I have been filling out the checklist 2-3 times a week. So that means I am reviewing 1-2 days at a time. I think the checklist helps me mostly focus on being kind. Just small things. I empty the recycling at work. I buy the person's breakfast behind me on my special days that I get breakfast on my way to work. I will keep using the checklist this way for now. I definitely notice I my emotions remain 'steadier' when I am not being codependent.
My books on lack of emotional intimacy in males, why men don't have sex and passive aggressive men all arrived. I have skimmed through two of them. One of them I found organized in a way to bring about maturity similar to the 12 steps. I was really able to whip through that one as I quite frankly have been bird dogging recovery for 2 years now. I remembered Mr. T warning me I could outgrow my RAH. In some ways that was a very true and wise statement.
RAH asked me what I was reading when I had the why men stop having sex book but didn't take that opportunity to tell me what his personal opinion was.
I would like to talk with RAH about the state of our marriage, but he has gone underground. No sex of course, no further appt with counselor, and I don't think he ever went to the MD about his lack of desire/ED/whatever. This not dealing with the situation and burying it has happened before of course.
We have house guests rolling through this week. I have been making some effort to be sure we present a welcoming and clean abode. They will ask how he is doing. My sponsor told me to suggest they ask him directly. I thought that was brilliant of course. It sidesteps very nicely the fact that how RAH treats me is quite different than the man the rest of the world knows. It closes that door. That door where in the past I would have bungled through making it about me and my needs.
I always felt that I would know what I want when May 2015 rolled through. Two years of solid recovery. Two years of sobriety. Our son wrapping up middle school. I love this man, but if he is not willing to work on recovering his emotions then I do not have to stay. I feel like I have worked quite hard on myself. That gave him a lot of time. It was not like I was not honest with him about my needs. I am free to depart no matter the economic fears I have. It will work out. I would rather be on my own than have a man that cannot tell me how he feels or show me he loves me. I cannot unfreeze RAH's heart. I don't have Marvel super hero powers. I'm quite muggle. But I'll take being a muggle over being codependent.