PhoenixJ

Do not want to share this. Who does? Not because of shame or guilt. This day I do not have anger or resentments, only sadness and regret. The point is with this knowledge I have a way of moving forward. Perhaps it may be of use.
My story probably started at the moment of conception. Damaged parents, generational alcoholism and depression, separation from parents, bullying, illness blah blah. I went into survival mode from about the age of 4. Having a dysfunctional family life- my maladaptive survival skills (isolation and humour) became my norm. To cope with the bullies who would wait outside my house before school, target me at school then follow me home after school- it became a matter of coping to avoid, isolate- pretend to be, or actually get ill.
This behaviour was reinforced by my family becoming increasingly dysfunctional- my dad, a priest, was alcoholic with depression and had affairs, my bro (middle one) did the angry rebel bit- setting fires, police, alcohol, drugs- bullying me. My oldest bro moved away from our weird family to the city for higher schooling- being at genius level and missed most of this dysfunction. I became my mum's life buddy from the age of 9,so my coping mechanisms became more entrenched. No 'normal' parental guidance.
Then I discovered alcohol. That I was smart and could do well at things given drive and opportunity entered the equation. Alcohol was introduced a reward, as I never got positive affirmations. This prolonged any feelings of self worth. It was used to cope with the negative- on top of isolating, being ill etc. With marriage, career, building the ideal house came responsibility. I had created the life I thought I wanted without having the adult emotional skills to make it work. So alcohol, low self esteem, isolating from family, career- this became my world.
In late 2015 this came to a head when I blacked out with a ciggie in my mouth in my lovely house. The ciggie fell into an open hard plastic splint (for shoulder, fall- booze). It and my clothes caught fire. The splint turned molten. The neighbours heard me screaming. Police, ambulance, emerg services came. I am still paying off the ambulance trip that saved my life. No insurance.
I woke up 4 weeks later in an ICU with 4th degree burns to 20% of the RHS of my body. Skin, flesh, nerve, fat, muscle and bone- burnt. Burns doctors thought I was dead. I nearly died in the ambulance and was clinically dead 3 times on the table. Doctors argued each time if I was worth the effort- given the horrific damage. I was made to look at the photos- I do not even look like a human. Then they had the same arguments (?) about whether to amputate my entire right arm.
My wife refused to be my next of kin and apart from divorce proceedings and demands for money to pay bills to repair a solar power unit on the family home have not heard from her or my 2 adult sons who I miss terribly. My dad died when I was in a coma. I woke up in the same bed in the same ICU my bro who I share a b-day with (not twins) died- being cared for by the same nurse- who I later met at AA meetings. My bro died from multiple organ failure- alcohol about 7 years ago. His family were there at the end. We turned him off and watched him die. A tear came out of one of his comatosed eyes....
I was on dialysis. I had about 20L of various blood product transfusions and was kept alive by IV fluids. There was horrible pain. I had 20 surgical procedures- sometimes daily. I was in such pain I cannot come close to explaining it. I screamed a lot. Having no family support after discharge I ended up in a boarding house with drug dealers, cons on the run from the police, prostitutes addicted to every drug under the sun. I was threatened, robbed numerous times. I was constantly stalked and manipulated by the guy who ran the place. I should have died there and very nearly did. I drank.
About the same time I found SR, I moved to a safe place and my future without any family or friends has gone from hopeless to hopeful to promising. Through very hard work (laced with anger at god- he damaged my family by my existence) my burns have successfully and 'miraculously' healed. I am independent- all be it with significant conditions.
I have been in recovery for13 months- relapsed- stopped drinking 11 months ago, at SR, 9 months. I drank, I had no one- no hope, no clothes- nothing. I drank these last years to seek oblivion, not death- never that. I always have had the spark of surviving. From that hell- with support and facing my fears alone- I reached out. I went to an AA meeting. A more wrecked human could not been seen. Pathetic and broken. My sponsor (now) reached out to me so I took a step, a risk. A compassionate support person in a community service organisation reached out, as did the people at the burns unit. So agonising step after another I started joining the human race. I was in so much pain- I could barely walk. Those days are a living nightmare of flashbacks of death, pain, fire, operating rooms, nightmares, drugs for pain (did not touch it) and hallucinations and very large needles- always needles. Needles meant more pain..sometimes 20 needles a day I still cannot really tell what some scenes are real or not. It does not matter- I accept it and have moved on. Pain is a natural companion which I monitor carefully (with prof. support) with a single antidepressant daily. No more opioids- none since I left hospital. I was in hospital for 3 months. So I have knowledge and work very hard to change my life. Thoughts of drinking do not happen. That did not work and I have moved on. God is there- but I have no spiritual awakening. Everything I do is hard. I grieve my wife, sons, father, brother, my body image , career- what could have been. That is the hard work I do every moment of every day.
Sobriety is first. Without it- if I drink again I will succeed next time and die. That is not going to happen. Pain is irrelevant to me. My scarred body and pain remind me of what I had become. My organic tattoo. With professional support, AA/sponsor, GP- psychologist, counselling, SR and SMART recovery- I maintain sobriety as well as manage my pain and depression. I am growing, actually sleep now without horror. I paint (quite well), I do gym work- where I push myself to relieve the loneliness and am looking to the future by studying to start a new career. I am still lonely and sad, this will be the first Christmas alone- ever. As with pain- loneliness and sadness and anger are just, simply part of life at the moment.
Last year does not count- as I was in hell- but I will fight, sometimes angrily, with stupidity and laughing at myself with absurd humour, or with out success to build a new life alone (here). Life is better. Without sobriety I would have nothing or be dead and then it would not matter. I will keep working, pushing, trying, being angry- getting up and moving forward. This is because I made the simple decision- drink and die. Do not drink and live life. I know what I want and I will get what I need. My own home- with a blue healer, a blue gum, a studio to write and paint and a connection with my community. I still want a life that has my son's in it. That choice is theirs. My priority now is me- my life through sobriety and living it as best I can possibly do. If any who read my story can take something away from it let it be this.
DO NOT DRINK. Embrace your life, take nothing for granted- life is a gift. Do what ever you need to -safely, productively and with support to keep sobriety and live your life- not just 'exist'. I've been to hell and you do not want to go there. Keep reading stories, keep posting, sharing and learning. NEVER give in. May god (such as he is) be with you and my prayers (such as they are worth) be with you all. Do not fall into despair- you are never truly alone. There is ALWAYS hope. Thankyou for reading my narrative. PJ