My negative talks with HP
 

I have been told by numerous people. My therapist, people on this forum, and some family that I say a lot of negative things about myself.

One of the things that God told me when I was praying for strength was he put a visual of a list in my mind during meditation. NOTHING else was on the list except for love yourself.

I have been told all my life I was worthless. Mom loved to call me a parasite...even going as far to ask me (at 10 years old) if I knew what a parasite is and detailing the definition. She also like wh0re and a host of other words. She would lie to our family and tell stories of my promiscuity (again starting around the age of 10)....I don't know why she did that. My first A was very much verbally abusive. And so is my AH.

I find myself being verbally abusive with myself. Even when I talk to God I am constantly putting myself down without even realizing it. "Like God, I'm know I'm not worth your time. I know you are sick of me. I know I always screw up."

I'M SICK OF HATING ME! But It's all I know. I don't know how to stop. How do you start loving something that everyone else has hated all your life?

It takes work. When you find yourself doing it, stop. And actually verbally say, "stop".

How about journaling and then adding your good attributes? I am really sorry to hear about what your mother did? That is terrible to do to a child. But you can come out of it.

When I first got sober I read Norman Vincent Peale's Power of Positive Thinking. And then I applied as much as I could of what that book said. It shifted my thinking, and opened the door to a lot of other similar teachings and readings. Since day one I felt I needed to fill my brain with positive stuff, continually, as much as I possibly could. My brain needed a real good washing in order to get all the dirt out, and replace it with better stuff. I still actually need to do that, regularly. Lots of us got real bad messages growing up. While they're difficult to erase, they're no more difficult than the many other things we can and do recover from.

Affirmations helped me a lot. Louse Hay I think pretty much wrote the bible on that stuff, I forgot the name of her main book though.

I also found The 4 Agreements to be an a very simple and awesome philosophy on living a mentally healthy life. Just had an idea for a new thread... thanks :).

Maybe don't worry about getting all the way to loving yourself from the start. Perhaps at first start with interrupting the mental dialog when you start turning on yourself. I was surprised to learn that I had a choice when it came to how I thought of myself. Perhaps its a 1st step to just turn away from the harshness when it starts, and keep doing it when it comes back.

The memoir Wild is about forgiveness. Cheryl Strayed also wrote some beautiful advice columns as Dear Sugar. You can read these for free on The Rumpus online. She is ACOA.

Meditation helped me stop some of the negative talk tapes running in my head. Because when I managed to empty out the thoughts, the silence was peaceful and accepting.