this is it pt #2

Old 10-27-2004, 09:58 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: chicago,illinois
Posts: 43
Lightbulb this is it pt #2

Hi this is part two of my story . so sit back and take your time and just stay with me here o.k . I am a recovering addict , recovering from anything , and everything that made me feel good . long before I'd ever picked-up any mood, mind , altering substance, i can recall having low-selfworth,no self-esteem, and not a clue about self-acceptance. I thought that all my life I'd have to life in someones shadow. I was the 7th child of my mothers, and my fathers first born. they were not married , and could not seem to get along with one another. I remember my mom telling me that her pregnancy , was not at all planned. And that she tryed to abort , But it was to late she had twins, but one didn't make it , and as you all know, well I was the blessed one. She went on to tell me how my dad was a loser, controller ,and that I looked just like him, and the whole 9 yds. Now on the flip-side my dad was an herion addict, with a very heavy drinking problem , that was a Vet in the Service when he returned home he had a monkey on his back. He wasn't able to express feelings, emontions to a small child one that cryed out for a great deal of his time. His time was consumed with finding, ways and means to get more .So there I was the child left behind . By the time I reached the tender ages of 10-13yrs and going to school at least some of the time . I started to seek attention out-side the home-front. I began to slack in my attendance, and friends and I, would go to this old man's house , and he would allow us young girls to come to his house and smoke weed, and drink wine that he himself would buy. after awhile of going to this man's house other men started to come over to visit him, as well as to see the sweet young girls. they began to touch us in ways that made me very uncomfortable in the beginning , but they would give us money, and supply all the home- grewn weed, and drinks that we wanted. I found myself coming home later, and later my mom would question my where abouts, and I'd just say that I was at school then went to a friends house to do home-work . She never really followed thru, and I continued to stay out , at this point there are a lot of loose ends , and my lies are caughting up with me and I'm starting to get in alot of trouble. But by now the old men are introducing us girls to oral s--, and that is where I can remember my addiction taking flight. deep down in my heart I knew that it was not right ,but I didn't feel that I had anyone to protect me from hurt, harm or danger. so I became very resentful when it came down to men, and I also had to learn how to stuff my feelings, and emontions and tell myself that it will all end soon. Meanwhile I mediacted with any, and everything that I could get my hands on . at the age of 15 I began a s--ship with this 23yr old guy and my mom said that it was o.k . This guy ended up being very abusive and I didn't know how to get out of this toxic sitution, he always give me alot of money, 100 dollars almost everyday so I thought that, that was love something that I had been loning for most of my life but couldn't seem to find.The guy ended-up in jail , and I in another sex-ship which brought about my first born at the age of 17. I dropped out of h.s , and took on a job in a bar . there I was introduced to coke I snorted , and dranked heavly and more regularly. meant a new group of peeps , and got into dealing , made fast, easy money. And things were go , people at this time were basing and I tryed it , and got hooked , became my own best costomer then I wasn't able to sell the drugs anymore, because I wanted it all for myself . were in the beginning it was easy, great and fast money . In the end it really became a job I wasn't getting free drugs I had to hustle , really hard. And now a second child is on the way , with another bad, toxic sexship. which brought about more anger , and resentments. Then CRACK hit the streets of chicago, and it brought me to my knees . All the things that I'd said I'd never ever do I've done and more. just a few examples dead beat mom, prostitution, a liar, deceit-ful , I could go on and on with the whole 9yards. DCFS came into my life , and told me to get it together or they would take my children, and I detoxed, and still I couldn't stop. I went back to what I knew which was to use. I didn't have any coping skills, any tools didn,t believe in a God , becasue I felt that HE turned HIS back on me and allowed me to suffer in what a called my life. And it wasn't over I got stoned again and again. and a few more years went by DCFS back again a second time I felt like they were, bringing me more drama in my freaking life, so I once again back to detox this time I thought that I had enough I went on to a 30day treatment, and even went to a recovery home , stayed clean for 14mons got a real job as a CNA, gained some weight, saved some money, raised my level of self-esteem , and really started to fill better about myself. But then went back to the old hood ,to check out long lost peeps. It didn't take long after that I re-zoomed once again. THIS TIME THINGS GOT REAL UGLY FOR REAL, FOR REAL!! if you know what I mean. My bottom had a trap door, all my yets had became realities, live and in living color. Up close and personal , talk about some Jerry Springer Sh--! going on. I was bring beat down the crack had me enslaved in away that I had never been before . You see I disreguarded any, and everything that I heard in treatment and really felt that (It didn,t apply to me ). I didn't know anything about being powerless, I had been raped by this guy and it scared me , and traumatized me so badly that I was forced to surrender . That was something that I had NEVER DONE BEFORE! But I knew that I couldn't do it anymore , and finally accepted that fact about my life . It was time to get into the solution , the HOW of the program . I had to open my mind , eyes, and hears , and began to identify myself as an addict. I had to becomine willing to listen to the old-timer because they seem to have a level of peace, joy , and a glow about themselves. and I wanted some of what they had to offer. I didn't read very well , and that was a secret of mine that I'd thought I'd never have to reveal about myself. But the members told me to share, talk about everything and use about nothing , and that staying clean (must) come first. I began to pray at the end of the meetings with the other members . and soon became comfortable with doing it along, and I started to see the evidance of GOD working in my life. My children whom I had left behind are now in my life, and we are rebuilding our relationship, my mom and I are best friends now and have an open line of communication together, GOD has blessed me with a Loving Husband and a recovery ministry that allows me to be a bridge between faith-base , and other 12step fellowships , as well as being a responsiable member of society, I do a lot of service-work inside and outside the rooms. So that my gratitutde show up in my attitude through the way I've learned to live today. I've al been BLESSED to speak at twoo conventions two years straight. And have made many recovery tapes only by GOD'S GRACE has my life taken a turn for the better , and now carry peace with-in , working through my issues and learning to deal with life on it own terms , and being o.k with that staying in the moment and trusting the process, But most of all learning HOW TO FORGIVE , because I to need to be forgiven , finding away to understand, whither than to be understood . I'm open for suggestions today , now I know that change is good, and it makes sense to change, and that change makes a lot of sense , and it's an inside job . starting with honesty , openmindedness, and willingness. So if no one has told you that they LOVE YOU TODAY, THEN START TELLING YOURSELF IT STARTS WITH YOU !!!! THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE ANOTHER PART OF ME (GOD BLESS) Beloved
Beloved is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:39 PM.