BustedFlat

Started drinking harmlessly as a young adult, initially as a teen ritual of passage and later as an add-on while socializing to make me feel more confident. I used to sweat profusely under my arms when I was around lots of other people. Didn't realize just how wound up I was growing up. Mother passed away with cancer when I was 18 and I had a functioning alcoholic as a Dad but didn't realize it until I was a teenager. Turns out my grandfather was one as well. My Dad simply like to drink himself to sleep every night after 5:00 pm, and I followed nicely in his footsteps. In retrospect, I really enjoyed the buzz booze and drugs provided me, just loved the trip, loved the altered state. Alcohol, weed, ecstacy, acid, crystal, we did it all (although I never stuck a needle in my arm). Placed myself at a younger age in jobs such as bar tending and surrounded myself later in life with like kind individuals so that the drinking, drugs and partying were considered normal and constant. All around me relative high functioning alcoholics and recreational drug users as I grew into my forties, some very successful and well thought of in the community. Didn't think anyone was doing anything out of the ordinary.
As I've gotten older, I've been successful in my career and personal life and otherwise in every area. I think I have been very happy. But the excessive drinking continued and worsened and I couldn't understand why because everything else was so good. Began to develop diabetes and high blood pressure. Tried to stop drinking and couldn't. Tried over and over again so many times that I would simply ignore it after awhile and attempt to convince myself that it was ********, that I was just fine. Realized that I had for years been putting away at least 2 bottles of wine or half a bottle of bourbon each night, often drinking myself into a ********* stupor sitting by myself on the couch before bed, but after the kids were asleep. Realized that I was losing my health and memory and raising my kids in an environment that was suddenly exactly how I was raised. I was losing control of my life everyday after 5:00 pm. Sometimes drinking at 3:00 pm on and if I were off early for the day, to the point where I would pour my first drink into a coke can and pick my son up from school in the carpool line. Crazy.
It took me several years to go full circle regarding when I KNEW I needed to quit relative to the point that I DID quit, but I did it with no help from anyone other than deep reflection on my own part and trying to understand how I got there in the first place.
Best thing that ever happened to me was learning about the term "Functioning" alcoholic, the role of genetics, and making a stand that my problem was NOT a disease, but a habit. A routine.
In the end, I realized that my problem was based upon years of well-developed drinking/using routines, a genetic inclination to fall prey to alcoholism and a realization that there was never, ever, ever going to be a happy ending if I continued to drink.
My personal reflection in understanding how I ended up in my predicament led me to quantify my own self worth as a human being; that my children and family and friends need me to be at my sharpest, my clearest, in order to give to them what they deserve from me.

I have been without a sip or any desire to drink since July 7, 2012. Turned 50 the other day. I believe my maturity in age has helped me somewhat; drinking does become a bit of a "been there done that" thing. I'm enjoying rediscovering the person I was before I drank, realizing that that guy is still around, he just checked out for awhile...good luck to each and every one of you.