mountaingirl

I've been really looking forward to posting here - and today I'm qualified. I quit drinking 1-18-04.

Having a drinking problem took me completely by surprise because I was a woman with a great life, a great family, and with regard to alcohol- until 3 years ago- I was "normal". For my entire adult life, I could take it or leave it, until my problem escalated.

I could blame the very significant loss I suffered when my mother died in 2000, but that would be dishonest. The truth is that sad circumstances do not cause alcoholism. I drank more and developed a dangerous addiction over a period of about two years but I never felt that it was because of my grief.

I'd never had an addictive relationship to "MY" wine, I wasn't even aware that I was drinking more and more each day until I was shopping with my kids one afternoon. I had put a bottle into the shopping cart (here you can buy at the food store) and my little girl said, "you buy that every day." I disagreed, of course. That can't be right, I thought. No way. But it was true. After that I made sure I did my buying while they were in school.

I began to be aware of my daily drinking, and it got worse instead of better. The very idea that I shouldn't have another glass seemed to be reason enough to have it. And I would wake up hating myself and search my marinated brain for what I probably said or did the night before, and hope no one had noticed. I thought I was hiding the problem expertly. Because my husband drank too, he never kept track of my drinking and never brought it up.

I'm immeasurably grateful that I never had a car accident, a dwi or a traditional train wreck story. In a sense my "rock bottom" was just more internal. Psychologically I felt that this person who drank 5 to 7 glasses of white wine every night was not the real me. But over time, I was forced to admit that although it seemed unfair, out of character, and like somebody else's life, I was truly becoming someone I could not stand. The humiliation I felt was very private, and my hangovers were my daily punishment. I journalled with greater and greater honesty about my drinking, and began keeping track of exactly how much I'd had to drink in my diary in order to teach myself moderation. But I failed over and over again. And I'm a bit of a perfectionist (a bit?) so the failures just devastated my sense of self worth. I was so embarassed about the problem that I would go to buy a book on addiction or alcoholism, and chicken out. I would sit in the library and peruse books that would be helpful and never take them out.

The way out for me began when I discovered online forums like this one where I could post anonymously. I could get all the support I needed without having to feel humiliated face to face. I then found a book called Recovery By Choice (you can get it at unhooked.com), which I ordered (online, no more book stores and libraries!). The workbook format was exactly what I was needing, and the philosophy behind the suggestions helped me to work my addiction backwards so that I finally knew what my triggers were and how to demolish them. While working the book, I gathered four months of sobriety under my belt, but relapsed Christmas of 2003. I was finally ready in Jan. of 04 a few days after my 40th birthday to get the alcohol out of my life. I was ready to be who I truly am: free and well.

There are a lot of programs out there, and I'm really glad for that because everyone of us is so different. I researched several methods of attaining sobriety, and found that I couldn't accept the basic philosophy behind AA. To me, I was not powerless, and to this day I still believe that. With the workbook, I found the right tool for myself, which was honest introspection plus education (learning the medical, psychological, and social truths about addictive drinking) and online support. I want anyone who is reading this and looking for assistance to understand that there are lots of ways to get sober, and you must find the one that will be YOUR way. Sticking with a method of recovery that isn't right for you can leave you feeling even worse (like you're just a loser who can't do anything right even recovery), and people who tell others that there is only one way to go destroy the spirits of those of us who need something else to get where they are going in recovery. There, I had to get that out! Hugs to every person who finds their own way, no matter what way it is!

So, to conclude (man this feels good) I want to tell you all that life without a chain around my neck has been worth every effort. My new habits and patterns of coping with daily life are healthy and do not tear me down and belittle me like drinking did. I love who I am, and I believe that the little voice inside me that was saying,"This is not who you are." was right. But I couldn't have known that if I hadn't sobered up.

oxox

MG