ActionJ

Hi.
I'm sure my story isn't all that different than many of yours but it's nice to reminisce over the good times and the bad from time to time. Successes and failures are our best teachers. Good to learn from both.

I come from a family of 6 siblings (7 total including me). I was raised in a somewhat dysfunctional household but nobody drank. My dad would drink a half a can of beer once or twice a year. But both of my parents were riddled with bitterness and resentment over past situations. They were also prone to "playing favorites" with us kids. I was the least favored of the bunch. On more than one occasion I heard my dad whisper to my mom: "that boy won't amount to much." One of his nicknames for me was "dummy." Anyway, when I realized that I was "less than" everyone else I took it very personally and painfully. The seed was planted and I'd later find out that booze was the water and fertilizer that would help it sprout, grow, and thrive.

Took my first drink at 13. It was love at first taste! I got drunk off of my butt and experienced my very first blackout. The race was on!!! Couldn't wait to get my hands on more of that stuff that turned me into someone (anyone) other than myself. I went from a nobody to a bad dog in a few minutes flat. It didn't take long to find other "bad dogs" like myself and we all started down a new and dangerous path.

Smoked my first joint at 15 and took my first hit of acid (LSD) shortly thereafter. Discovered Black Beauties, Crystal Meth, Angel Dust, Quaaludes, and a number of other drugs along the way. Shot heroin for the first time at age 19. Fortunately, I only used that stuff two more times. During this period of mid to late teens, I did remain gainfully employed but I was a heavy partier. This was all in the mid to late 70s. I started growing facial hair at 17 so was able to buy beer without showing an ID. So I was sort of a "go to" guy for my friends. I'd buy their booze as long as I got some for my trouble.

So the booze and the drugs would satisfy my need to hide from myself but as time went on it stopped working as well as it had when I first started. The stuff started to accentuate who I was instead of mask who I was. It started bringing out the worst in me. I wasn't a fun, happy-go-lucky drunk but, rather, an angry, bitter, resentful, depressed, and morose sort of drinker. On a rare occasion, LSD might bring me to hysterical laughter but it was a frightening, demonic sort of "trip." Never enjoyable yet I continued taking it when I could be my hands on it.

The moment I turned 18, I got the hell out of my dad's house and moved from California to New Jersey (about as far away from him as I could get). I continued finding myself in bad places with bad people doing bad things. From the age of 18 to the age of 24 (when I got sober for the first time) I had been arrested 4 times for drug or booze related incidents (two drunk driving and two drunk-in-public). Countless are the times I should have been arrested for various crimes including theft and B&E -- especially in my late teens. I "lucked out" big time.

At age 24 I was working for a city municipality (power department) but was drinking nightly. My first wife had just moved away with another man. I was drinking hard liquor and lots of it. I was going to work smelling like booze; bleary-eyed; and with only one thing on my mind ... my next drink. Though I had never been diagnosed with Cirrhosis of the liver I was experiencing a metallic taste in my mouth which I found out later could be a sign of the disease. Anyway ... can't be sure about that. One night, I downed a half a bottle of Vodka while sitting on the floor of my empty apartment. I realized that I was headed for certain death. Either the booze was going to kill me or I was going to kill myself.

Something snapped in my head. I was in a state of mental and physical desperation. I decided to pray for God's help. My prayer went something like this: "God, if you exist please help me." Just about that simple. I can't remember how many days went by after that but a coworker (my foreman) approached me and asked me if I would like to attend an AA meeting. He was an alcoholic who had gotten sober in AA but who had gone back to drinking. So here's my boss who's a practicing alcoholic who can clearly see my problem and who reached out to help. I didn't realize until many years later than God had answered my prayer in pretty short order.

Anyway, my first day in AA was in late February, 1984. I lasted about 30 days then bought a 6-pack after watching a movie called "Under The Volcano" (not a happy movie about sobriety but a great movie showing the ravages of alcoholism). It was depressing enough that I decided I needed to drink over it. But I went right back to AA and had my first official day of sobriety on March 24th, 1984. I attended like clockwork and went to as many meetings as I could. I read the Big Book and took the steps seriously. The four best things I've ever done for myself (at that time) was 1) Recognize and admit that I had a problem 2) Pray for God's help 3) Perform the 4th Step 4) Perform the 5th step (in person if possible).

As a result of the above, I remained sober for a solid 15 years. But my insidious disease convinced me (and I actually sorta wanted it to) that I was "healed" and that I had matured enough that I could enjoy a beer. Over the next 3 years or so, I fell right back into the same old drinking and drugging routines I had way back when. Once an alcoholic -- ALWAYS an alcoholic. Got sober again in September of 2001 and have been sober ever since.

Takeaways:
1) I've been married three times -- all of which failed. So life in sobriety isn't perfect and nor am I.
2) I've had many ups and downs. I've lived in 9 states and in multiple locations within those states so I'm still on the run and am still uncomfortable in my own skin.
3) I'm not a social butterfly but I'm far better at communicating with people face to face than at any other time in my life.
4) At 60, I'm not rich nor will I ever be. I work a steady job managing a welding supply store. I get by but barely.
5) I'm super grateful that I'm no longer a practicing alcoholic and drug abuser but I can't honestly say that I'm fully content.
6) I still feel the pain of my dad's rejection of me but not nearly to the degree that I did in those early days. Life simply isn't fair nor will it ever be. A good thing for all of us to remember and accept.

Anyway ... I've rambled on for long enough. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Have a great weekend.

P.S. I live in southern Utah but don't attend any meetings. I've been thinking about going back to AA just to support the group and help when, where, and if possible. If anyone has any recommendations for a good meeting in the area of Cedar City ... let me know. Thanks.