W13

My name is curt,
and i'm a drug addict and alcoholic.

i'm sure i possess several other -isms, but i was instructed once, in my very early sobriety, to face my addictions in the order of which they were killin' me. i do so take that to heart!

i began my 18 year career at twelve, and can actually remember aspiring to be a 'burn out'. my classmates older brothers were just, so cool...long hair, muscle cars, chain wallets...and partying. i wanted to be just like them.

the first drink i took was a half fifth of southern comfort, and i was so sick. and couldn't wait to do it again. my teen years were full of black out days that i still have no recollection of-and i should probably be grateful for that! then at 19, i found the greatest job ever--working in strip clubs. for ten years i did so, and during that time went through three partners, lost two children, and hated myself more than i thought possible. but as long as i kept masking my feelings with drugs and booze, they were only temporary. i rarely felt anything, at all.

before i lost my third relationship, i went to a therapist to complain about my partner's drinking amongst other things. how blind could i be! very, evidently. this therapist wasn't though. he did the good 'ol reverse psychology thing on me, told me that maybe if i attended some AA meetings, my partner would see my good example and follow my lead. i still had no clue, honestly, that it was me with the problem.

so i was exposed to AA then, but still couldn't see the truth of things. after awhile my partner said, 'you can't keep going to those stupid meetings AND drink...pick one!' so, i picked drinking. obviously. for another year or so, my disease progressed like crazy. at the end, i had two back-to-back overdoses, both in a bar that i worked at. it was that bar where i had some strange epiphany; some little voice in my head told me i couldn't go on like this-that i had to get sober.

and so i returned to the rooms, where people remembered me and welcomed me back. i got a sponsor right away, and began to go through the steps. my long-time feelings of hardcore insanity began to fade, and the more i was around the rooms, and living the program...the more i relied on a power greater than myself and tried to live by spiritual principals-the better life was. i stayed sober for fifteen months.

then i was broadsided with some crazy anger, and chose to drink again. you know, the kind where i'm mad at you, so i'll drink this poison in hopes that it'll kill you, not me. the relapse was worse than my previous 18 years of drinking and drugging. it only lasted ten months, but i thought i'd never get sober again. and, after having a taste of reality, the good life...learning to deal with emotions and how to treat other people-i wanted it back so badly. i kept going back to meetings. picking up white chip after white chip. and i just wasn't able to get even a few days under my belt.

during that relapse, i broke a beer mug in the bathroom of a bar i was attending, and brought it down hard across my left wrist. i cut though the tendons, the nerves-but not the artery. my hand was half way cut off...and even after that experience i STILL DID NOT GET SOBER. jeezus, could i be any stupider???

one day i did though. i was hopeless. i was convinced that this was just the way it was going to be. but i was wrong. i don't know what happened, but i got ready and made a decision. and that time, it stuck.

that was february 2002. by the grace of god, and by my willingness to follow directions and my desire to never go back, i remain sober today. i have had the most challenging times of my life, in these sober days-i'm a single parent to 3 young children, work full time at a low paying job, have not only come to terms with, but have made serious progress in dealing with my transgender issues (yes, i'm trans!), and so much more that just comes with life on life's terms, and its only because i'm sober that i can somehow seem to manage my crazy life. i am so grateful for this program, and still don't know why i'm one of the lucky ones who could finally accept god's grace, and the gift of having something to give to the next guy.

no matter what, this is my easier, softer way.

thanks to everyone.