alchoholic. As she could not work and I found it difficult to build a lucrative career on top of this life lead us to drink heavily but not become physically too drastic as the forced cold detoxes that regularly had to occur due to lack of funds. So everything was hunky-dory until I got myself a steady job and started to build up my income levels. She improved for a time as well with the introduction of SSRI drugs, reducing her need to drink.

But it all came to a head when I bought a house and got a new quite well paid job. She was able to drink more, I was trying to get her to cut down but then the familiar cycle of the descent into a deep deep despair. This came to a head when she started to attempt suicide. But by this time it was 13 years of pain, and to my shame, I did not really care anymore whether she did or not. We split soon after, it was surprisingly amicable.
Following within a few months, my father died.

I began to feel increasingly isolated from world and found that my ability to function in society was hampered by the years of strange emotional intense experience. So there I was in just the same amount of emotional turmoil only now there was nobody around to blame for my unhappiness. I did not know what to do. I would not admit mental problems because I believed that she had started acting the part of an agorophobic when she was diagnosed as having it. So I figured if I just sorted myself out, pulled my socks up and muddled through, everything would turn out fine.

I was wrong I descended into a deep lonliness that left me completely lost. For a couple of years I was not touched by another person other than a handshake. I tried to improve but I had developed a great fear of getting involved with someone in case they went crazy on me as well. You see I had a worry that I had somehow brought on her illness. So I did not want to do that to someone I loved. So I became friends with women and tried to really know them before I would reach out to them. This always backfired. I drank as usual to ease my lonliness, I went nearly every night hoping to meet someone that would change my life. My self image was so obvously low I was not attractive to anyone but girls who were already crazy and they were off the menu. I was in a vicious circle.

I realised I had to do something to change my life and had to control my drinking more. I was also beginning to feel quite ill with it. Something that I had never done because finance had always done that for me. Now that I only had myself I had more money for my best friend, whisky. So I decided to stop in July 2002. Within a few hours I had to phone an ambulance because I thought I was having a heart attack. I was admitted with Delerium Tremens. The consultant told me the next day that I was lucky to be alive and that if my heart didn't go I would have popped my brain, and that if I continued it was only a matter of time.

Now I was terrified I stopped after detox for a good month until my local GP said that it would be better if I didn't drink. This difference was enough in my head to start on beers with the lads. That was fine until I started to get emotional toward a girl. Someone I had known for a couple of years and was single and liked me 'as a friend'. I of course wanted to change this. I felt a lot better about myself I knew I wasn't right but I thought all I needed was a woman who didn't need me. Unfortunately she really didn't need me and went for someone else. I was gutted. I suffered such intense emotional pain that I could do nothing other than to reach for what I had always reached for. This time I went for vodka, I new it had less alchohol in it. Fool! The madness really got me, within a couple of weeks I could no longer go to work and after a month I thought I was going to die. Not that I wanted to die, I just thought I was going to fade away and there was nothing I could do about it. I new nothing of the help available, nothing of AA, local detox programs, nothing. Through out this time I had one friend and she was wonderful in her kind words and patience with me. She was also beautiful and seemed the only thing good in my world. A friend who understood pain and depression.

I managed to find the strength from somewhere to do something. To this day I do not know where the strength came from, but my friend is definitely involved. Anyway I managed to struggle through to the capital and meet a Physchiatrist. He thought I was sober until he breathalysed me and found me 8 times over the driving limit. I assured him I got the train. He got me into a rehab, Castle Craig on 6th April 2004.

From here my life changed, I did the first 5 steps and came out with a glow of love coming out of me. I have not drank since. I have a spirituality. I have hope. I have faith. I have a belief in myself. I have a belief in others. I have gratitude. I am still desperately alone. I am still in the same house with the same job. My life is the same, only its a different person living in it. But it is still hard. Not hard not to drink, that is now as unthinkable as jumping off a bridge. But very very hard to be happy in.

Yet I know I can make it, I know I do not have to hang on to the pain, but until I stop being alone I will never know happiness.




That is some of my story, thank you for taking time to read it.

If you have questions or comments I am happy to receive them.

Duncan