Omega10

Please forgive the length of my post. I originally wrote it as a blog entry, but thought I would share it in the forums.
My hope is that the post will provide inspiration to those of you who are starting your journey.
---------------------------------
On this date two years ago, I never imagined I would be where I am today. I remember those early days so well. I remember how sick I was, how scared I was, and how overwhelmed I was. It felt like I was standing at the bottom of a mountain looking up and wondering how I would scale the cliff faces that were staring at me with their evil eyes. All of them daring reinforce the question I was asking myself:

Can I really go the rest of my life without a drink?

I don't know about the rest of my life - I stopped worrying about the future a long time ago. I had to in order to save myself. But for today and for the foreseeable future, I can honestly say that the answer to that question is:

YES I CAN!

I learned many, many things over the past two years; one of which is the following mantra that I have adopted for myself:

I cannot change my past.
I cannot control my future.
I cannot control other people.
All I can do is control how I react to what is happening to me in this exact moment.

So in keeping with my mantra, I must say enough with talking about the past and enough with speculating about the future. What is happening with me today?

I got up early this morning and went to the early service at church. Part of today's sermon paraphrased the question in the reading "Can anything good come out of Nazareth" only he said to swap out the word Nazareth and insert a different word:

"Can anything good come out of me?"

I asked myself this very question two years ago, and countless times since then. So far the answer is:

Yes

I dug way way deep and found the good in me. I know myself way more today than I have for the last 40+ years of my life. I learned that sometimes things just really are not in my power. But I had to build the trust that it would work out for the better, no matter how disappointed I was at the time. In doing so I have become more in tune with the universe around me, and find the good that I see around me. It's hard in the beginning because we are trying to rescue ourselves from the abyss of negativity in which we have become so comfortable. We are so focused on the waves crashing around us that we sometimes cannot see the life preserver that is being thrown to us - that if we muster just a tiny bit more strength & courage, and ride the wave just a little bit further, the preserver is floating right there for us to grab on and save ourself.

Every day I heal another wound from my past. I try my best to practice a piece of advice Dee gave to me in my early recovery when I was having a particularly upsetting day:

Let.it.go.

Two years ago I gave up drinking. Everything had to change. I lost my social life, and I lost some people whom I thought were my friends. In place of this, I found a peace I have been searching for my whole life. I allow myself to feel anger and disappointment, I just don't allow them to consume me the way I used to. I analyze the situation, see what I am doing that goes against the mantra I wrote up above, own my part of what is wrong with the situation, deal with myself, then let.it.go.

I feel joy in living life how "the normal people live it". I feel joy in brushing and flossing my teeth before bed. I feel joy whenever I toss the "science experiments" that have been growing in my fridge for a few weeks into the garbage. I smile every morning when I am on the train to work ready to start my day without a hangover and lack of sleep.

In the beginning I felt like I gave up a whole lot. Today I feel like I have gained so much more.

As great as everything is right now, I still have some more healing to do mainly centred around relationships. It's nothing I didn't already know, I've been trying for a year or so to figure out what my problem is and how to deal with it. A few days ago I was outside having a smoke while on my break from work and was thinking about relationships. A new way of looking at my problem popped into my head: "My desire for a relationship has to be greater than my fear of getting hurt". So what am I afraid of and how do I get past my fear?

That's the question that still has yet to be answered. That's where I am at today. I know it will take some time to get beyond my fear, but I have the rest of my life to do it, and with my new found peace, I also have the patience to do it. It took 40+ years to create this problem, so resolving it won't be done overnight. So for today, I'm just going to do the best that I can because that is all I can ask of myself.

It's still relatively early in the day here in the T-dot, so I have the rest of the day to celebrate my second anniversary. I'm going to do so by going to the grocery store and then cooking my meals for the week. I'll wash my floors, clean my kitchen & bathroom, and run a couple loads of laundry through the washer. Two years ago I would have said "well that's not a very good way to celebrate - what's wrong with you?"

Today I choose to celebrate it in this manner because as weird as it sounds, this is the life I dreamed of having. This is the life I have built. I am going to enjoy it to the fullest in the best way that I know how. Nothing else will give me a greater joy.

I can't give enough thanks to everyone who has helped me throughout my journey thus far - I wouldn't have made it without your words of encouragement, guidance, and inspiration.

I hope that I can now pay it forward and help the next generation of newly sober people with my own words of encouragement, guidance, and inspiration.

I would like to leave the following words of wisdom written by Sandra King that I found this week, partly because I think they will help everyone reading this post, and partly because I don't want to lose this quote. But mainly I am leaving it because of the beauty that is contained in the message:

When things fall apart, consider the possibility that life knocked it down on purpose.
Not to bully you, or to punish you,
but to prompt you to build something that better suits your personality and your purpose.
Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together.

May the year ahead bring peace, good health, and much happiness!