Andy F

I had my last drink in 1982. There are a number of reasons I say that every time I take the chair at AA. One is that I had my last drink actually on the last day of November 1982, which currently makes me 22 yrs sober, but if I just say 1982 you will calculate that it is 2005 now and assume I am closer to 23 yrs sober. After this length of time sober I have come to realise that I still look for external ways in which to feel appreciated and loved. And this is not me as an irredeemable, bad alcoholic, but a forgivable part of human nature. When I acknowledge my behaviour, without moral judgement, I am on the road to its resolution and to taking the sting out of it.

Another reason I say I had my last drink in 1982 as opposed to saying I have 'been around' or 'in AA' since 1982 is that you know I have not been drinking all the time in AA. Assuming of course that I am telling the truth in the first place.

The main reason I say I had my last drink in 1982 is so that the newcomer and others can understand my story in context. I don't want newcomers or anyone speculating that I may have only been a few months or years sober when I stopped going to meetings and stayed sober for 7 years. I want them to know I was 13 years sober when this happened and I did not leave because I was setting myself up to drink, but because I did not believe in the God resolution to alcoholism and you were all getting on my nerves.

There is a consensus amongst some to be 'humble' (in the UK at least), to say 'I have been around a few days' when it's been 20 odd years. I don't personally subscribe to this. It would be a false humility if I did it. Facts are simply facts. Sometimes I am so off-the-wall I am embarrassed to say how long I am sober. Other times I glide along in smug eliteness. Because I have acknowledged these feelings I have moved on from them or know them for what they are. And I don't want to set a falsley high standard that newcomers may feel they need to live up to.

I came from a very strict, disciplinarian Military upbringing. Both my parents had difficult and particularly my father, horrific upbringings. My fathers brand of patriotism, honour etc. made him a perfect candidate working with the military elite. I was loved as a child, but never knew it. Never remember being hugged etc. though I am sure I would have been when I was a toddler. My parents didn't intend to harm me and considering their own upbringing they did a better job than was done to them. I often hear stories in AA of kids who grow up alone/seriously neglected while they have parents who drink all the time etc. and the emotional outcome for me was the same. I was brought up to be a nice boy, unselfish, never asking for sweets, never questioning, just doing what I was told and being educated by TV. Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson have a lot to answer for my behaviour in later years. I never knew what I was doing on the planet. I never knew what I was doing in school? When I started rebelling at 12 yrs old my parents simply tried more angry discipline, to which I rebelled more and a downward spiral was started. I had a suicide attempt and ended in childs mental wards and childrens homes correctly labeled delinquent and anti-social.

When I was 16 living alone, I was very unhappy. I had alsorts of problems holding down a job. I couldn't take orders, couldn't back down, had no knowledge of how to live life. And then I discovered alcohol. And once I discovered alcohol I didn't care anymore. My ambition, if I'd had one, would have been to live in a permanent state of drunken apathy. I went from a shy, awkward, self conscious person to someone who would talk to women, fight anyone and I didn't care. I had finally found something that resolved how I felt.

I then had a war story of about 4 years before a gay man picked me up when I was homeless and sleeping on a rail station in London, but he decided to take me to an AA meeting. I went to AA for 3 months and decided that I was a potential alcoholic and not an actual one yet. So I went back out. For about 10 months I drank and every time I drank I felt terrible and vowed to go back to AA, but in the morning I would wake up and decide it wasn't quite that bad. I was so angry that I couldn't enjoy my drinking I wanted to find the guy that took me to AA and beat the hell out of him. I went to a psychiatrist specialising in alcoholism and asked her if going to AA meetings had done something to my head. I knew I wasn't an alcoholic, but I was hugely unhappy now when I drank and this was driving me crazy. What I didn't realise was that before I had been to AA I was able to blame everyone else for my drinking, in fact I saw nothing wrong with it and my problem was I never had enough money do do it more. But having been to AA my drinking was spoilt. I knew that no matter what anyone else did, imagined or real, no one else put a drink in my hand, bent my arm and tipped it down my throat. I was alone at the bar doing that myself. So I now became aware that I was responsible for my drinking. No more drinking in ignorant bliss.

I returned to AA, drank once or twice more with disasterous consequences and had my last drink in 1982. For a few years I did not do much about the AA program. I went to bars with my drunken Irish friends and sober got into fights, picked up women. I collected debts, beat people in the street, was a criminal. After awhile this didn't work and I began to look to resolve how I felt about myself. I tried to do this through the 12 steps. Everytime things were wrong in my life I assumed it was because I wasn't complying with some part of the program and I would apply myself a little more. Then I'd feel a little better and slack off.

I had lots of behaviour that made me vulnerable, often unemployable. The most serious was my vulnerability where women were concerned. Nothing pressed my buttons like being rejected. Of course I believed that I must not be following the AA program enough or I would not have these problems.

I remember being around 7 years sober. I had lost my job because I found it so boring and had got myself into a state about it, my girlfriend knew that there could be no secure future with me and left and weeks later I looked at the ceiling light wondering in a practical and non emotional way if it would take my weight should I decide to hang myself. I had nothing left. I decided that if there was a God then he/she would have to make themselves known to me, because I had nothing left to try with. I gave up, I couldn't be bothered to go and get welfare to pay the rent or food. I was preparing to live on the street.

Within a few months I met an incredibly sexy woman. All the men in AA wanted to get their hands on her and for some reason she took a shine to me. The first time we met we talked for 36 hours without sleep, non stop about AA and God etc. I had handed my life over to God and this had happened. I became commited to the 12 steps after that for some years, believing that I would never be alone again. I sponsored people, lived cash register honestly, had a business, etc.

Seven years later I had to admit that I didn't believe in God and the 12 steps as the means to sobriety. As arrogant as I believed I was being, I was going to stop going to meetings, even if that meant, as prophesised, I would inevitably drink again and maybe die.

In the following seven years my marriage dissolved and I became a semi-serious criminal. I had large sums of money and developed a gambling problem. I couldn't quite believe it. I had always despised lying cheating gamblers and I watched myself become one. I risked big prison sentences for my money then watched myself throw it away in the casino. When I had a new girlfriend and saw myself beginning to become a lying lowlife, that was enough, I knew I had a choice and didn't need to go down any further.

I returned to AA, but this time on my terms. I am not pressurised to follow the program and I have learnt that it actually doesn't hurt if someone disapproves of you if you can like yourself. I knew I couldn't follow the program this time, but knew I needed something. I remembered seeing a program on TV about cognitive therapy and thinking if ever I have therapy, thats the type for me. I sought a therapist who intergrated modern cognitive methods with a little bit of delving into the past for healing or clarity. That's been my pursuit the last couple of years. I have made more progress (sorry) in the last couple of years than in the previous 20, but I acknowledge the previous 20.

I don't believe in sponsership as it fosters a hierarchical pyramid fellowship and is the opposite of building up members to be truly mutually equal. I don't think co-dependance exists as a separate labeled phenomena, but is just parts of human general human behaviour that some people get extremes in - I think someones sold a lot of books through it though. I acknowledge the only authority in AA is the group conscience and not mine

I don't think AA is just for people willing to try the 12 steps or a spiritual solution. I believe it is open to all and all views.

Finally, I reserve the right to alter my views and as surprising as it may seem I have been mistaken in the past.

Life and learning can only start when the drink is put down.

If you have one, may your God bless you.

Andy F