Join Date: Sep 2007
mkvan- My Story
4 Years ago today, I had my last drink.
From what I remember, I had woken up briefly in the morning around this time, 6 or 7am and I must have sent a note to my boss saying that I was unwell and that I had to be off for a few more days. I was shaking badly, couldn’t drink anymore and was laying in bed, just terrorized and paralyzed. Couldn’t go out anywhere. There was booze, but I couldn’t really drink much. I think I was looking up detox the night before. Wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I was laying there with the knowing that my brother and father had left me. And realizing that I was on my own. Again. Like most of my life. But this was a different kind of loneliness. There was no one in AA I could call. Not even the AA hotline. No one. I’ve been down this road so many times.
The only place I could go was detox, or the hospital. For the 45th time. I was depressed and terrified. I wanted to return to my Sober life.
I couldn’t believe that I was there, after completing 2 marathons and 7.5 months of solid continuous peaceful Sobriety, in which I had found goals, and I even signed up for a new apartment, a new bank account. A wonderful job with a global consulting company. I worked really hard for that. I practiced all the Louise Hay affirmations. They had become habit. My new Sober Life path was being paved beautifully. So how could I just abandon it all and go back to hell. No freakin way. I couldn’t. This was the realization that came from within. I couldn’t just ditch my beautiful, precious, sacred Sober Life and go back into hell, all because I didn’t get the validation I thought I needed from the people that were close to me.
I needed to get back, no matter what, right then, after a week long relapse. This was my chance for True Freedom. Permanent Sobriety. Finally, I have been abandoned for good, so I could be Free and Live my Life the way I choose, completely Clean and Sober. I had to let go.
Start setting boundaries. No matter what, I realized, I can (and will ) never compromise my Sobriety for anyone. I will never place my Sobriety in the hands of anyone, and that includes AA. Screw em all I concluded. I am staying Sober, under any and all conditions, for me. I just needed a jumpstart for that first day. I said a prayer, I believe. “God please help me get back”.
A few hours later, there was non-stop ringing on the land phone, which was connected to the front door buzzer. I finally managed to get up to disconnect the phone, but as I got to the phone, I thought, why not answer it. It didn’t matter anyways, I was either going to be dead or I was going to stay alive and I knew I wanted to stay alive so I could continue my sober dream. So answer the phone...
It was around 10am when I answered the phone and it was my brother. He came back to get me. Took me to the hospital and stayed with me for about a day and a half and left on Sunday. While he was there, I had my last seizure, and it was a live one. I lay in bed while he was in the living room and it struck. Like massive lightning. The whole body and face were vibrating rapidly and my mouth, fingers, hands were stuck and my ears were ringing really loud and I wanted to call out my brother's name and I couldn’t. I thought for sure that was it, but then deep down inside, I kept hearing, “just hang on, just hang on”, even though I couldn’t quite breathe. It lasted a good 20 or 30 seconds and that’s the first time I was conscious during a seizure. It was almost as if God was showing me the reality of what I was leaving behind. It was the final glimpse of hell, as I was taking off into the wonderful Universe of superbly blissful Sobriety, Peace and Abundance.
My brother left on Sunday, and immediately after, I knew I was Free. Finally. I called my friend Philip at the time and we went for a gorgeous walk in Coal Harbour. I couldn’t call him before that. He was not the right person for it.
In classic Vedic (Hindu) philosophy, my brothere coming to get me, saving me in a sense, was my karma. The person I hated the most was the one to put me on the road to salvation.
At least that’s how I like to frame the whole experience today, exactly four years later, completely Clean, Sober and Smoke Free. I don’t even use any prescription drugs or anxiety medication. Nothing. I am completely Clean. Everything I experience today is raw and uncensored. When I experience pain today, it is real and intense. When I experience Joy it is Brilliant. That’s what I want my Life to be today.
Pure. Clean. Sober. Simple. Peaceful. Abundant.
For the most part it has turned out that way and I am supremely Grateful for my Sobriety.
If I could make this far, I am sure you can as well.
I am posting this here, because SR was quite valuable in my first couple of years, when I couldn’t yet trust 12 step programs… These forums have been very helpful. Thank you so much !
The process I use for my recovery is journaling, running, daily gratitude lists, connecting with people in recovery, meetings and for the first few years I went to group therapy. It was a ton of work, but I wanted to do it, so I could enjoy my Sober Life.
In these 4 years of continuous Sobriety, I have managed to complete 9 marathons, 1 Ultra Marathon, heal a lot of shame, become more assertive, form a couple of companies, leave jobs with adequate notice, let go of unhealthy friendships, peacefully mourn the passing of my mother, re-establish a healthy relationship with my father and brother and, establish a few healthy, peaceful friendships, and I can go anywhere and be totally ok with not drinking.
Thank you for reading. Hope you got something out of this…
Enjoy the ride.
Last edited by Dee74; 07-05-2017 at 09:47 PM.
Reason: edit title to conform to forum format