Gooch

I won't go into sharing all the drugs I did .. This is where we post our recovery stories?

Suffice it to say that I grew up after Woodstock and my peer group were late blooming, flower children, anarchist, bikers .so there was no shortage or any availability limitations.
I graduated Regents in 1976 and went to a technical college. I have had a myriad of jobs/careers.. all the way from washing dishes to electromechanical /systems operation,diagnostics and repair. I was married, became a father, and divorced in the space of 2 years in the mid 80's. The birth of my daughter played a big part in shattering the wall of denial I had built.


Minute by minute.. thats the way I remember white knuckling for nearly the first 2 years. They say Just for Today! I had to say in my head Just for right the f**k now, I am not gonna pick up the first one. Just for this minute I am not even gonna leave the house because I dunno if I can stay away from the dealers door.


In 1988 when I went to my first out patient treatment (and subsequently my first NA meeting shortly after) , and then after getting high again, an inpatient treatment center.... (I stayed clean there a month) and then back to meetings.

I spent hrs on the phone with people and went to 2 or 3 meetings a day, got involved with service, and got a sponsor that I called every day. And I still found myself sneaking over to the bar "just to say hi to old friends" ( then next thing I knew I was picking up another white chip at a meeting) .. I began to believe that what addicts ( the ones that had a few years) were sharing about changing people, places, and things, might be true... so I kept telling myself Just for right now I won't even look at the bar even if I have to drive by it, I won't talk to anyone that I used with..( then I made an exception to that rule and decided it was ok for me to hang around with 1 old friend who "managed" his addiction" well ok I will make it 2 since they both work and have families they will be ok for me to be around) .. Finally in 1990 I decided that I didn't want to go to NA meetings anymore because there was a guy that had 3 years and I had made the mistake of thinking he was something special.. He tried to help me and we got to be friends. But he was a human being and made mistakes... and when I repeatedly saw his mistakes I remember thinking "If I am going to be like that in at 3 years clean ...well I guess I don't need these meetings anymore..."

so I stopped going... never mind the fact that I wasn't even able to stay clean for more than 6 months while I was attending meetings and doing my damndest to change people, places and things... within 6 months I was arrested again .. this time a predicate felony and for a year while I was waiting to go to court with the posibility of doing 1 1/3 to 4 years in prison I kept using.. and I knew it was no fun anymore..it wasn't working.. I knew too well that there was anothet way to live I won't lie.. at that time I still liked everything about drugs ...EXCEPT what they were doing to me .. I was still infatuated with the music, and vocabulary, ... at the same time I was starting to recognize just how far away from where I wanted to be I was heading. I started to see that the first 3 steps could momentarily help me when and if I looked them in my life. There were days I didn't get high because I admitted to myself I had no control, and that there was agreater force that could help me so I asked that power to help me stay clean.. Later in the day when I craved I would ask that power again .. and on those days I kept turning it over I didn't use.
There was another guy that had moved near me and he kept stopping by to ask how I was doing. ( I had dragged him to a meeting before I stopped going and he stayed and kept going.. he stayed clean too.)

He came to see me before I went for sentencing and told me that he had been praying for me right along.. that people missed me at the meetings and that he hoped I would come back some day.

On Feb 2 1991 I went to court and was sentenced to 6 mos. in county jail.... for a predicate felony that should have carried a minimum 1 1/3 sentence ..There was an old friend of mine that I remembered had the same thing happened, called an attorney and got the sentence rescinded because they had "undersentenced" him. I remember struggling with the idea that I might be able to do the same thing.. but it didn't feel right.. it felt like I was still trying to lie and cheat my way out of my consequences so I prayed on it and decided to leave things as they had turned out. My friend has been in and out of jails and prison his whole life. In the last 10 years he has been in and out the rooms a few times.. I hope he finds his way.

I haven't used since the day before the day I went to court.. 2/1/91 ..I made it to an NA meeting the first day I got out of jail and got involved again. I learned that addicts in recovery were just like addicts that used except for a few differences... they tried their darndest to practice honesty, openmindedness, and willingness to the best of their ability and they believed that as long as they did they never had to use again. They have helped me remember that no matter what life throws at us, drugs are at best a temporary solution to a permanent problem. There are no saints, lengths of clean time are just that and the only thing that time gives any of us is the experience of living without drugs. having a great job, good health, a loving family, and a secure future are not guarantees of staying clean nor signs of recovery. The odds of having these things seems to be higher with recovery than addiction. No one can give or take away my recovery. I work for it and earn my own rewards. There are unlimited possibilities... and the greatest are spiritual in nature. thats what NA has taught me .. there is no greater reward or repayment than doing the best we can to help other addicts get and stay clean.

In recovery I have had lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise.

Dreams and possibilities:

Finished the college degree I had walked away from in 1979.
Became humble enough to hold menial jobs even though I have a degree..
Paid my bills on time and build my credit.
Start a retirement fund.
Spend way too much on material posessions only to learn the hard way that happiness isn't about what you have it's about who you have... and you don't have anyone without having yourself and a God of your understanding.
Rebuilt relationships with family and a few old friends .
Crash my motorcycle and face my mortality clean.
Lose a career position after 10 years and learn to live within my means again.
Struggle in and out of relationships for 10 years before learning that the value of love begins with friendship and lives in the moment.

Most recently I have had to work the steps with my finacial situation.. For some strange reason my way was only gonna get me so far? I'm still stubborn with many things..
I finally admitted, came to believe, asked for help and did a 4th and 5th step with the debt consolidation company.. It looks like if I follow through minute by minute I can be out of debt and stay that way within 3 years.

The list goes on and on.. I offer a sample only because I remember that I needed to hear what people got out of recovery.


I think it's important to mention that there have been a few times in the last 12 nearly 13 years because of accidents or health concerns that I have had to choose to take prescription drugs. Every time this has been the situation, I have got to a meeting and made some calls to tell other addicts that I'm holding. I talk to my sponsor about it and as soon as I am able I stop taking them.. and yes I have to go through a physical withdrawl. Even at a week or 2 weeks later I can still tell that there is something pulling me. My attitudes and behaviours get twitchy? ..

It's also important to mention that although I have long term abstinance from the drugs, the attitudes and behaviours of addiction are still very close at hand and can ruin my day if I let them. In the traditions they speak of vigilance.. I hope that I learn to be ever vigilant although that may not be a reality.. other members I ask say that they still carry their disease with them and it sneaks a peek whenever they get off guard. We mutually agree that our guard becomes a more instinctual process with time and it gets simpler to see the sneak attacks coming before they do the spiritual damage that takes us back to the drugs.


I count my clean time from feb 2 to remind me of a few things.. I had 1 day clean (and that's all any of us ever has) and I surrendered my freedom that day. I gave up my physical freedom for surrender to my higher power and spiritual freedom. It reminds me that I can stay clean no matter what Just For Right Now!

More is and will be revealed!