Justme57

I did not come from a drinking family, and did not take my first drink until i was 21 and in an abusive , alcoholic marriage. All my life I had felt alone and lonely , for reasons both real and percieved. I found that drinking stopped my feelings of anxiety and panic, and this is the way I came to deal withall my emotions for the next 37 years.

I had several " catalysts" during this time ,which ensured that I continued to drink, the break up of my marriage, the death of my parents, and the suicide of a partener. I was alone with my 4 year old son when my marriage broke up, and I , by this time , HAD to drink, I no longer had a choice , I was powerless. because of this , my son was emotionally neglected, and it has damaged our relationship up to today ( he is 37, married with 2 children)

Although my drinking never caused me to lose my job , I lost my self respect, my sanity , and my soul. At the end of my drinking, the last 5 years , I worked , and drank. I would come home from work via the bottle shop, fill the boot of the car with booze, and spend ALL my time off drinking. I shut the curtains , locked the door , took the phone of the hook , and drank to blackout, then came to and did it again. I had no friends , and no social life , it was all in the bottle. I knew I was powerless to stop, and it terrified me, talk about insane and hopeless ! paranoid, lonely beyond belief, and resentful, full of self pity.

I had misjudged one night on my way home, and ran out of smokes. I drove my car, in a blackout, to get some , and had an accident. I did not even know where the accident had happened , til I went to court 11 months later,and the police read out the incident report! I could have killed someone. i was brought home to my house by the plice , and theown on my front lawn. I remember coming into the empty house , and thinking " this is the end"

In the morning I saw my smashed car, and the piece of paper which showed my blood alcohol reading, and had nowhere to turn. I believe it was a " God Job" that I found the number for AA, and rang them. A lady rang me back, and was unable to take me to a meeting til the following day , she told me just not to drink that day , and that she would ring me during the day. It was this day that I found SR, I think I Googled "Alcohol help" and there it was! what a Blessing that was . I sat here glued to my PC, with my cold water bottle, and read and typed , and read and typed , I will never forget the wonderful support I recieved in those early days from the people here .

I went to my first AA meeting, and felt as if the eyes of the world were upon me ! I had not been in a group of people for 5 years. I was terrified I KNEW that if these people were to really get to know me they would not like me.
I was told to keep coming back, and not to pick up the first drink under any circumstances.I was picked up and taken to meetings , ( I had had my licence taken on the spot)and people actually shook my hand , and remembered my name , and for the first time I saw that there WERE other people like me , who could not stop drinking ! I was not alone!

I got a home group, and a Sponser, and attened as many meetings as I could when I wasn't working, I would rush home from my meetings , and because of the time difference, I could share my feelings on here , with my new found friends

I now have 16 months of days, and I owe it all to the FELLOWSHIP of AA, and the friends I made on here. It has been hard work, but I am now aquiring tools to enable me to deal with the feelings that I used to drink on, and it is quite exciting.I have friends, and a Social life now, and for the first time in my life , I feel " present in the world" and it is a wonderful feeling

* One day at a time
* DONT pick up the first drink under any circumstances
* Get to meetings
* Nurture my relationship with my Higher Power

HUGX
Lee