My Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: St. Thomas, Ontario
Posts: 8
My Story
This is my story, my experience stregth and hope.
I was born in a small town, the middle child of 7 children. My parents were very hard working, community minded people. They stood up for what they believed in and for the right things. My father was on council in the town. They enjoyed trying to do positive things for the village.
The problem being that meany people in the town didn t agree with them.. When we went to school the next day, we paid for it. I took all that the other kids said personnally and thought that it was my job to stick up for my family. Talking to my siblings later in live, made me realize that this didn t bother them like it did me. Any way, I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I never knew who liked us and who didn t so I tended to isolate. I got in many fights and was often in trouble in school. By grad 8 I hated school.
In high school, where my father was a teacher, I found that the kids liked you because my he was a teacher. This was very different and difficult for me to handle. I tried to fit in, but always felt like an outsider.
I started drinking at about 15. My parents were pretty protective, so I didnèt get many opportunities, but I loved what alcohol did for me. I was able to talk to people, I was better and everything, and I was comfortable with myself. When I did get the opportunity to drink, I never knew when to stop. Alcohol gave me the courage to do the things I wanted...and didn t want to do. It became my crutch.
I got pregnant right out of high school. There goes my drinking career. I had twin boys at 19. Thank God my parents and family were there for me, because thier father wasn t. I didn t drink very much at all in their younger years. I got married to one of those kids I hated from public school....why I don t know...I think it had something to do with proving that I could fit in and that I was good enough.
He turned out to be an achololic, not that he would admit it. I worked about three jobs and tried hard to meet the responsibilities of the family. See one thing my parents taught us was that if we worked hard, we could hae anything we wanted. And in my sick twisted little mind...I thought that that meant a marriage could work if I worked hard enough at it. I had two more kids in that marriage. I drank very little during the 7 years we were together. But when I did again, I didn t know when to stop. I finally got the courage to get out. Actually I was preparing to leave, but he beat me and left with a stripper.
At that time I had two houses, 4 kids, a broken down van and a part time job. I dove into what was ahead of me and focused on my kids. They had private music lessons, base ball hockey, cubs, brownies...all the good stuff. I was involved in all the activities. But man was I miserable, angry and resentfull. Unfortunaley my kids took the brunt of these feelings. I would feel a big bitch coming on and I could not control it and I could not stop it, it just came out and everyone around me paid the price. I always felt quilty and remorsefull after, but I didn t understand what was going on.
I met another guy, older, thought maybe this would work. He always had a bottle of buze and a joint to smoke each night. I soon learned that this helped calm me down. I could relax. I soon became a weeekend drinker and had a joint every night. Then started drinking after the kids went to bed. Nothing serious. Just enough to relax me. This relationship lasted about 2 years, and my drinking had grown to almost daily. I wa a very functioning person, as far as I can tell.
My kids were going on a very long trip this summer(twins), it took us two years to raise the money to send them on this trip. we cut about 19 lawns a week and by this time I was working full time, still had hockey, baseball and everything else going on. I really don t knwo how we did it, but we did. The weekend I took the to the airport in Toronto, my brother had taken the two little ones for the weekend, I went home and cried for two days. I couldn t figure out what was wrong other than my life was a mess. I decided that I was going to spend the extra time I had that summer to find the right guy to spend my life with.
Well, now that I think about it, I think that it didn t matter who he was, and in fact I probably found the worst possible person. But once again I thought that if I worked hard enough, and my house was clean enough and I gave enough that it would work. He would love me...how couldn t he. Well he was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Once again, I had my supply. Always booze around and always drugs. My drinking took off. He was in and out of our lives between other women and me. My kids were getting hurt, I was getting hurt, everything was falling apart, and I was losing it. So I hid behind the bottle. I got very sick very fast.
I tried to commit suicide 3 times in a two month period. I could always talk them out of letting me out of the phyc. I wa about to loose my job, childrens aide had taken the kids. Everything was a mess, but I had my drinks and for a long time I couldn t figure out why I couldn t hae my kids back. I went for councilling, but wasn t honest about my drinking. I was getting better, a little stronger. But my boyfriend was still coming in and out of my life. My self esteem was in the dump.
I went to a few open AA meetings with him. I really related. You see I now believe that JGod puts people in our lives for a reason. The reason for him was to get me into recovery. I just didn t know when to boot him out. Anyway, I was in and out, but something was happenign to me. I was still drinking, not as much, but something was trying to tell me something.
One day after a meeting with children s aide, I was sitting in my apartment, trying to get drund, and I couldn t. I remember feeling that I was just sick and tired of thsi and that there had to be a better way to live. I went to a meeting that night. I started to listen and got 3 months sobriety. Then I drank. Then I got 8 months sobriety, then I drank. Then, I decided enough was enough and I wasn t drinking anymore. I read all I could about recovery. I worked hard and listened to everyone. It was difficult because he was still drinking. By this time I had my kids back, and had bought a
house. Our relationship was as up and down as a rollercoaster. I wanted him out, but couldn t say it. He would leave and then come back, always knowing exactly what to say and what promises to make.
Then came a day when he met up with an old girlfriend. I didn t know it at the time, but he said he needed some time. I gave it. He called and said that she wanted to get back with him. Thank God. Of course that ws the end of him he continued to call me almost everyday up to the day they got married 3 months later. Now my recovery gcould finally begin. It was time to work on me. I got very serious about recovery, going to meetings every day. I signed up to go to Westover, for the family program....I had been going to Ala non for about a year at this point. This was a big help to me.
My kids at this point were rebelling against me. Nothing I was doing would help them straighten out. My 11 year old had only been to school 10 days as of November 15. I had to admit that what I was doing wasn t working. A friend from work offered to take my son for the school year in a different town. I sent to my daughter to her fathers. Which is where she daid she ws going everytime I tried to discipline her. So I was alone again. But in a different place. I was in recovery. There was nothing stopping me from hitting a meeting every night. That I did. I was feeling great. Things were finally starting to work for me. I was changing.
I decided I was ready to meet some one. I signed up for a date line. Now not really thinking this date line was through a radio station in Hamilton. I got a few calls, but they weren t for me. Then I got a call from this guy and we hit it off really well. we had a lot in common and talked everyday. We finally decided to meet after 3 weeks of talking. Well he didn t show up. Which ended up being a good thing becasue I had some old **** I needed to deal with before I could move on to another relationship.
He called the next day and said that if I could forgive him for being an ******* he would appreciate it if I would call him. You see by this time we had figured out that we were both in the program. He said that he had returned to old habits by gettign scared a running rather than coming to meet me. We had figured that God had put us together for some reason, how many people had signed up for that date line and for us two to connect, there must be a reason. We startred seeing each other and got along so well. I thought I was in heaven. He treated me very good. He was good with the kids. He was dedicated to his kids.
We were supposed to spend the summer together at his mothers trailor up north. So I rented out my house, took the summer off work and drove up north. Now I should say that I had been praying for guidance through this whole relationship. I felt that something was changing. I didn t know what but something was changing. When we got up north he said that he had nothing to say to me. I was crushed, so was my son.
We drove back to town, and set up a tent at the local campground(the place of my last drunk). I knew that I had a choice. I could pick up, spend the summer out there avoiding everything, or I could make a phone call and get some help. I made the phone call. I got the help. I was never judged or told what to do. I just had someone to talk to and some guidance.
This summer has been the best for my recovery. I did things I never thought I could do. My life is so good right now. I didn t get what I wanted this summer, but I got what I needed. I actually looked at me. I did my fourth and fifth, then my six and seventh steps.
If there is anyone out there that is stuggling with this program, jsut keep coming back. It works. Just have an open mind and keep coming back. Through this program I have my family back, I have friends I can rely on. My faith has grown. Every thing positive in my life is directly related to thsi program and the people in it. If you don t feel a part of start going early and staying late. Get involved. You will see the promises come true if you work at this program. I didn t think it would happen to me, but almost over night it did.
Live still isn t a bowl of cherries, but I know I dont have to pick up a drink to deal with it. I don t have to carry old garbage around, and I have a choice of how I want to feel about things. I can t say enough about this program. Just Keep coming back and keep working. It won t happen over night. It took along time to get where I was and it will take along time to recover. But I now know how to live sober and have fun.
Jenn
I was born in a small town, the middle child of 7 children. My parents were very hard working, community minded people. They stood up for what they believed in and for the right things. My father was on council in the town. They enjoyed trying to do positive things for the village.
The problem being that meany people in the town didn t agree with them.. When we went to school the next day, we paid for it. I took all that the other kids said personnally and thought that it was my job to stick up for my family. Talking to my siblings later in live, made me realize that this didn t bother them like it did me. Any way, I never felt like I fit in anywhere. I never knew who liked us and who didn t so I tended to isolate. I got in many fights and was often in trouble in school. By grad 8 I hated school.
In high school, where my father was a teacher, I found that the kids liked you because my he was a teacher. This was very different and difficult for me to handle. I tried to fit in, but always felt like an outsider.
I started drinking at about 15. My parents were pretty protective, so I didnèt get many opportunities, but I loved what alcohol did for me. I was able to talk to people, I was better and everything, and I was comfortable with myself. When I did get the opportunity to drink, I never knew when to stop. Alcohol gave me the courage to do the things I wanted...and didn t want to do. It became my crutch.
I got pregnant right out of high school. There goes my drinking career. I had twin boys at 19. Thank God my parents and family were there for me, because thier father wasn t. I didn t drink very much at all in their younger years. I got married to one of those kids I hated from public school....why I don t know...I think it had something to do with proving that I could fit in and that I was good enough.
He turned out to be an achololic, not that he would admit it. I worked about three jobs and tried hard to meet the responsibilities of the family. See one thing my parents taught us was that if we worked hard, we could hae anything we wanted. And in my sick twisted little mind...I thought that that meant a marriage could work if I worked hard enough at it. I had two more kids in that marriage. I drank very little during the 7 years we were together. But when I did again, I didn t know when to stop. I finally got the courage to get out. Actually I was preparing to leave, but he beat me and left with a stripper.
At that time I had two houses, 4 kids, a broken down van and a part time job. I dove into what was ahead of me and focused on my kids. They had private music lessons, base ball hockey, cubs, brownies...all the good stuff. I was involved in all the activities. But man was I miserable, angry and resentfull. Unfortunaley my kids took the brunt of these feelings. I would feel a big bitch coming on and I could not control it and I could not stop it, it just came out and everyone around me paid the price. I always felt quilty and remorsefull after, but I didn t understand what was going on.
I met another guy, older, thought maybe this would work. He always had a bottle of buze and a joint to smoke each night. I soon learned that this helped calm me down. I could relax. I soon became a weeekend drinker and had a joint every night. Then started drinking after the kids went to bed. Nothing serious. Just enough to relax me. This relationship lasted about 2 years, and my drinking had grown to almost daily. I wa a very functioning person, as far as I can tell.
My kids were going on a very long trip this summer(twins), it took us two years to raise the money to send them on this trip. we cut about 19 lawns a week and by this time I was working full time, still had hockey, baseball and everything else going on. I really don t knwo how we did it, but we did. The weekend I took the to the airport in Toronto, my brother had taken the two little ones for the weekend, I went home and cried for two days. I couldn t figure out what was wrong other than my life was a mess. I decided that I was going to spend the extra time I had that summer to find the right guy to spend my life with.
Well, now that I think about it, I think that it didn t matter who he was, and in fact I probably found the worst possible person. But once again I thought that if I worked hard enough, and my house was clean enough and I gave enough that it would work. He would love me...how couldn t he. Well he was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Once again, I had my supply. Always booze around and always drugs. My drinking took off. He was in and out of our lives between other women and me. My kids were getting hurt, I was getting hurt, everything was falling apart, and I was losing it. So I hid behind the bottle. I got very sick very fast.
I tried to commit suicide 3 times in a two month period. I could always talk them out of letting me out of the phyc. I wa about to loose my job, childrens aide had taken the kids. Everything was a mess, but I had my drinks and for a long time I couldn t figure out why I couldn t hae my kids back. I went for councilling, but wasn t honest about my drinking. I was getting better, a little stronger. But my boyfriend was still coming in and out of my life. My self esteem was in the dump.
I went to a few open AA meetings with him. I really related. You see I now believe that JGod puts people in our lives for a reason. The reason for him was to get me into recovery. I just didn t know when to boot him out. Anyway, I was in and out, but something was happenign to me. I was still drinking, not as much, but something was trying to tell me something.
One day after a meeting with children s aide, I was sitting in my apartment, trying to get drund, and I couldn t. I remember feeling that I was just sick and tired of thsi and that there had to be a better way to live. I went to a meeting that night. I started to listen and got 3 months sobriety. Then I drank. Then I got 8 months sobriety, then I drank. Then, I decided enough was enough and I wasn t drinking anymore. I read all I could about recovery. I worked hard and listened to everyone. It was difficult because he was still drinking. By this time I had my kids back, and had bought a
house. Our relationship was as up and down as a rollercoaster. I wanted him out, but couldn t say it. He would leave and then come back, always knowing exactly what to say and what promises to make.
Then came a day when he met up with an old girlfriend. I didn t know it at the time, but he said he needed some time. I gave it. He called and said that she wanted to get back with him. Thank God. Of course that ws the end of him he continued to call me almost everyday up to the day they got married 3 months later. Now my recovery gcould finally begin. It was time to work on me. I got very serious about recovery, going to meetings every day. I signed up to go to Westover, for the family program....I had been going to Ala non for about a year at this point. This was a big help to me.
My kids at this point were rebelling against me. Nothing I was doing would help them straighten out. My 11 year old had only been to school 10 days as of November 15. I had to admit that what I was doing wasn t working. A friend from work offered to take my son for the school year in a different town. I sent to my daughter to her fathers. Which is where she daid she ws going everytime I tried to discipline her. So I was alone again. But in a different place. I was in recovery. There was nothing stopping me from hitting a meeting every night. That I did. I was feeling great. Things were finally starting to work for me. I was changing.
I decided I was ready to meet some one. I signed up for a date line. Now not really thinking this date line was through a radio station in Hamilton. I got a few calls, but they weren t for me. Then I got a call from this guy and we hit it off really well. we had a lot in common and talked everyday. We finally decided to meet after 3 weeks of talking. Well he didn t show up. Which ended up being a good thing becasue I had some old **** I needed to deal with before I could move on to another relationship.
He called the next day and said that if I could forgive him for being an ******* he would appreciate it if I would call him. You see by this time we had figured out that we were both in the program. He said that he had returned to old habits by gettign scared a running rather than coming to meet me. We had figured that God had put us together for some reason, how many people had signed up for that date line and for us two to connect, there must be a reason. We startred seeing each other and got along so well. I thought I was in heaven. He treated me very good. He was good with the kids. He was dedicated to his kids.
We were supposed to spend the summer together at his mothers trailor up north. So I rented out my house, took the summer off work and drove up north. Now I should say that I had been praying for guidance through this whole relationship. I felt that something was changing. I didn t know what but something was changing. When we got up north he said that he had nothing to say to me. I was crushed, so was my son.
We drove back to town, and set up a tent at the local campground(the place of my last drunk). I knew that I had a choice. I could pick up, spend the summer out there avoiding everything, or I could make a phone call and get some help. I made the phone call. I got the help. I was never judged or told what to do. I just had someone to talk to and some guidance.
This summer has been the best for my recovery. I did things I never thought I could do. My life is so good right now. I didn t get what I wanted this summer, but I got what I needed. I actually looked at me. I did my fourth and fifth, then my six and seventh steps.
If there is anyone out there that is stuggling with this program, jsut keep coming back. It works. Just have an open mind and keep coming back. Through this program I have my family back, I have friends I can rely on. My faith has grown. Every thing positive in my life is directly related to thsi program and the people in it. If you don t feel a part of start going early and staying late. Get involved. You will see the promises come true if you work at this program. I didn t think it would happen to me, but almost over night it did.
Live still isn t a bowl of cherries, but I know I dont have to pick up a drink to deal with it. I don t have to carry old garbage around, and I have a choice of how I want to feel about things. I can t say enough about this program. Just Keep coming back and keep working. It won t happen over night. It took along time to get where I was and it will take along time to recover. But I now know how to live sober and have fun.
Jenn
Last edited by CarolD; 01-21-2009 at 04:21 AM. Reason: Title Corrected
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