My Story
FarFromUzin
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Montana
Posts: 71
My Story
My name is Tim and I am an Addict.
I have a lot of empathy and compassion for people. I no longer look at the less privileged with a feeling that somehow they are at fault and responsible for all their troubles. Nobody as a little boy or girl wants to grow up to be derelict and bankrupt in every aspect of life; morally, spiritually and physically, but it happens. These people are someone’s brother, son, daughter, wife, mother or father. They were once innocent children who for some reason grew to adulthood and felt that living life on life’s terms was too hard. They chose to live a life of addiction. I went down that road myself and unlike many, I survived.
I moved to Western Washington in 1980 from my hometown. A little town on the east slopes of the Cascade Mountains. I eventually landed a job with an office equipment company in 1981 and worked for them until the end of 1992. I was good at what I did. I liked working for commission and not punching a clock. It appealed to my independent nature. During that time I got married, raised step daughters, bought a house and was by all outside appearances, living the dream.
My wife and I separated in 1989 and were eventually divorced in 1992. I was also at this time drinking a lot. I lost the job and sold the house by the end of the year. I worked for a few companies through 1994 and finally could work no longer.
The next eight years were not pretty. I became lost; no purpose. I became a Heroin addict. I was in and out of treatment centers, hospitals and psychiatric units. From 1999 until 2002 I was living with my girlfriend and her little boy. Both of us were using drugs and wanting to quit. It was a struggle we were losing. Her son was taken away from us. She broke and was hospitalized for quite a while. I struggled to stay clean and failed.
I was sent to treatment for the 16th time in June 2002. I used drugs for the last time on June 17th. Since that day my life has been a constant revelation. I emerged from all the chaos a changed person. I can see all the mistakes and I have awareness now like I have never had before. I truly appreciate my life. I know I have great things to offer as a result of my experience.
The girlfriend tried to get clean and continued to fail. I had to let it go. I loved her, but I could not help her. The relationship with her was over. I knew I would never stay clean if it continued. That was a very painful decision for me. Not only did I know I would never see her again: I would never see her son again as well. I had a bond with him and him with me. I knew I would miss him. He was to go and live with his Paternal Grand Parents. It was the right decision; both for of us.
I would not have chosen this; but it is what happened. It’s what makes me so compassionate and loving of people. It’s what helps me be tolerant of people’s limitations. It's what makes me less judgmental than most.
I did not escape my drug use without physical problems. I was diagnosed with hepatitis C in December 2001 . . . . In March of 2003 I started Interferon Treatment. I gave myself an injection once a week for 52 weeks. Interferon is fairly toxic. It is used for certain types of cancer as well. It is similar to Chemotherapy. I finished in March of this year. I am now undetectable. None of the Hepatitis C virus can be found. During that year I stayed home most the time. It tends to make a person fairly ill. Even through this experience I find the good. I learned to be my own best friend. I was comfortable being in my own company. I spent a lot of the time learning and building my computer. I had not touched a computer since 1994 and I had a lot of catching up to do. I communicated with others going through therapy and we encouraged each other.
I have felt like giving up at times. Feeling that way is not necessarily wrong. An addict is going to experience that from time to time. Having a feeling and ‘acting’ on that feeling are two different things. That is where the fellowship and the steps come in. The key is learning to live life on life’s terms. That is not something a person who chronically alters their mood with chemicals has learned to do.
I have a sponsor who helps me ‘one on one’ to work the steps. I have a network of men in the fellowship who are my support group. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. We understand each other. We have been there.
I can not think of anything that would cause me to give up and use. However, I am not naïve enough to think it could not happen. If I work the steps and practice the spiritual principles I have learned, when and if, life slaps me in the face, I will have the resources to walk through it without using.
I am now facing that slap in the face. I am severely depressed, paralyzed with fear and in complete isolation. The words I have written above are true, but I am finding them hard to do. I don’t want to use, but I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I hold on one day at a time and know that, “This to shall Pass.”
FFL
11/16/2004
I have a lot of empathy and compassion for people. I no longer look at the less privileged with a feeling that somehow they are at fault and responsible for all their troubles. Nobody as a little boy or girl wants to grow up to be derelict and bankrupt in every aspect of life; morally, spiritually and physically, but it happens. These people are someone’s brother, son, daughter, wife, mother or father. They were once innocent children who for some reason grew to adulthood and felt that living life on life’s terms was too hard. They chose to live a life of addiction. I went down that road myself and unlike many, I survived.
I moved to Western Washington in 1980 from my hometown. A little town on the east slopes of the Cascade Mountains. I eventually landed a job with an office equipment company in 1981 and worked for them until the end of 1992. I was good at what I did. I liked working for commission and not punching a clock. It appealed to my independent nature. During that time I got married, raised step daughters, bought a house and was by all outside appearances, living the dream.
My wife and I separated in 1989 and were eventually divorced in 1992. I was also at this time drinking a lot. I lost the job and sold the house by the end of the year. I worked for a few companies through 1994 and finally could work no longer.
The next eight years were not pretty. I became lost; no purpose. I became a Heroin addict. I was in and out of treatment centers, hospitals and psychiatric units. From 1999 until 2002 I was living with my girlfriend and her little boy. Both of us were using drugs and wanting to quit. It was a struggle we were losing. Her son was taken away from us. She broke and was hospitalized for quite a while. I struggled to stay clean and failed.
I was sent to treatment for the 16th time in June 2002. I used drugs for the last time on June 17th. Since that day my life has been a constant revelation. I emerged from all the chaos a changed person. I can see all the mistakes and I have awareness now like I have never had before. I truly appreciate my life. I know I have great things to offer as a result of my experience.
The girlfriend tried to get clean and continued to fail. I had to let it go. I loved her, but I could not help her. The relationship with her was over. I knew I would never stay clean if it continued. That was a very painful decision for me. Not only did I know I would never see her again: I would never see her son again as well. I had a bond with him and him with me. I knew I would miss him. He was to go and live with his Paternal Grand Parents. It was the right decision; both for of us.
I would not have chosen this; but it is what happened. It’s what makes me so compassionate and loving of people. It’s what helps me be tolerant of people’s limitations. It's what makes me less judgmental than most.
I did not escape my drug use without physical problems. I was diagnosed with hepatitis C in December 2001 . . . . In March of 2003 I started Interferon Treatment. I gave myself an injection once a week for 52 weeks. Interferon is fairly toxic. It is used for certain types of cancer as well. It is similar to Chemotherapy. I finished in March of this year. I am now undetectable. None of the Hepatitis C virus can be found. During that year I stayed home most the time. It tends to make a person fairly ill. Even through this experience I find the good. I learned to be my own best friend. I was comfortable being in my own company. I spent a lot of the time learning and building my computer. I had not touched a computer since 1994 and I had a lot of catching up to do. I communicated with others going through therapy and we encouraged each other.
I have felt like giving up at times. Feeling that way is not necessarily wrong. An addict is going to experience that from time to time. Having a feeling and ‘acting’ on that feeling are two different things. That is where the fellowship and the steps come in. The key is learning to live life on life’s terms. That is not something a person who chronically alters their mood with chemicals has learned to do.
I have a sponsor who helps me ‘one on one’ to work the steps. I have a network of men in the fellowship who are my support group. I have some of the greatest friends in the world. We understand each other. We have been there.
I can not think of anything that would cause me to give up and use. However, I am not naïve enough to think it could not happen. If I work the steps and practice the spiritual principles I have learned, when and if, life slaps me in the face, I will have the resources to walk through it without using.
I am now facing that slap in the face. I am severely depressed, paralyzed with fear and in complete isolation. The words I have written above are true, but I am finding them hard to do. I don’t want to use, but I don’t want to hurt anymore.
I hold on one day at a time and know that, “This to shall Pass.”
FFL
11/16/2004
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