The other half of the dotster's story
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Join Date: Oct 2003
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The other half of the dotster's story
well lets see ... its been 16 and a half months since i used anything. they have been pretty good. the first four months, however, were not so good. i was still paranoid and nutso. i was aggressive and id explode at the drop of a hat. i found a 12 step group that i liked, and i attended that group until about my one year when we parted ways for stupid reasons.
i had become very dependent on that group now that i look at it, and i think that was not healthy for me. well, i have been on this site every day since october 03, and i suppose that is not entirely healthy either ... however, i have learned a lot from the group and from this site. my time with the group is over now and perfect timing for me. im beginning to do things on the same night with people my age ... like bible study.
there have been lots of changes ... so many sometimes i dont even recognize myself anymore. but that is cool! its a fresh start, a new beginning. i have decided that in order to treat my ocd, ive got to be medicated. so that really helps with the insanity.
many times ive almost used again. its blindsided me and i dont even notice that im headed toward a relapse ... but luckily ive bucked up and said "no" even when things have seemed hopeless. truly, things do not get better with a substance.
right now, im living in a not great atmosphere, but im sticking it out because i know it will get better. well, no ... it probly wont get better, but i will grow stronger and be able to make good decisions for myself regardless of the BS going on.
this past 16 months has been filled with a lot of sadness as well as happiness. deaths and tragedies that i blame myself for. ive opened my eyes to certain things by using and living on the streets. i see what goes on on a daily basis and it hardens my heart at times and makes me angry. but, its cool because im learning to function in the midst of the chaos. i pass by homeless vagrants and see familiar faces and it is just sad. pass by familiar faces getting arrested. pass by familiar faces involved in serious "accidents".
that is not me anymore, and now its about finding out who i am. thanks for letting me share.
i had become very dependent on that group now that i look at it, and i think that was not healthy for me. well, i have been on this site every day since october 03, and i suppose that is not entirely healthy either ... however, i have learned a lot from the group and from this site. my time with the group is over now and perfect timing for me. im beginning to do things on the same night with people my age ... like bible study.
there have been lots of changes ... so many sometimes i dont even recognize myself anymore. but that is cool! its a fresh start, a new beginning. i have decided that in order to treat my ocd, ive got to be medicated. so that really helps with the insanity.
many times ive almost used again. its blindsided me and i dont even notice that im headed toward a relapse ... but luckily ive bucked up and said "no" even when things have seemed hopeless. truly, things do not get better with a substance.
right now, im living in a not great atmosphere, but im sticking it out because i know it will get better. well, no ... it probly wont get better, but i will grow stronger and be able to make good decisions for myself regardless of the BS going on.
this past 16 months has been filled with a lot of sadness as well as happiness. deaths and tragedies that i blame myself for. ive opened my eyes to certain things by using and living on the streets. i see what goes on on a daily basis and it hardens my heart at times and makes me angry. but, its cool because im learning to function in the midst of the chaos. i pass by homeless vagrants and see familiar faces and it is just sad. pass by familiar faces getting arrested. pass by familiar faces involved in serious "accidents".
that is not me anymore, and now its about finding out who i am. thanks for letting me share.
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