brigitta

Finding my way back....


I grew up in church and I got saved when I turned thirteen, God had called me at an early age but as I got older and rebellious I fell into activites that had me grounded and punished from my parents, they were very strict and because of this every time I would manipulate them to go out, I would often get in trouble but I enjoyed every minute of it.



My father would exert his authority over me and this began the rest of my days afraid of any authority and not saying no to anyone no matter what it was..I was intimidated,withdrawn and put to shame until I really beleived I was a mistake that God possibly couldnt have a plan for my life.




I was a average student and very self conscious, was teased a lot in class, I began drinking when I went out at age 14 & this really got me out of my shell & to like “bad boys’ and one captured my heart and drew me into his dark world, but my father had control over me more or less and kept me at bay and I searched for a way out by going out and finally marrying another young man(16) & I the tender age of 16 and boy did I want out, six months after our wedded bliss he run away with a preachers wife, sounds like a novel don’t it?



This broke my heart and I lost a lot of weight, (1st divorce)but after about a year I run into my old flame and we began dating and this would lead me down a road I would not wish on my worst enemy. We lived together for years..then we got married!! I was so counseled not to go through with it-did I listen? Nope I just was going to do it to spite them & deceiving myself that I can "Change him" what a fool...my my- the things I have learned now..wow!!




Learning how to use drugs, & party hard was enjoyable at the time, until God began convicting me of my sins and drawing me back to Him, He never let me go, my conscience began to bother me badly and no matter how much I used I could never get high enough to drown out His voice.



In fact I got worse, I began doing things for drugs and that made me feel dirty and disgusting, I was abused in all manners from drug pushers, users and most especially the man I married…I ended up pregnant but not for him and this began my road to recovery and restoration with God, although immature I thought going to church would end my desire for drugs or fix all what was wrong with me, little did I know what addiction really was like.



I had left the man I married several times over the past 15 years and each reconciliation did not make things better, I grew weary of struggling as a single mother and his money would draw me in every time and after about three months of white knuckling each time I ended up using because he never stopped, He hid it for a while but eventually it came out. He helped me raise another mans son but always threw it in my face like he done no wrong.




Each separation from him I stayed clean 4 yrs,then 5yrs and the last reconciliation my sobriety lasted 6 months, I got worse,I left him for good,I dont why I stayed I did not love him,in hindsight its doing the same thing over & over expecting different results.Actually I was only married by law more then I had lived with him,it was so dysfunctional I hated it and I knew deep down in order for my life to change I had to let go...but I was afraid of change.



I dont think I knew what love was I was just searching for acceptance so I went away to rehab in 2003 and graduated a year long program where I ended up pregnant ten years after the birth of my son and hundred pounds lighter...one more time believing the sweet lies of a man taking advantage of my vulnerability and me being a island woman got his attention until he got me pregnant & he wanted to pay for the abortion then reality hit,I was off that infatuated bliss right quick!



I resented being pregnant,gaining all the weight I worked so hard to lose..but oh well its either gaining weight or aborting the baby and I was no murderer. I cant imagine life without her now.



I lived in guilt and false guilt over issues that I thought I could not change.Thinking that something was always wrong with me,that I am suppose to be perfect with a perfect body,family,perfect husband,I am suppose to be a perfect wife..white picket fence..blah blah blah..oh the things fairy tales are made off and others perception of what Eden is like would make me feel worse.



This I realized not only was I addicted to drugs & in searching for love and acceptance I thought a man would fill my emptiness not aware that only God can fulfill my deepest longings not people, places or things.



Over the years the clean time I had without a 12 step program and support from those like me only succeeded in continued immaturity and dry drunks. Thinking that church and religion would make everything go away.




In 2007 my father passed away and I relapsed for 3 months after a 4 year sobriety and this was the worst yet, I could not understand why I felt like I did all the time, angry, resentful and all those negative emotions that began somewhere back there as a child.



I didn’t want to deal with the pain of death and burying my father felt like a relief that I no longer had to be subjected to his ridicule and his drunken tirades.Even after he sobered up even after 18 years of sobriety he died a dry drunk and all those around him was subject to them.



Then I felt guilty over that, I loved him how can I feel this way about my father? Well it wasn’t long how I felt about my Mother was far worse and I am still dealing with these issues. My siblings and other family had issues with me as I had with them, a little restoration at a time with each one, but a few I found its best to leave things alone.



I knew that deep down somehow I had to find out the matter of myself and see how to change it, if it could be changed and if it couldn’t would I be able to accept it. but first and foremost I had to learn to love myself before I could do any healing and reaching out to others.



God knew all the church rhetoric I heard all my life the traditions,the learned behaviours that seemed like gospel and written in stone and He brought me through the doors of AA in 2008..here I began to love, here I have found myself, who I am and why I am like I am and what I can fix, what I cant.Here I can work on me so I can share by expierence,strength and above all hope to others.



This time it was doing something different and an overwhelming desire to stop giving my past,people and pain power ,the more I released this bondage the freer I became,this is an ongoing process, with each issue I deal with an awareness is there that it can change,or I can accept what cant change and make wise choices to guide everything I do.My drug of choice was cocaine/crack but not limited to, there was alcohol and cold medicines as well.




God never left me, I left Him and He has taught me more about faith and trust in Him then all my years going to church. I go to church now but this time its with a different out look of God and who He is as my Father and counselor. There are no words to express how I feel about the Lord. The ocean were it ink could never cease to write enough about the love of God.



The Bahamas is not spared the affects of drug addiction bringing into our lives destruction and chaos whomever it touches. I am so ever grateful to have my kids by my side, a car to drive, a job to pay the bills, health in my body, clothes on our backs, support from my AA group and church. Our island is so small we have only AA meetings twice a week but there are those of us that are NA we are all meet together at the AA place as well & we use the same criteria of the 12 steps and traditions.



The best gift I can say that I have received this time around is awareness. Awareness that God gives me is what keeps me sober, and keeps me the right way when I am about to walk the wrong way. I can make choices but if I am unsure I have those I can relate and ask if this is the right way? or how would they respond in my shoes?



There is something we call "The Committee" hundreds of voices(I dunno how many you have)but mine at times never shuts up seems the senate,congress,all invite the president to make bunch of noise and confusion in my head..full of what ifs, buts,whys,when,where,how,me,me,me,me!!! Blah blah blah....When I started to spill the beans and share the less power they hold over me and now when they crank up the coffee pot ..I know what I need to do to stop it or go tone deaf on them(lol).



When I "ALLOW" this committee to take presidance not only does it wear me out emotionally but the physical weariness puts me in my bed for hours drained of all that chatter in my head.



Believe me I still have my days when I am jumping from one mood to the other,when insecurites arise and I dunno what to do with myself but I know if I stay focused on the now,I will get past it.










I have opened up out of this introverted shell and took back my power that others had over me, the past had over me and what I even took from myself. The chasing of others approval as been lifted, I can set boundaries and work to keep them knowing I deserve rights too and I am a productive member of society.






I have gifts that come into my life by this I mean situations will present itself to give me courage to stand up for myself, to teach me how to react, how to show tolerance and love. Some of these gifts are not welcoming at all but without them I will not change and I will live in confusion, resentment & close mindedness.



People, places and things all have their seasons in my life and I am thankful for each one because this is my recovery and my journey of self exploration and it gives me hope of a brighter future for myself and what I can give to others.






I have grieved over the little girl in me that was verbally abused & criticized by kids/family causing low self esteem and searching for that acceptance of myself & hoping to one day turn from this ugly duckling into a beautiful swan without freckles and achieving a super thin body.



Learning to love myself is one of my greatest achievements because without this how can I love others and reach out to them?



I know I am loved and cherished in Jesus, He ransomed my heart so very long ago on calvarys hill that I know who I am as a woman and for a man to find me he would have already had to seek the heart of God to capture mine.



He created me for His honor & glory and He is transforming my soul inside and out.



Thanks for letting me share..I am so grateful for my sobriety.