DreamCatcher17/My Story - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 03-05-2019, 10:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
DreamCatcher17's Avatar

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,312

DreamCatcher17/My Story

Hey Ya'll,

I am sitting here at my office desk looking outside at all this snow we have here in the Midwest just wishing for summer to get here ASAP! I am tired of the cold and snow, we are expecting more snow, more snow, and more snow. March is the snowest month they say but after getting 38 inches in February I hope that is not true this year!

Well, summertime used to mean all day patio drinking sessions, bonfires, and drinking, boating, and drinking coming home from work with a 6 pack and some wine, parties, BBQ's, Friday night softball full of beer.

That is what I did for about 10 straight summers. I had a couple of sober months in the past 10 years (before I really committed to sobriety) during the summer months, but my relapse was always a summer day.
This does not mean I stopped in the winter, the summer was just warm and a cold refreshing beverage was almost always in hand after work, hell even during work some days.
I remeber someone having to pick me up from the bar during work hours because I was unable to drive. I am glad I didn't drive, I am sure I wanted to as I drove drunk often, caught once. -I am no longer living in shame or guilt about this. I just won't ever do it again and I have no tolerance for someone drinking and driving.

I was a wreck
I had no confidence. Which is weird as I was HOT, in shape, tan, etc... The outside appeared so much better than my insides. I was drinking to be socially accepted by people, to be liked, to get attention from anyone who would give it to me, all while being in a committed relationship.
I drank out of loneliness
I drank when I was happy or sad and every emotion in between. It didn't matter.

I got pregnant, gained 80 pounds and lost my outer beauty.

I had friends ask when I was going to lose the weight and be able to go out and be there wing lady friend and party more.

Well, I wasn't going to lose weight. Instead, I was going to drink and drink some more which in turn I ate like crap and didn't work out.

Now I drank because I was fat, sad, my friends didn't think I was pretty and I was again trying to be liked by others. Until I would drink too much and people started to hate me.

All I wanted was to be accepted for who I was...
I didn't know who I was. I spent 10 years trying to figure that out.
So, I drank.
I slept around every time the BF and I took a "break"
I moved across the country to start over. That didn't work as I found more people who drank to hang out with.

Why can't I figure out this thing called life?

Well, that is really hard to do when there is a substance blocking all of your true potentials. A substance that is blocking your emotions. You can no longer feel anything, see clearly, or act appropriately. Thinking has become a challenge, second-guessing everything, going backward miles to get ahead an inch.

That was me, get ahead an inch and move backward a mile or 10.

Sobriety was my only option to succeed in life.
I don't regret getting sober
I don't regret recovering
I don't regret rewiring my brain
I don't regret recreating myself

There is so much regret from when I was drinking. I no longer sit in those thoughts as they dont serve me well. I did when I first got sober, I thought of every stupid thing I did, every person I hurt, every lie I ever told myself and others.

To be sober is to have life.

I can drive at any time
I have self respect
I work out
I eat mostly good
I love myself, there are days I get hard on myself becasue this weight loss journey just seems to be taking me forever. But I am not where I used to be so I have to remeber that.

The people in my life arent here just becasue of my outter appearance. They like or love me for me becasue I am a pretty damn good person these days. And I have sobriety to thank for that. I am so close to 1.5 years. I am just dubfounded some days that I have come this far. I dont think about drinking, I have no desire.

That is all for now.

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of righteous man availeth much.
James 5:16

New life began 09/24/2017
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