"My Story - TheGamer"

Old 12-11-2015, 09:02 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Just keep in mind the thought "Everybody is different" when reading this.

I think the perceptual differences I faced while overcoming my dependency was probably the worst symptom aside from the obvious W/D's. When I was still using, I had started to really not care about my sanitation and cleanliness and when it comes to opiates that's just bad news on top of it all. Furthermore my attitude was astoundingly confrontational, where everything felt like some sort of statement against my person or beliefs. Amazingly, all that is just temporary (at least I found it to be).

Rewinding back in time to October, 2014, I had just started school again and had been struggling a lot to keep going. I had planned to get my associates degree by the end of the 2014-2015 school year. I had been avoiding my DoC around that time even still but I was using now and then, mostly because I could not afford the habit any longer. I had a 'friend' (the bad kind) that had left my town, leaving me without any sort of recourse. I had a feeling when I moved back to the country that this situation would ultimately be how I got clean, but I always thought it was just wishful thinking glued together with a wholesale amount of inaction.

Then there was the moment that became a changing point: I had decided to strictly reevaluate my beliefs and thoughts on drug use. It was a quick thought, likely influenced by my state of mind at the time but I had basically decided that I could not be blamed for the humanity of my situation. I could blame myself for using, but dependency had more of a 'human condition' type feel all of the sudden. I quickly changed my tone from "I will never get off this" to "I will get off and stay off the rest of my life."

Blame, or the lack thereof, was ultimately my saving grace. I had also read a book based on a pretty geeky series, anyways the book was called 'The Last Wish', by Andrzej Sapkowski. I just want to share a quote:
“People," Geralt turned his head, "like to invent monsters and monstrosities. Then they seem less monstrous themselves. When they get blind-drunk, cheat, steal, beat their wives, starve an old woman, when they kill a trapped fox with an axe or riddle the last existing unicorn with arrows, they like to think that the Bane entering cottages at daybreak is more monstrous than they are. They feel better then. They find it easier to live.”
I wont go on about it. I had realized that as a part of humanity, I share in the collective fear that we share. I experience the blame the way I feel it's a part of my reality, and I only validate thatfear by telling myself that 'I am a bad person for using'... and so I decided I had to change that way of thinking. I was using the consensus of what good/bad is thought to be when talking about drug use and ignoring the fact that I never once got arrested, put in jail, or in trouble with the law what so ever. As far as 'society' is concerned: I'm a f'in angel.

Now, at Day 399 I find myself at an interesting interlude. I'm between two realities and that sensation is peculiar. My old life, riddled with lies and drug use... verses my new life, sure I'm not 'the best' I've been in my life, but the fact that I'm even putting effort into writing this, just sitting at my computer not worrying about anything. I guess I'm overstating how awesome a normal day can be when you were dependent on opiates for the better part of 4-5 years.

I'll be back in another year to update this thread. Peace, yall!

- TG

edit: updated to look shinier
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