jsdgirl

Hey, everyone! Well, I've learned that I was an addict long before I picked up any type of drug-the actually drug use started when I was 11yrs old. I remember like it was yesterday because it was my brother's 16th birthday and we went riding in his new car and smoked a joint. After that I only did it every now and then until I was about 15, it was everyday. And it didn't stop with a joint. By the time I graduated from high school, I had tried every drug that was available in 1993 atleast once and most likely twice because there wasn't anything I tried I didn't like. I had a high school sweetheart that didn't use drugs or drink but was very well off and would get me whatever type of drugs I wanted. I failed a couple of times and had to go to summer school but didn't think anything of it. It wasn't until I got pregnant that I thought maybe I have a problem because I tried to stop using and couldn't. My child was put up for adoption after a long hard delivery due to my cocaine use. He was 11 years old last month and to this day I have never laid eyes on him. I moved away from my family and friends at the time, calling myself getting my life together but it only got worse. I spent the next 2 years using up all of my savings my father had left me in his will, cocaine, pot, X, you name it! It wasn't until a few years later that I started trying something different, valium, codeine, oxycodone, morhphine, etc..... It was cheaper and legal to obtain so I thought I woud try something "new" I ended up meeting my boyfriend/fiancee of 6 years, tried to stop but couldn't, had a job tranfer about 100 miles away and deceided this was what I needed. Space from my relationship, new town, new friends----------yeah,new drugs! I really didn't find anything new, just more connections and I used them to the best of my ability. I started doing X and coke on a regular on top of my pain pills and alcohol. I separted myself from my boyfriend, my family, everything. After Over dosing and ending up in the hospital to find that I was 4 months pregnant and had lost the baby, I withdrew myself from my relationship without telling him. We played phone tag for months and eventually I gave up. It wasn't until a year or two later I got caught calling in scripts for myself that I surrended. I checked myself into a hospital, moved closer to family and real friends (NA), went to a treatment center, got out of a relationship that I couldn't and didn't want anymore and cried for help. As I write this, I can't help but cry. I find myself filled with so much gratitude and emotion when it comes to this program because without it I woud be dead. I know I would, I wouldn't have stopped. I was in a circle all by myself and I didn't think anyone cared whether I lived or died. Today I stand in a circle atleast once a day and say the serenity prayer with people I know love and care about me. Active addiction caused me to lose my self respect, my child, my family, my relationship, my job, everything that cared about but I didn't have enough in me using to care about myself. Today, I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, I look forward to one day having a family, my ex-will always be a friend, and I have my self respect back. I have more today than I ever thought would have been possible and this ride of recovery that i was put on but chose to stay on, is going to take me a long way as long as I keep my head up and believe that a power greater than myself is willing to guide me in my recovery.