Ngokpa/My Story
 

Without the Big Book

One day years ago a friend said to me "Why don't you go to an AA meeting. It might be fun." So I went. I thought it was quaint. Then I went home and drank and felt smug.

A few weeks later I was lying on the floor one day, feeling ready to be taken out with the garbage. I thought "Maybe I should go to AA." Then I thought "Naaa, that place is completely bizarre." Then suddenly it started to sound like a good idea.

I didn't know if I was an alcoholic or not. I drank a lot, but I had my reasons. I was in pain, emotionally and physically, and was pretty isolated. I had already had a lot of therapy. I thought the 90 meetings in 90 days idea was intriguing--something like a science experiment. I ended up going to a lot more than that. I quit smoking at the same time. The changes I went through was a convincer.

But there was a problem. Somebody said to read the Big Book, so I did. I had a really bad reaction to it. I thought "No use reading the Big Book if it's going to get me drunk." Then I thought "You know, my life really depends upon these guys, and I'm about to alienate them. How do I get out of this one?" And from somewhere some answers came to me: "Easy does it. One day at a time." "Be willing to go to any lengths."

Part of the problem is I have a history of emotional problems related to verbal abuse. I flipped out in high school largely due to stuffing my emotions; and now the Big Book seemed to be advocating it, or at least that's how I took it. Besides, I just didn't relate. I hadn't had DT's or blackouts, and was mostly a pothead before I was mostly a drunk.

But much of the folk wisdom of AA rang true: "Sober up a horse thief and you'll get a sober horse thief," and "Don't drink even if your ass falls off." And I knew I was pretty crazy.

I took what I needed and left the rest. I went to meetings whether I wanted to or not. I prayed for guidance, sometimes "To whom it may concern," and started to meditate. I did 12th step work. I picked up an outside book on alcoholism I could relate to, and whether I was more of an alcoholic or a pothead seemed unimportant.

When I hit a year I thought "Is this it?" I was still pretty alienated. At many of the meetings I felt invisible. But I was willing to go to any lengths. I wound up at a Buddhist place and got a meditation instructor, and before long had found a spiritual path I really related to.

One of the things I didn't like about the Big Book was the line "Basically our problems are of our own making," because of the abuse issues. But in Buddhism I heard "Drive all blames into one," the one being "ego clinging." We're not bad, but we do get stuck.

When I hit two years I still felt crazy. I saw a nutritionist, and somehow ended up in therapy. I was doing a 4th step at the time, and the therapist said "That's the real therapy." I saw her for years, spending money I would have otherwise used on a car. I went to Al-Anon as well, dealing with family issues that were at the core of my addiction.

One thing has lead to another, and now I have 32 years.

For me AA has been a mixed bag. Many seem to think there's only one way to work the program; meanwhile many don't relate to the literature. There are many in the rooms who are still unfriendly, but I don't take it so personally. I think we all need to find a way to work with the underlying issues, and there are various ways to do that. I've been involved in the Buddhist recovery movement, and meditation is a fabulous resource, especially when you know how and have the support.

I was at a meeting recently where we read an article by Bill W called "Let's be friendly with our friends." He said that the vast majority of alcoholics don't get into recovery; meanwhile, other groups (professional or not) have come along. They're bound to make mistakes just as AA has; but if they can have a positive impact, more power to 'em.

Whatever works.