Bellasprogram

My Life and Death

My dad kept a bottle of Canadian Mist in the upper cabinet in the kitchen.
Every night I would watch him throw back a shot. I used to call it "letting out the devil"
One sunny, Saturday morning,while mom and dad were were working in the yard, I climbed up on a chair, got the bottle, steadied myself, and did what I had been seeing my dad do night after night. I was 8 years old and I let out the devil.
I felt the burning and the nausea--but felt like I had been told a secret that only adults were suppose to know. I was very proud of myself.
Oh how that would change!!!
Fast forward to my teens. I experimented with everything that would make me feel "normal" or at least numb me. I got through high school and even college without remembering a damn thing. Alcohol ended up being my "pet". I had to feed it and care for it and in return it took away my humanity.
I was a hurricane that would rip people's lives apart and not look back.
I soon found myself in jails, treatment centers, homeless, and in emergency rooms, and ended up on disability. I met the same kind of people all of you did--may have even met you! I did all the same demeaning and destructive things. I even drank myself to death one night--but got spit back out into this Hell when a passer by noticed I wasn't breathing.
After decades of this waking, walking death I ended up in an abusive relationship. Now, I had two monsters trying to kill me. Ten years we battled the bottle and each other. Then one day I got the news that my sister was dying. I hadn't seen her in 25 years. She ran away from home when I was a child. Instead of reaching for the Canadian mist she left, and she made a good life for herself. I wanted to be by her side during this ordeal, but couldn't get out of bed except to get another drink.
So I knocked on God's door. Had nothing left to try...
I told Him that I was ready to do ANYTHING to leave this "life". Would He hep me? And He did!!
I went through the pain of withdrawal--DT's and hallucinations (even tried to jump out of a window because I thought my cat had told me to). I lived through it all. I sobered up to be there for my sister and tell her I loved her and held her hand while she died. I threw out the abuser and got a decent job. And for the first time in 35 years I learned how to pay my own bills, have sober friends and live a peaceful life. That was 13 years ago.
There have been many terrible times, sure, but sobriety has given me a light to show my way through the darkness. I can see Hope and Love in my life and it comes from within me!!!
What happened to me was a miracle from God--my HP. What I went through has made me what I am Now. At the time it seemed like a worthless life, turned out to be a gift I can share with other people. I don't/can't look back at those years as a waste. I can't even regret having this disease because of how I have learned to use it. I pray everyday, I share everyday and I laugh A LOT. Most importantly I will never forget WHERE I came from and HOW I got here today. Thanks for listening