Laurie 6781's Journey-My Story
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 6,101
Laurie 6781's Journey-My Story
Several months ago Carol D asked me to post “My Story.” Carol and I have known each other for several years now. We met on a different recovery site (now defunct) and have been ‘on line friends’ for almost 10 years. So here goes:
I was raised in the Midwest in an upper middle class family (that many years later I was to realize was extremely dysfunctional). Had what I thought was an average childhood (more was revealed the further I got into recovery.)
In 1957 when I was 12 I was physically maturing rather quickly. My mother in her infinite wisdom didn’t want some fellow to be able to take me out and get me drunk and do what he wanted, so she decided that I could learn how to “control and enjoy” my drinking at home. Now I have to tell you that I did learn how to control OR enjoy but NEVER at the same time.
I know today that by the time I was 16 I was already an alcoholic, but was a functioning one back then. I kept alcohol in my car, in my locker at school, in my locker at work, and in my bedroom. Finally realized in recovery that the only one I was hiding it from was myself.
In 1966 I gave up a little bab y girl for adoption, yes I did drink through most of the pregnancy, but did ‘control’ to a certain extent. 34 years later when I found her, it was with great relief to find out that she did not have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and in fact was a healthy, successful, adult woman.
In ’67 I married a fellow who was career Air Force and who had been married before (an alcoholic by the way.) He was 10 years older than me and had 4 children from his first marriage. His first wife was in the last stages of Alcoholism. We went to court and I adopted his 4 children, ranging in age from 6 to 13. The fun was just beginning.
When he would be home on leave we had the usual alcoholic fights and they slowly got worse. Ironically, after we divorced, we became friends. My alcoholism progressed.
For many years I remained a ‘functioning alcoholic’ holding down a high paying job with lots of responsibility. Looking back now, I can see that the company I worked for had MORE than it’s fair share of alcoholics right up to the President and owner of the company.
When I finally lost that job, it became harder to get and hold a job. I used up my severance pay and then all of my unemployment benefits and still was only working ‘temporary assignments’ when I could get my act together.
In January of ’79 (when I was 33 ½ years old) my family told me NO MORE. They would no longer help me in any way. If I called they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police. It was MY PROBLEM and I had to deal with it, they could not.
Later after being in recovery for several years, my mother finally shared with me that had they not shut the door on me, they felt they were all going to end up, locked up in a padded cell in an institution.
Well with that pronouncement, my attitude was F you. I did a geographic and moved back to California. It took me another 2 and ½ years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.
I can tell you today that the BEST THING MY FAMILY ever did for me was to SHUT THE DOOR ON ME as they did.
I had an old ’63 beat up ford, typical ‘alkie car’ with all four corners banged in and a coat hanger for an antenna. I mostly kept it parked at the back of the HollywoodBowlPark parking lot, under trees. Slept in it the nights I made it back to the car.
On Sunday June 7, 1981, at approximately 4:30pm (I know it was afternoon, I had a cheap $2 digital plastic watch, it said 4:30 and it was light out so knew it was afternoon) as I would take a swig in (oh btw I was a Jack Daniels and/or Wild Turkey drinker for most of my life and was on Thunderbird Wine by this time) it felt like it was coming out of every pore of my body as fast as I put it in. It was then I had no doubts left …………………….. I was dying. I was going to die soon if I kept drinking and I was going to die soon if I tried to stop, but somehow I wanted to die sober.
I put the cap back on the bottle, threw it in the back seat with the rest of the empties and started to cry. I was sitting on the concrete bumper and I did scream out
PLEASE HELP ME
Not my typical alkie prayer of “God get me out of this one and I’ll never do it again” just PLEASE HELP ME.
I can tell you it was a pretty rough night. The next morning I knew something was terribly wrong. I knew there was a hospital called Olive View in Van Nuys, had heard about it from my Wino buddies, but had no idea where it was. I started the car, intent on finding OliveViewHospital. Yes, I found the hospital, there had to be someone guiding that automobile because I had no idea where I was going.
I found out later, by reading my medical chart and by talking to the gal that was at the admissions desk that day, that I walked up to the desk, told the gal I was an alcoholic, said I hadn’t had a drink since the day before and something was drastically wrong. She told me I was green, she was hitting the emergency button under her desk, while she directed me to a chair right across from her desk, maybe a distance of 4 feet. I never made it. I went into seizures on the floor in front of her desk.
Later in reading the medical chart from that day, I found out that when I went into seizures my BAC was .38 and my body was CRAVING MORE. My heart stopped from the seizures. They would get me started again, and after a little while I would start to seizure again. This went on all day. The last time my heart stopped, I was down for 28 minutes and the ER Dr gave up. He called it and was writing the TOD on my chart (24 hours after I stopped drinking) and my heart started on it’s own. I was given a SECOND CHANCE.
After several days in the hospital, I came to that evening with 4 IV’s in me, with the help of the AA community I found a sober living house. Women’s Odyssey House in CanogaPark. Being in the house, I had no choice, I had to get a sponsor, I had to attend a minimum of 6 outside meetings a week, plus the 3 that were held at the house (unless I was scheduled to work at the time of one of those meetings). I had to get a job and pay room and board.
Back then AA was really the only game in town and I was immersed in going to meetings. Those meetings saved my butt. It was there I felt SAFE. It was there I found HOPE. It was there I got to know folks that had been where I was and who were actually LIVING SOBER and seemed to have ‘sparkle’ about them. When they smiled the smile went all the way to their eyes, and when they laughed or cried it came all the way from the depths of their being.
I was very foggy for several months, so even though I had found a WONDERFUL sponsor and her husband, I didn’t start ‘working the program’ until I was almost 6 months without a drink.
Possible.
I believe to this day that HP put Bev and Hugh in my life. They were great sponsors. Overtime, as our relationship grew and changed, they were like my parents, my siblings, my bestest friends, and they played “Devel’s Advocate” with me a lot. Not only ‘guiding me through the steps but SHOWING me by their daily living and their actions how the program worked.
I will be forever grateful to the people of the AA Community in the San FernandoValley of Los AngelesCalifornia. They put me on the right track for this alcoholic.
That was a long time ago now. I continue to this day to use the TOOLS I was taught to LIVE SOBER. I have had and continue to have a life I never dreamed was possible!
I will tell all that have just arrived, to please hang on to your butt, because you are in for One H*ll Of A Ride.
There were so many things I had to learn or relearn. The emotions I had buried for so long had to be dealt with in a ‘new’ way. Slowly I learned and continue to learn to this day.
It has been well worth it for me, and if HP is willing, and I am still here, on June 7, 2009 I will celebrate 28 years.
You too can achieve whatever you want. It is hard work. It is exhausting work, but the benefits are just unimaginable.
You know all my life before recovery I had been a great “Starter” but a real lousy “Finisher” of any project I took on. Well………………………… this time ……………I’m still “Finishing”, lol
Recovery has been the hardest thing I have ever attempted and it has also been the most rewarding. Even with my health issues (many of which are a direct result of all the years I drank) I LOVE life today.
I hope anyone that reads this can find what I have found. Believe me you won’t regret it!
Love and hugs,
I was raised in the Midwest in an upper middle class family (that many years later I was to realize was extremely dysfunctional). Had what I thought was an average childhood (more was revealed the further I got into recovery.)
In 1957 when I was 12 I was physically maturing rather quickly. My mother in her infinite wisdom didn’t want some fellow to be able to take me out and get me drunk and do what he wanted, so she decided that I could learn how to “control and enjoy” my drinking at home. Now I have to tell you that I did learn how to control OR enjoy but NEVER at the same time.
I know today that by the time I was 16 I was already an alcoholic, but was a functioning one back then. I kept alcohol in my car, in my locker at school, in my locker at work, and in my bedroom. Finally realized in recovery that the only one I was hiding it from was myself.
In 1966 I gave up a little bab y girl for adoption, yes I did drink through most of the pregnancy, but did ‘control’ to a certain extent. 34 years later when I found her, it was with great relief to find out that she did not have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and in fact was a healthy, successful, adult woman.
In ’67 I married a fellow who was career Air Force and who had been married before (an alcoholic by the way.) He was 10 years older than me and had 4 children from his first marriage. His first wife was in the last stages of Alcoholism. We went to court and I adopted his 4 children, ranging in age from 6 to 13. The fun was just beginning.
When he would be home on leave we had the usual alcoholic fights and they slowly got worse. Ironically, after we divorced, we became friends. My alcoholism progressed.
For many years I remained a ‘functioning alcoholic’ holding down a high paying job with lots of responsibility. Looking back now, I can see that the company I worked for had MORE than it’s fair share of alcoholics right up to the President and owner of the company.
When I finally lost that job, it became harder to get and hold a job. I used up my severance pay and then all of my unemployment benefits and still was only working ‘temporary assignments’ when I could get my act together.
In January of ’79 (when I was 33 ½ years old) my family told me NO MORE. They would no longer help me in any way. If I called they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police. It was MY PROBLEM and I had to deal with it, they could not.
Later after being in recovery for several years, my mother finally shared with me that had they not shut the door on me, they felt they were all going to end up, locked up in a padded cell in an institution.
Well with that pronouncement, my attitude was F you. I did a geographic and moved back to California. It took me another 2 and ½ years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollyweird.
I can tell you today that the BEST THING MY FAMILY ever did for me was to SHUT THE DOOR ON ME as they did.
I had an old ’63 beat up ford, typical ‘alkie car’ with all four corners banged in and a coat hanger for an antenna. I mostly kept it parked at the back of the HollywoodBowlPark parking lot, under trees. Slept in it the nights I made it back to the car.
On Sunday June 7, 1981, at approximately 4:30pm (I know it was afternoon, I had a cheap $2 digital plastic watch, it said 4:30 and it was light out so knew it was afternoon) as I would take a swig in (oh btw I was a Jack Daniels and/or Wild Turkey drinker for most of my life and was on Thunderbird Wine by this time) it felt like it was coming out of every pore of my body as fast as I put it in. It was then I had no doubts left …………………….. I was dying. I was going to die soon if I kept drinking and I was going to die soon if I tried to stop, but somehow I wanted to die sober.
I put the cap back on the bottle, threw it in the back seat with the rest of the empties and started to cry. I was sitting on the concrete bumper and I did scream out
PLEASE HELP ME
Not my typical alkie prayer of “God get me out of this one and I’ll never do it again” just PLEASE HELP ME.
I can tell you it was a pretty rough night. The next morning I knew something was terribly wrong. I knew there was a hospital called Olive View in Van Nuys, had heard about it from my Wino buddies, but had no idea where it was. I started the car, intent on finding OliveViewHospital. Yes, I found the hospital, there had to be someone guiding that automobile because I had no idea where I was going.
I found out later, by reading my medical chart and by talking to the gal that was at the admissions desk that day, that I walked up to the desk, told the gal I was an alcoholic, said I hadn’t had a drink since the day before and something was drastically wrong. She told me I was green, she was hitting the emergency button under her desk, while she directed me to a chair right across from her desk, maybe a distance of 4 feet. I never made it. I went into seizures on the floor in front of her desk.
Later in reading the medical chart from that day, I found out that when I went into seizures my BAC was .38 and my body was CRAVING MORE. My heart stopped from the seizures. They would get me started again, and after a little while I would start to seizure again. This went on all day. The last time my heart stopped, I was down for 28 minutes and the ER Dr gave up. He called it and was writing the TOD on my chart (24 hours after I stopped drinking) and my heart started on it’s own. I was given a SECOND CHANCE.
After several days in the hospital, I came to that evening with 4 IV’s in me, with the help of the AA community I found a sober living house. Women’s Odyssey House in CanogaPark. Being in the house, I had no choice, I had to get a sponsor, I had to attend a minimum of 6 outside meetings a week, plus the 3 that were held at the house (unless I was scheduled to work at the time of one of those meetings). I had to get a job and pay room and board.
Back then AA was really the only game in town and I was immersed in going to meetings. Those meetings saved my butt. It was there I felt SAFE. It was there I found HOPE. It was there I got to know folks that had been where I was and who were actually LIVING SOBER and seemed to have ‘sparkle’ about them. When they smiled the smile went all the way to their eyes, and when they laughed or cried it came all the way from the depths of their being.
I was very foggy for several months, so even though I had found a WONDERFUL sponsor and her husband, I didn’t start ‘working the program’ until I was almost 6 months without a drink.
Possible.
I believe to this day that HP put Bev and Hugh in my life. They were great sponsors. Overtime, as our relationship grew and changed, they were like my parents, my siblings, my bestest friends, and they played “Devel’s Advocate” with me a lot. Not only ‘guiding me through the steps but SHOWING me by their daily living and their actions how the program worked.
I will be forever grateful to the people of the AA Community in the San FernandoValley of Los AngelesCalifornia. They put me on the right track for this alcoholic.
That was a long time ago now. I continue to this day to use the TOOLS I was taught to LIVE SOBER. I have had and continue to have a life I never dreamed was possible!
I will tell all that have just arrived, to please hang on to your butt, because you are in for One H*ll Of A Ride.
There were so many things I had to learn or relearn. The emotions I had buried for so long had to be dealt with in a ‘new’ way. Slowly I learned and continue to learn to this day.
It has been well worth it for me, and if HP is willing, and I am still here, on June 7, 2009 I will celebrate 28 years.
You too can achieve whatever you want. It is hard work. It is exhausting work, but the benefits are just unimaginable.
You know all my life before recovery I had been a great “Starter” but a real lousy “Finisher” of any project I took on. Well………………………… this time ……………I’m still “Finishing”, lol
Recovery has been the hardest thing I have ever attempted and it has also been the most rewarding. Even with my health issues (many of which are a direct result of all the years I drank) I LOVE life today.
I hope anyone that reads this can find what I have found. Believe me you won’t regret it!
Love and hugs,
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