TheEnd

On August 9th, 2010 I woke up in a hospital with a collar around my neck, unaware of how or why I had gotten there. My partner and 2 friends were standing next to me and they wanted me to answer questions about the accident. What accident? That’s when I remembered that afternoon I had been driving around drinking in the car and smoking weed. This had been the end result of a 4 day binge, something that had become quite regular in my life at this point. They kept saying I was lucky I didn’t get a DUI, but little did they know, that would come later. A couple of hours later I was released and I went home and promptly made myself a scotch.

Two days later I went to see a lawyer and he called the detective on the case to find out the details. I remember that moment till this day. He got off the phone and said in a very somber voice, “The detective was not in, but that was traffic homicide on the phone and the only reason they would be involved is if somebody died. I’m sorry somebody died.” I saw my whole life flash before my eyes. Looking at a second DUI and vehicular manslaughter, how did it come to this point?

Rewind a year earlier, it was the happiest time in my life. I had graduated with my Master’s in Counseling and I was looking forward to a new career. This is also when my drinking and drug use took a dramatic turn. I started going on these 2-3 day binges, fueled with alcohol and cocaine and whatever other drugs I could get my hands on. It didn’t matter, I loved all drugs and my behavior became reckless. Drinking and doing cocaine at work, drinking in the car, stealing drugs from people, sneaking drinks, you name it, I did it. Before this time, I would only have a bad episode every couple of months so it wasn’t a big deal, but now it was a once a month, then twice a month, then it was like all the time. My partner told me I needed to get help or get out, so I decided to attend NA meetings. This was October of 2009. I went, but I wasn’t interested in recovery or stopping. I couldn’t see a life without drugs or alcohol. That life was no life for me. All I was interested in doing was pacifying my partner and controlling my sporadic binges. Somewhere along the way I switched from NA to AA, because I had gotten so intoxicated at their holiday party and couldn’t show my face there again. Not that this made a difference, because like I said, I wasn’t interested in stopping.

Fast forward back to the lawyer’s office. I left the office and went home thinking my life was over. A couple of hours later, I got a call from the lawyer telling me nobody died and the only reason traffic homicide was involved was because they were in the area. I was looking at a DUI with property damage, but needed to wait for the BAC results to confirm this. Despite all this, the prospect of losing my job and this second DUI, I still wasn’t ready to quit. I continued to drink for a couple more weeks until another binge happened and by then I had finally had enough.

So I went back to AA, got a sponsor, started working the steps and attending the meetings regularly. My life started to pick up and I was optimistic about the future, despite the impending DUI charges. Three months later in November, my BAC results came in and my BAC was .358. The lawyer said I was lucky to be alive, although it didn’t feel that way. So I was charged with DUI with property damage and surrendered to the police, but this didn’t bother me because I was sober and knew this would be the last time I would ever be in this position in my life.

Fast forward 3 months, I was a couple of weeks from picking up my 6 month chip. However, at this time I was having trouble staying sober. You see although I had stopped drinking, my partner and all my friends were still drinking their heart out. My foundation of sobriety wasn’t strong enough and I started building up resentments. So one day I was at my friend’s house and swiped several bottles of Valium, since they had a running prescription. I knew I couldn’t drink anymore, but thought this would be the easier softer way.

The Valium was a Godsend, but one day it didn’t work the way it had in the past and that’s when I went for the liquor. Downing it like it was water. My thirst for this substance was limitless. After 3 days of non-stop drinking and drug use, my friends got tired of me and dropped me off at detox. After 4 days of detox I was out and a couple of hours later I was high on Valium and drinking again. My therapist immediately Baker Acted me, but I was released that night and back to my drinking and Valium. Two days later I was Baker Acted again by the cops after passing out in my friend’s driveway after drinking a liter of scotch. The next day I was out and back to drinking after attending an AA meeting. The next day I went back to detox and then to Rehab and that’s when real recovery started to take place. This relapse had lasted for 10 days. I remember in Rehab I was looking in the mirror and I saw myself becoming nothing in life and knew I had to take this stuff seriously or it would be the end of my life as a I knew it. I was on a quest to get that 6 month chip that I had missed by a couple of weeks and to start a new life for myself.

My sobriety date is February 21, 2011. Today my life is better than ever. I finally have my dream job, working on my PhD in Counseling, and run marathons and half marathons in my spare time. I have since left AA, because I felt the program was too constraining and limiting. I have no formal program. Recovery has become a part of my life. I believe that everything I do from working on my PhD to training for marathons, contributes to my continued sobriety.

I have been to hell and back. With sobriety anything is possible. I hope my story is an inspiration to someone else.