I am sitting here at my office desk looking outside at all this snow we have here in the Midwest just wishing for summer to get here ASAP! I am tired of the cold and snow, we are expecting more snow, more snow, and more snow. March is the snowest month they say but after getting 38 inches in February I hope that is not true this year!
Well, summertime used to mean all day patio drinking sessions, bonfires, and drinking, boating, and drinking coming home from work with a 6 pack and some wine, parties, BBQ's, Friday night softball full of beer.
That is what I did for about 10 straight summers. I had a couple of sober months in the past 10 years (before I really committed to sobriety) during the summer months, but my relapse was always a summer day.
This does not mean I stopped in the winter, the summer was just warm and a cold refreshing beverage was almost always in hand after work, hell even during work some days.
I remeber someone having to pick me up from the bar during work hours because I was unable to drive. I am glad I didn't drive, I am sure I wanted to as I drove drunk often, caught once. -I am no longer living in shame or guilt about this. I just won't ever do it again and I have no tolerance for someone drinking and driving.
I was a wreck
I had no confidence. Which is weird as I was HOT, in shape, tan, etc... The outside appeared so much better than my insides. I was drinking to be socially accepted by people, to be liked, to get attention from anyone who would give it to me, all while being in a committed relationship.
I drank out of loneliness
I drank when I was happy or sad and every emotion in between. It didn't matter.
I got pregnant, gained 80 pounds and lost my outer beauty.
I had friends ask when I was going to lose the weight and be able to go out and be there wing lady friend and party more.
Well, I wasn't going to lose weight. Instead, I was going to drink and drink some more which in turn I ate like crap and didn't work out.
Now I drank because I was fat, sad, my friends didn't think I was pretty and I was again trying to be liked by others. Until I would drink too much and people started to hate me.
All I wanted was to be accepted for who I was...
I didn't know who I was. I spent 10 years trying to figure that out.
So, I drank.
I slept around every time the BF and I took a "break"
I moved across the country to start over. That didn't work as I found more people who drank to hang out with.
Why can't I figure out this thing called life?
Well, that is really hard to do when there is a substance blocking all of your true potentials. A substance that is blocking your emotions. You can no longer feel anything, see clearly, or act appropriately. Thinking has become a challenge, second-guessing everything, going backward miles to get ahead an inch.
That was me, get ahead an inch and move backward a mile or 10.
Sobriety was my only option to succeed in life.
I don't regret getting sober
I don't regret recovering
I don't regret rewiring my brain
I don't regret recreating myself
There is so much regret from when I was drinking. I no longer sit in those thoughts as they dont serve me well. I did when I first got sober, I thought of every stupid thing I did, every person I hurt, every lie I ever told myself and others.
To be sober is to have life.
I can drive at any time
I have self respect
I work out
I eat mostly good
I love myself, there are days I get hard on myself becasue this weight loss journey just seems to be taking me forever. But I am not where I used to be so I have to remeber that.
The people in my life arent here just becasue of my outter appearance. They like or love me for me becasue I am a pretty damn good person these days. And I have sobriety to thank for that. I am so close to 1.5 years. I am just dubfounded some days that I have come this far. I dont think about drinking, I have no desire.
That is all for now.
YOU ARE WORTH IT!
--------------------------------------------------------------- Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of righteous man availeth much.
New life began 09/24/2017