ODAT

During the Victoria years I was introduced to the programs simply because the sexual assult groups had year long waiting lists and I needed support immediately. I lasted with the boyrfriend living together for only a couple of months though the relationship was on and off for much longer. During those years I attended A.A., Alanon, Acoa for some time, and the family violence center. I also did some groups at the assult center and did a few assertiveness courses. Basically, with the help of my Alanon sponsor I sank myself into as much healing as a person could possibly take. I was fortunate because I had a small baby and little babies are okay at meetings. There, they had meetings were women were welcome, small children were okay and the support I found amongst the women there was nothing short of remarkable. I never knew it then since I had nothing to compare it to--but boy were they wonderful. I'd let go of the pot without too much trouble and stayed sober also without much trouble. This confused me and at times I felt like a fake but the meetings for A.A. were everyday and I related so well to all the other symptoms of the disease. So I went to A.A. 2 or 3 times a week and alanon a few times a week and Acoa on Fridays. It was alot of work though looking back, I'm glad I did as much as I could back then because now, when I can't get to so many meetings I can still remember and pull from the gems of information I heard back then.

I would like to say it's all been clear sailing since then, but that would be a lie. I stumbled. Many times. The first time I ended up in quite a bit of trouble and I was angry because things hadn't worked out how I wanted. I'd manage to let go of the father of my child and managed to recognize alot of things. Then I met another man who was in the program and well, I was 'determined to try and do God's will"-- except I wasn't totally sure what that was. I knew I wasn't supposed to want sex unless I was married and some things had happened within the meetings that had put me in a pretty vulnerable position. Basically, due to finances I had found a wonderful little house that I could afford and had moved in--totally unaware that it was in the middle of drug-central. The guy in the program I met had let some of this information go to certain authorities and next thing I knew I was getting death threats and stuff coming towards me and the children. I panicked and this guy was there to help me feel better. We got married and fled the province.

He turned out to be not much better than the other dude and potentially a lot more dangerous though this time I knew what to do and did it. The first step was hard and it took my sister talking to me to realize this and I was as angry at God as I could ever be. Here I was, I'd done the steps (or so I thought), given my will over--prayed for direction and I WAS STILL in the interval home, in a strange province and alone and somewhat miserable. Nowhere near as low as I had been 7 or 8 years ago--and with many blessings--but I wasn't comparing at that point. I was too mad to. My thinking? So much for this religious crap! One night at the interval home, my girlfriend offered to watch my kids and I went out. Got drunk. Got laid. And never thought anything of it.

Next thing I know--I'm back in Ontario and I can't stand the smell of bacon. This child I blamed on my daughter. I'd been on the depra vera shot for the past year and even though I hadn't taken the last one still the doctors all said I wouldn't get pregnant for another year. She'd been praying though and I guess at my second daughters birth my eldest daughter realized that God does answer prayers. She got the little sister she so wanted

My mother came up for that birth and it was then that I went back to the program. It took me a while to find a sponsor. The women in the program here are not the same as they are in Victoria. Not as friendly, though the sponsor I got, I love dearly. I tested her out thoroughly though as I put her through the works of finding out if she was 'just like my mom' or would be different. She passed the test and loved me despite my disobedience at her words. With her I did all of the steps from the A.A. perspective and then later I went back to Alanon again and redid them. I found here that I could not speak so openly about things from my past. And I found that I got triggered a bit more in meetings and found myself getting angry at what appeared to be an imbalance and repeat of the old 'mens' club atmosphere. So after a while I stopped going to as many meetings and found myself back at the doors of alanon.

Now


For the past 3 years I have been working full time and a few years ago I had another baby. I have been out of a relationship for quite some time even though I did manage to get pregnant again. After living on my own for a good many years I find myself now challenging at a heart level most of the old beliefs that I grew up with. At one time, I remember a woman in Victoria saying how healing was like an onion and the longest journey is from the head to the heart. I think part of what I'm doing now is taking those last few steps of yet a deeper layer. Although intellectually, I am aware that I am not worthless, unlovable or most of things I so believed growing up--there is a place inside me, deep, deep down that still needs help with the changing of those beliefs.

I am lucky today. At one time in my life I agonized over where I fit in the program. Today I see that there are many doors I can chose to enter. They all offer something of value to me. NA teaches that a drug is a drug--and wether that be a relationship, pot, (or something heavier) or alcohol the effects of being addicted are the same. Because of my past abuse stuff I can go to groups specifically designed for that phase of the healing, and parenting classes and all of the many avenues there are for healing are all open to me at the right time. But it all starts with the steps. Through the steps I found my Higher Power and He was with me even before then. I could not do A.A. or any of them if I had not done some councelling--thats not true for everyone--but for me it was. Yet after doing the steps and gaining the support and faith from the program, I found my counselling was so much more beneficial.

Today, I work at a job which challenges alot of what is inside me. Some of my customers are very negative and most days I find this doesn't bother me. Other days, when I am not so 'full' I find it rather difficult. I am in a new relationship today with a man who lives quite a distance from me. It is safe and enjoyable and it challenges me with my relationship with Christ who is my Higher Power. I am working at finding a balance in my life. When I first started the healing process I went completely against most of what I was taught as a child and so my house was usually messy, I misplaced things alot and bascially my kids walked all over me. Now I take time to clean my house (for me), cook good meals, work as well and I take the time to discipline my children so they grow up with some structure. Not everything from a military home is bad. Just some of the things. And recovery is kind of trying to weed out the things that were wrong and keeping the things that were okay. Somedays its harder than others but it is so much better than ever before. My friends now, are from both the program and from without--I tend to make them where-ever I am and this, too, is new for me.

I have days still where I am down. I've just come through a spout where I revistied that childhood shame. Dealing with issues with regards to my mother and how that relationship helped to feed me those lies. Yet, today I have hope. I have five wonderful children and a future to look forward to--one day at a time. And as I write this--I am aware of the need to be going through these steps still yet again. See, recovery never ends. It just changes.