Nandm's story
Life the gift of recovery!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
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Nandm's story
Nandm’s story
WHAT IT WAS LIKE.
I grew up in a home where neither of my parents drank. The reason they stated for not drinking was the history of alcoholism in our family. On my mothers side; her father and two of her three siblings were alcoholics. On my fathers side; his father and 6 out of 8 siblings were alcoholic. Although neither drank, in retrospect, I can see many of the ‘isms’ are present. I was raised in a strict Southern Baptist home. I started questioning this ideology at a very young age, 7 or 8 years old. This was exacerbated by my father being a pedophile and molesting my three sisters and I. I found it hypocritical to go to church every time the doors were open and pretend to be perfect yet destroy those who depend on you and trust in you for their survival. By the time I was 15 I had developed a lot of resentment and distaste for the idea of God.
My drinking started around the age of 14 or 15. Even then I was different than my peers. I was the one who counted the drinks to ensure I got my fair share and constantly hoped someone would not drink all theirs so I could have it. This continued through high school. I married my high school boy friend after one year of college. I did not want to be in school anymore (was failing classes because I was too busy partying or hung over to make it to the morning ones), I knew I did not want to go back and live with my parents (not enough freedom there), did not want to have to work, so decided to marry someone that was more of a friend than anything. By the age of 21 I had two children and my first DUI and wrecked a 6 day old car. I was sentenced to community service and 6 AA meetings. The judge thought I had a drinking problem since my blood alcohol was 0.22 and 0.23 at the time of my arrest. At that time proof of the AA meeting attendance was not something that had to be turned into the court (1987). I did wonder at that time if I might be an alcoholic. So I went to one meeting, looked around saw only people older than me, saw only the differences in their stories, and decided that I was not like them so I must not be an alcoholic. I never went back after that first meeting. It took me 15 years to find AA again. During which time I divorced, remarried, had another child, and divorced again. Relationships and drinking were not my strong point. I did find a career though as I needed one to support myself, my drinking, and my children. I became a workaholic who drank anytime I was not at work. I tried multiple times to stop or control my drinking as it became progressively more uncontrollable as time went by. My second ex husband accused me of being an alcoholic so to try and prove him wrong I spent 10 months only drinking O’Douls (by the case). I did fool him though and divorced him soon after that time so I could continue my drinking career. The field I worked in allowed me to see alcoholics at their worst, unfortunately this let me to believe that to be an alcoholic you had to be a skid row bum. In my eyes, that was not me as I still was able to maintain the outside ‘look good’. Had a good job, nice home, nice car, nice clothes, etc….. As my drinking progressed I became more unpredictable. I never knew when I picked up a drink if I was going to be able to feel drunk or not, become the nice Dr. Jekyl or the You Better Run and Hyde personality. I was buying two 30 packs of beer along with a pint of 100 proof Hot Damn to get through one evening. I was always worried about running out before I passed out. The insanity of my drinking even led to me find an online romantic interest. I had even flown out to visit the person.
WHAT HAPPENED.
I finally became frightened by my drinking about 6 months before I came into AA. I had been across the street drinking at a neighbor’s house. While walking home I fell straight backwards winding up with a concussion to the back of my brain. When I was able to get back up I proceeded across the street and while trying to make it up my concrete steps fell face first into them causing a concussion to the front of my brain. It is only by the grace of God that I did not die that night and have my children find me. Needless to say I don’t think people at work believed me when I claimed the cat had gotten tangled up in my feet causing me to fall. I once again, like so many times before, decided I had to moderate my alcohol use because of that incident. I then decided a geographical move would be in my best interest, I used the excuse of the romantic interest, rented a U-Haul trailer, traded the car for a truck, packed the kids up and moved over 2000 miles away. Ironically, my ex husband also moved so he could remain near his daughter. The person I moved in with claimed to be a member of AA but never attended meetings just participated on an AA bowling league. It was there that I met a woman who gave me her phone number and told me if I ever felt I had a problem with alcohol to call her. I continued to moderate my drinking for nearly 6 months but once again it had gotten to the point where I was drinking more and more each time. During this whole time I was miserable inside, fear, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and anger, the whole gamete of emotions were present. I still maintained that outside look good though. My misery finally got to the point where I knew I was not going to be able to continue to moderate as it was steadily becoming more and more out of control. My children did not want to be around me when I drank. My oldest daughter would ask me not to drink anytime I left the house. I put it in perspective one night when I realized that my drinking was just a slow suicide that was taking everyone that cared about me down with me. I decided I could no longer go on living that way and prayed to God (any God that would hear me) to please either give me the courage to put a gun to my head or show me how to live life without drinking. I got my answer that next morning. I remembered the phone number that had been given to me several months earlier. I was able to find it. It took me nearly two weeks to find the courage to pick up the phone and call. I went to my first meeting that night and although I could not tell you what was said I walked away with hope for the first time in many years. I was taken to 90 meetings in 90 days, given a Big Book and Twelve in twelve. Although I was terrified it was great to have the hope that the light at the end of the tunnel was no longer a train.
WHAT IT IS LIKE NOW.
In the first 2 months of sobriety the relationship I had moved for ended. I finally got the courage to find my own apartment and quit paying all the bills for the ex. I bought a motorcycle and decided I could learn how to ride. At 6 months of sobriety I had just finished moving into my apartment and decided to get on the motorcycle for the fifth time and go for a ride with a friend from AA. I wound up in a curve on the yellow line with a truck coming at me on the yellow line. I closed my eyes, missed the truck, and when I opened my eyes all I saw was the guard rail and a cliff. I can clearly remember the thought that ran through my head, “this is going to hurt”. I did not realize how much. I am fortunate to have had the medical background to instruct my friend on how to hold traction on my leg until the ambulance got there so the fractures would not become open ones. I wound up nearly losing both my right leg and right arm. I had multiple fracture to my right thigh (a metal rod had to be placed to repair it), a limb had been impaled in my right shoulder nearly taking it off, my right collar bone was broken, my left wrist was broken, and there was significant soft tissue damage to my right thigh. I spent a month in the hospital, 3 months in a wheelchair, another 3 on crutches, and several more using a cane. What got me through that time without drinking were a couple of things.
1. I could not figure out how to get my wheelchair out the door, get to the store, buy alcohol, and get back in without help. I was not able to drive for several months. Fortunately, I only had this thought a couple of times.
2. My friend paid people to take me to meetings on a daily basis while she was at work and then would come by and take me to evening and weekend meetings.
3. A couple of weeks before the accident I was in a meeting where the topic was ‘going to any lengths’. This had a huge impact on me as I realized that I needed to be willing to go to any lengths, no matter the cost, to stay sober and not wind up back in the insanity I had been in while drinking.
During that first year and a half of sobriety many challenges were faced.
• There was the physical.
• The financial. I went from $30/hour to welfare, then bankruptcy from the medical bills as I had no insurance at the time of the accident.
• An emotional. My ex husband, before I was even out of the wheelchair, decided to move back over 2000 miles away to help his mom since his father died and he wanted to take my youngest daughter (his child) with him although I had custody. I can only say that when faced with this challenge the right decision was made because of the program of AA, the steps, the traditions, and several people in AA. It allowed me to take a truthful look at why I should raise my daughter rather than my ex. The only answer I could come up was, I love her, and that was a selfish reason as he too loves her. So rather than be selfish I allowed her to move with him.
• A heartbreak. My two oldest children started drinking, using, stealing, bringing drug dealers into my home, and refused to go to school. My oldest daughter was depressed, suicidal, and cutting on herself. I tried therapy for both of them, but as most people know ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink’. I learned from people in the rooms of AA that although I may have created the problems for my children, only they could find the solutions to them. I did everything I knew to stop these behaviors and after warning them that if things did not change and they could not live by my rules then they would not live under my roof, I was left with what I felt like was no choice. I kicked them out, but I did arrange for them to live with their grandmother as their father would not take them in. My oldest daughter did not speak to me for a year.
• Ego smasher, fear, and anxiety. Although I had never been fired from a job while drinking, and always got any job I applied for, I wound up fired from the first job I got after my accident. Ironically, it was exactly two weeks after I reported him for his continued sexual harassment. Unfortunately, the person I reported it to was one of the people he was sleeping with (I found out later) so she did not do any documentation, did not report it, and denied it when questioned about it later.
In the past six and a half years I have been through the accident, my children, financial difficulties, two firings, and am in the middle of a career change (by choice) and through it all though my Higher Power never dropped me. Today, I attend AA meetings on a regular basis, have a home group, a sponsor, and a support group of friends both alcoholic an non alcoholic that I know I can count on through thick and thin. I have made a point to surround myself with people whom I see living the principles and steps of AA in every aspect of their lives. It is amazing how the steps will work for any problem I am faced with when I get uncomfortable enough to apply them. I have a wonderful relationship with my two oldest children. They have turned their lives around after alcohol, meth, and prostitution. My oldest moved back in with me for 2 years, now lives near me, is in nursing assistant school, plans on getting her GED, does not drink or use, has moved past the hurt, anger, and resentment, and has matured into a wonderful young woman. My second oldest is in vet tech school, has gotten her GED, has matured immensely, has moved past her hurt, and is planning on moving back here to be closer once her school is done. I get along with my ex husbands. My youngest daughter is doing well, still living with her father. I have been able to return to school to pursue the career I dreamed of. I am in a loving, committed relationship with someone in AA. “God has done for me what I could not do for myself”.
God gave me life when I could not see any life worth living. I finally have a life rather than just sitting around dreaming of a life. There is no way I can repay what has been given to me through the program of AA.
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