Imagine

I am a son of an alcoholic farther that I didn't know growing up, I was born with a bad heart and had an open heart operation when I was 3, for some reason I blamed myself for my dad leaving us. By time I was 13, having the blame, some abuse and a bad church experience, I just wanted out of this life. I found drugs fell in love with them, and they where my HP until I hit bottom at 39, and that's my war story. When I came in the rooms my whole life was drugs, I had not been apart of the world in many years, my only accomplishments I'd made was to get married and bring 2 kids in the world, and I was no more of a farther then mine was. When I used I wanted to kill myself, when I didn't used that's was all that was on my mind. I took some advice and went into detox for 21 days, In there we was to work on our 1st step only. I played along, yes I'm powerless when I have no drugs-without them my life is unmageable is the way I read it. After a week in there it hit me, I had not been high in 4 days and the only thing I had been taking was a half of a xandex once a day and I was starting to feel good also. I started to believe I might be powerless over my addiction, if the only way I can make it thru the day without using is to be locked up. Went to my first NA meeting while in there, heard my story more then once that night, the only one person I talked too gave me his phone # for when I got out and I ever needed to talk or a way to a meeting to call him any time day or night. The day I got out I was scared to go out of the house I knew where I would go, not having caller ID at the time I was scared to answer the phone, scared it might be a using friend, I was even scared to call that NA guy, what if he was full of grap and just hangs up on me. For the first week the only way I went out was for my wife to drive me to a meeting, and at that time AA was the only meeting in town. After that week I went back to work and felt good about myself, so good infact I bought a OZ cause I had no problem with pot. I started going to meetings every night, never said anything my mind was on that joint in the ashtray of my car. And that's how it went for three months, went on newyears eve I found myself lock in a motel room all along except for a whole lot of crack and alcohol and weed. I'd took all what little money I had that was suppost to pay bills and put food on the table and blew every penny on a high. The next morning I was broke hung over and out of dope, with an overwhelming desire to blow my brain all over that room, think GOD I had no gun. That morning was 1/1/96, I was at that AA meeting that night and I stood up and said "My name is Jerome, I'm powerless over my addiction, and my life is unmanageable-PLEASE HELP ME." nobody told me anything like "this is AA" or anything like that, I think everyone at the meeting hug me, and it's a big meeting, and for the first time in my life I felt that I belonged. I went on not using found a sponsor that got me started on my steps, it didn't work out with him and I droped him. Found my 2nd sponsor that I've had now for almost 6 and a 1/2 years now. When I told him this story he said well sounds like your ready the go on to step 2. When we got on thru the 12th step he said now lets go back and learn how your going to apply this to your life, we did the same with the traditions, I wish I could say I never used again, but that's not the case. At 3 and a 1/2 years I felt the need to update my story, just to find out what they say is true, this program will mess up your buzz. I made it back in, my sponsor didn't drop me, instead he told me you gave 100% to your program just to fall on your face, so now we are going for 110%. My life is still no bed of roses, but nobody said it would be. One day at a time, I do like myself now. One day at a time, I do accept life on it's own terms. One day at a time, I do fit in and I do belong, and I am Loved. Today I am a GREATFUL RECOVERING ADDICT NAME JEROME.....................................Peace.