PurpleKnight - My Story (PK - The Early Years)
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PurpleKnight - My Story (PK - The Early Years)
Life was great, I was a 4yr old kid, hanging out with my friends, the day was ours to own, we’d imagine great ships, sailers, forts, plenty of adventures to be had, in our minds, we didn’t worry about life, we lived for the discovery of life here in the present, we hadn’t enough time in the day before bedtime to do all the things we needed to do, the games we needed to play, the excitement that we wanted to have, and in many ways, I wish I could go back to that age of innocence.
But at night time, I would hear them arguing, my parents shouting at each other, alcohol had become part of my life before I even knew it, maybe my dad didn’t like my mum anymore, maybe he didn’t like having kids anymore, myself and my sister, maybe he just looked at his life and wondered surely there was more than this and alcohol was an escape to it all, married in his late 20s, 2 kids by 30, a house, a job, what was there not to like?
High school brought some relief, but I bottled it all up, at school I was a shy kid, never the leader of the gang, always looking to be a part of a group that accepted me, but at home my world was falling a part, my parents finally got separated, there were restraining orders, social workers, but I’ll always remember that question as a 12yr old, which parent would I prefer to live with? My words were uttered in a court room, and I wasn’t even there, it was surreal, but that was and became my normal, my childhood.
My sister eventually moved away for college and it was then only myself and my mum left, I always used to dread Christmas time, she would return and everyone around me would be celebrating being with their family, but I despised the falseness of it all, my family had disintegrated before my eyes, there was nothing left, no family structure, alcohol had taken away a childhood, but as a kid you make the best of it, you get on with it, imagine that everything will work out in the future, surely things couldn’t get any worse?
When I finally went to university, everything I thought would change, freedom from it all, a chance to be myself and meet new people, leave the past behind, up until that point I didn’t drink regularly, my first drink was at 12yrs old, I got drunk with my dad of all people and never went back to it, I was now in my 20s and still teetotal, my parents where finally divorced and I felt like I could start to carve out my own life, but not drinking at college meant I still never fitted in, everyone I associated with drank and partied, I went home early, alone, the friendships I wished for never materialised, I wasn’t part of the group, I graduated, got a job and life went on, 17 years of education and I hadn’t yet picked up a long term friend to speak of, what was wrong with me?
My mid 20s changed everything, somehow I had managed to get into a relationship but that came to an end, I was also in between jobs and maybe like my dad all those years ago, said surely there is more to life? I started drinking for the first time in 15yrs, since my teenage years, I started to go out to bars on weekdays, phone in sick to work, life started to take a downturn, I had no clue as to drinks options, I used to go to random bars and choose something from behind the counter to try, pretend that because I was out on a Saturday night that I was having fun, but I wasn’t, I was looking for something, but always ended up talking to strangers and going home alone.
Alcohol became a means to escape, I was fed up, single, slaving away each day at work, where was my life? was this it? It also was a way to be in a place and pretend I was meeting people, I could go into a bar, sit down on my own and strike up a conversation with people around me, when you loose all hope and respect in yourself, waking up on a drinking buddy’s sofa or floor in the morning and phone into work sick doesn’t register as a problem, in hindsight the spiral of alcohol had begun and I was going down hard.
I eventually settled into a career, the mundaneness of life, get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, is this really what life is all about? All those memories of childhood, at college, this is what it has lead to, alcohol increasingly started to creep slowly into my life, what started out as 2 beers, quickly escalated to a half bottle of whiskey on a work night, weekends and holidays I viewed as an opportunity to have a binge, there was no purpose to it all, other than simply to escape from life and after a while that was what I did every evening.
But alcohol is not a sustainable way forward, slowly the hangovers started to get worse, my work performance began to deteriorate, abdominal pains crept in, and the thoughts of “do I have a problem” entered my mind, and as many of us do we turn to google and search for a justification to continue drinking, SR came top of the results and I signed up, but I didn’t stay, I continued on with my drinking for more than a year before returning, I don’t know whether it was I didn’t have the right resolve to change, whether it was I still wanted to drink, or I hadn't truly accepted that I had a real problem, in hindsight probably a mixture of all three and more.
But I returned one Saturday afternoon in November with my my tail between my legs . . . . .
Continue to Part 2:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5593051
__________________
But at night time, I would hear them arguing, my parents shouting at each other, alcohol had become part of my life before I even knew it, maybe my dad didn’t like my mum anymore, maybe he didn’t like having kids anymore, myself and my sister, maybe he just looked at his life and wondered surely there was more than this and alcohol was an escape to it all, married in his late 20s, 2 kids by 30, a house, a job, what was there not to like?
High school brought some relief, but I bottled it all up, at school I was a shy kid, never the leader of the gang, always looking to be a part of a group that accepted me, but at home my world was falling a part, my parents finally got separated, there were restraining orders, social workers, but I’ll always remember that question as a 12yr old, which parent would I prefer to live with? My words were uttered in a court room, and I wasn’t even there, it was surreal, but that was and became my normal, my childhood.
My sister eventually moved away for college and it was then only myself and my mum left, I always used to dread Christmas time, she would return and everyone around me would be celebrating being with their family, but I despised the falseness of it all, my family had disintegrated before my eyes, there was nothing left, no family structure, alcohol had taken away a childhood, but as a kid you make the best of it, you get on with it, imagine that everything will work out in the future, surely things couldn’t get any worse?
When I finally went to university, everything I thought would change, freedom from it all, a chance to be myself and meet new people, leave the past behind, up until that point I didn’t drink regularly, my first drink was at 12yrs old, I got drunk with my dad of all people and never went back to it, I was now in my 20s and still teetotal, my parents where finally divorced and I felt like I could start to carve out my own life, but not drinking at college meant I still never fitted in, everyone I associated with drank and partied, I went home early, alone, the friendships I wished for never materialised, I wasn’t part of the group, I graduated, got a job and life went on, 17 years of education and I hadn’t yet picked up a long term friend to speak of, what was wrong with me?
My mid 20s changed everything, somehow I had managed to get into a relationship but that came to an end, I was also in between jobs and maybe like my dad all those years ago, said surely there is more to life? I started drinking for the first time in 15yrs, since my teenage years, I started to go out to bars on weekdays, phone in sick to work, life started to take a downturn, I had no clue as to drinks options, I used to go to random bars and choose something from behind the counter to try, pretend that because I was out on a Saturday night that I was having fun, but I wasn’t, I was looking for something, but always ended up talking to strangers and going home alone.
Alcohol became a means to escape, I was fed up, single, slaving away each day at work, where was my life? was this it? It also was a way to be in a place and pretend I was meeting people, I could go into a bar, sit down on my own and strike up a conversation with people around me, when you loose all hope and respect in yourself, waking up on a drinking buddy’s sofa or floor in the morning and phone into work sick doesn’t register as a problem, in hindsight the spiral of alcohol had begun and I was going down hard.
I eventually settled into a career, the mundaneness of life, get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, is this really what life is all about? All those memories of childhood, at college, this is what it has lead to, alcohol increasingly started to creep slowly into my life, what started out as 2 beers, quickly escalated to a half bottle of whiskey on a work night, weekends and holidays I viewed as an opportunity to have a binge, there was no purpose to it all, other than simply to escape from life and after a while that was what I did every evening.
But alcohol is not a sustainable way forward, slowly the hangovers started to get worse, my work performance began to deteriorate, abdominal pains crept in, and the thoughts of “do I have a problem” entered my mind, and as many of us do we turn to google and search for a justification to continue drinking, SR came top of the results and I signed up, but I didn’t stay, I continued on with my drinking for more than a year before returning, I don’t know whether it was I didn’t have the right resolve to change, whether it was I still wanted to drink, or I hadn't truly accepted that I had a real problem, in hindsight probably a mixture of all three and more.
But I returned one Saturday afternoon in November with my my tail between my legs . . . . .
Continue to Part 2:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post5593051
__________________
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