The Jay Walker

Hi

I like to stay anonymous, so I go by the name Jay Walker, and I am an Alcoholic.

I grew up in southern California, I can remember how i never felt quite right, I always felt like there was something different about me, and everybody could see it but me.

I manged to make it through my school years and never really had more than one or two friends. so I was very nieve when I graduated high school and went out into the world, I found a job at a factory, and took a few night classes at the local college.

I was so messed up inside that I had still never had a girlfriend, not that I didn't want one, I was just scared that I wasn't good enough.

anyway one night at a friends house, I was handed a vodka tonic,
I remember how that first drink felt to this day, first I felt the warmth going down, then I felt myself relax, I had a couple more, and for the first time in my life, everything was OK, actually everything was great, I had confidence, I could laugh and smile, I had found my miracle drug that I would take daily from then on for the next 20 years.

it didn't take long and I was getting into trouble, like minor in possesion of alcohol, and drunk in public, then came the D.U.I.'s

I was sent to A.A. and a drunk driving school. I was also put on antabuse by the courts, to keep me from drinking.

during the antabuse period I tried some drugs, but nothing gave me what alcohol did.

I finished with my required A.A. meetings and graduated the drunk driving school, and went back to drinking right away,
from that point untill I got sober, my life was just a series of embarasing drunken escapades, and ruined relationships. I lost a lot of good jobs, cars etc.
I lost a marriage, and remaried and had two sons.

and sometime during this time, I reached a point were I was drinking because I had to, and it wasn't fun anymore.
I tried to quit a few times through different programs, couselors, churches, shrinks, and stuff, but I never found anybody who really understood were I was coming from

finaly on 5-5-96, I had what hopefully what was to be my last drunk,
I was driving around in a blackout, with a fifth of kesslers, and I came too in a detox center, I thought I was in the hospital agian, ( the last year of my drinking I was admited twice for mixing alcohol and Xanax)
I asked a lady were I was, and she told me I was in detox,
and that I had come in on my own voluntairaly, of course I tried to get out, but was told if I left, I would be going against doctors orders, and would be billed for my stay, while if I stay, then my insurance would cover it.
so I stayed for a week, I didn't get much out of it exept for getting dried up, and I had talked to a man from A.A. that really understood me. the couselores there were ex addicts, and I couldnt identify with them, but this ex drunk from A.A. knew exactly what I was all about,

after getting out of the spin dry, I started going to A.A. meetings daily, after a week or two, I asked a guy to sponsor me, and after talking a while he agreed.

I went with him to meetings and got a home group, it was at a retirement comunity, and those people loved me and were so patient with me, one guy there had 28 years sober.

after a couple years they picked me to be G.S.R. for the group, and I got involved with service work, and also got on a panel at a local hospital.

today I stay active in A.A. , and still have some kind of service comitment at all times, I continue to apply the 12 steps of A.A. in my life, and my life is like nothing I could have ever imagined it could be,
A.A. has been so much more than just stopping drinking, it's been a whole new life