Step 1....Wow this was hard.

Old 01-28-2015, 07:37 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Manchester NH
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Step 1....Wow this was hard.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?I think I have finally come to terms with this. Brian has struggled with alcohol since we met. I knew this about him and he also recognized this. He asked me to not keep alcohol in the house so he would not be tempted which I did or if it was in the house it was put away so it was out of sight out of mind. He would go to the store every day and purchase what he was planning on drinking that day only which went from a 12 pack down to 3 “tall boys” which is the equivalent of 6 beers. I have done things to try and control him and manage him in a way of keeping us busy on the weekends so he was less likely to drink all day and I have also changed my drinking habits after realizing I was drinking more to try and make myself ok with his drinking. My control has spread to him checking in with me when he schedules jobs to make sure my time with him was not taken away especially on the weekends as the 1st half of the day he was the sober Brian I have always known and loved. When I say sober Brian I basically mean not drunk Brian who has only had a few to drink and was still in the right frame of mind. I convinced myself that I was not having him ask for permission to make plans but instead just checking in to make sure we didn’t already have something going on. In my mind it was more I was fearful of him making plans involving his friends as I knew that he would end up coming home drunk. If he didn’t hang out with his friends his drinking would be better… which was also a lie because his drinking happened no matter what. Brian has felt for years that I am trying to control him and manage every aspect of his life but in reality I was trying to manage his drinking.
I cannot control Brian’s drinking, I cannot control what he does at all, and I do not want to control him I just want him to stop drinking or at the very least control his drinking more and start to cut back. I know that it’s going to be very hard for him to quit as he loves drinking and as he told me the other night it’s like saying goodbye to a friend who has been there to help and support him for the last 16 years. He has to make this decision on his own and I can only be there to support him and help him as much as he will allow me to.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?I know I manage stress and anxiety through counseling, food, and friends, an Alcoholic manages it through drinking. When Brian has a bad day at work he will buy extra beer or hard liqueur, this is how he manages his stress by masking it with alcohol. This is his coping mechanism, he drinks, plays video games, smokes, and listens to music. I talk, eat, and talk more. We both cope differently and just as he cannot change how I cope with things I cannot change how he does. We can only change ourselves and what we are doing in our lives.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?I know alcoholism is a disease, I know this, and I grew up dealing with it with my mother. When I look at Brian and talk to Brian about it, he doesn’t see it that way, he has always felt he controls his drinking and his intake and he chooses to drink as he does. I know this is not true, while he may be choosing to limit himself and mange his drinking that way he is not controlling it, if he was in control of it he would be able to stop. I don’ t think this knowledge has changed how I interact with Brian at all, in my mind I know it’s a disease and it’s a struggle however in my heart I don’t understand why he just won’t stop. He is one of the strongest, hardworking, dedicated men I have ever known and if he can be strong in everything else in his life why not here. He has overcome other addictions in his life so I know he can overcome this but he doesn’t want to (or if he does he is not ready to) I need to realize that it’s his choice and nothing will change until he makes that choice.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?I have tried to change Brian, make him into the man I want him to be instead of allowing him to be the man I fell in love with. I have tried to micromanage everything he does so that I can feel like he is changing and that I feel some sort of control over something that is not mine to control. By doing this I have pushed him away and made him feel like crap, made him feel like he has no control over his life and his choices. It makes me so mad at myself for trying to change him, and trying to impose my will over him, however at the same time I am so mad at him for continuing to drink, even though he has already made some changes and cut back his drinking and limited his quantity. Instead of recognizing what he has done to make positive changes I am dwelling on the fact that he has not stopped drinking yet. I have tried to push him to stop drinking when it has to be his own choice. I need to let go and stop trying to control what he is doing and his drinking and allow him to make those changes and choices on his own.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?I have done everything I can to get Brian to check in and almost ask for permission to do things as to not make me uncomfortable or inconvenienced. My biggest fear is always when I am not around such as when I work the weekend at work. I always call and check in with him every few hours to ask him if he is “behaving” to gauge how much he is drinking and to also figure out what I am coming home to. I try to convince him to make plans with certain people (who I know are good influences on him i.e. mike) or to try and get more side work to keep him busy; if he is busy he won’t drink as much. I also guilt him into coming to bed early with me, by getting him to come to bed, I will sleep better knowing he is there but also I know if he is in bed he will go to sleep at a decent time and not get as drunk. He is less than 30 years old he has the right to stay up and play video games and watch TV or do whatever he wants even if it involves alcohol. Instead of nagging him and suppressing him, I need to just let him live his life. If he felt he had a choice in the matter maybe he would choose to stop drinking or cut back. It makes me think of when I was a kid, if someone told me not to do something it would make me want to do it even more. I think I am holding him back from being the person he wants to be while pushing him in a direction he may not want to be going. I am not pushing him to drink he is making that choice on his own however I do not think I am helping the situation by trying to control it.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?I get mad and I get sad, I feel like he is betraying me and choosing alcohol over me or choosing himself over me. I feel like he should be meeting my needs and doing what I want because it’s only fair because I have to deal with him drinking. I get mad when he feels like he is the only person who is making a compromise as I am making a compromise everyday by dealing with him and his drinking. If I have to feel like I am walking on egg shells then why can he just do what I want? When I get mad about this we fight, then at the end of it I feel guilty because I know what I am feeling is not fair to him and then I get very lovey and apologetic, I try to fix the situation so he will still love me and now leave or end our relationship. I love him so much and just want him in my life and I need to fix it. I need to fix it all ad make it all better. When in reality I am apologizing for whatever we are fighting about to make it all right temporarily. Even if I feel a certain way about the situation I will apologize to fix it. I need to accept that Brian loves me and is devoted to me and we are both allowed to feel how we feel and no one should apologize for how they feel. We are both allowed to feel things even if the other does not agree. I need to stop responding by trying to fix the situation and instead allow us to both manage the situation and grow together, I need to let go of control.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?This is what scares me, if I stop trying to change Brian’s drinking would it just get worse, would he spiral out of control without my help? I know even with me trying to get him to stop I am not the one in control even though I feel like I am. Ultimately if his drinking did get out of control I would have to take action for myself to fix MY situation but I cannot change him or his actions, I can’t even hope to contain them as it is not my life. His life his choices, my life my choices, even though all of our choices directly affect each other they are still our own choices.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?I am good about letting others deal with their own problems except with Brian. With him I feel like all of his problems are also my problems because we are a couple, we live together, everything we do directly affects each other. I am not sure how to let go of his problems and allow him to fix them on his own or manage them on his own. If he does not manage them well then it becomes my problem. If he does not manage them well what will become of us? We are supposed to be there for each other through good times and bad, and to help each other and support each other through everything, if I let go of his problems how am I sticking to my commitment to him and to US!
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?I think I am hoping for a quick fix, for an easy solution however I know there is not one; this will be a long hard road for both of us. I think it will be equally hard for both of us BUT in very different ways. Brian needs to manage his situation and drinking, and I need to manage myself, my control, and my own demons. While both of our struggles will be hard, they will be hard in very different ways. Both with emotional turmoil and ups and downs, but both with a positive outcome in the end of both of us being happier.
What I know and what I do/feel are not the same thing. How do I reconcile this? This is very true to me, I am a person who needs to deal with things when they happen, and I struggle to let sleeping dogs lie. So when Brian drinks and it upsets me I know I should leave him alone because there is no talking to him or interacting with him while he is drunk however in my mind I struggle to do so because I need to fix the situation and resolve the situation and I end up engaging him causing the situation to be worse. I am not sure how to manage this; I need to find something that will keep me distracted from the situation so I can continue to grow as a person while not engaging the situation. In the summer when I am upset I tend to go outside and enjoy the sun and go for a walk it calms me and gives me a clear head. I think for now until I can find a way to keep my actions and feelings in line I am going to exercise. I have the exercise bike in the house and if I am upset I will just get on the bike and ride, give myself a positive output for my emotions instead of engaging him and trying to deal with the situation when it is in the thick of it.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?I always feel responsible for those around me. I have been this way since I was a kid, easily embarrassed by people and always trying to make excuses for behavior. I have always carried myself with a strong exterior and wanted people to believe that I had everything together, never showing weakness. To me weakness is an embarrassment, I know this is a horrible way to view life because weakness is not an embarrassment but it is an opportunity to get stronger, to improve your situation, and grow as a person. If I do not help others fix their problems and fix situations then I feel that I am looked at as a failure.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?I feel shame and embarrassment with those who I am with or involved with show their weakness as I feel it’s a direct reflection of me and my relationship with them.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?While I have not gone to Al-Alon I have reached out to this website for the support and advise I need. I hope to gain a better understanding of my situation and ways to work on myself and my situation. I want to stop feeling like a victim and regain my strength to manage my situation and hopefully help Brian along the way.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.Jessica expressed concern when we had the situation in NY. She was upset that night because of everything that had happened and expressed to me that she did not want to enable him or the situation and I should not either. She was fearful for me because she saw something she felt I was lying to myself about. What she did not know what I was not lying to myself about it. I knew deep down that it was the drinking that lead to an issue however I did feel given the fact that he was lost in NYC alone that some of his reaction was justified. His yelling at me and belittling and not allowing me to sleep even in the same room as him was not justified, should not have happened, however he was scared anxious and lost. His way of managing his anxiety that night was anger. Drinking made all of his reactions exaggerated and stronger. He and I had talked about the situation the next day and rectified our situation and be able to move forward. After this night is when I really started to try to control his drinking and his behavior.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?When I feel like my life is unmanageable it is because I have lost control of the situations I am involved in or I have lost control of myself. When I can no longer mange my stress and my everyday responsibilities. I have also struggled with anxiety and depression all of my life and I feel bother very severely when my life has become unmanageable which makes it even harder to manage them and get back on track.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?I have very much so done this; I have always reached out to family and friends for approval. I will make excuses and deflect certain things to make sure I had the approval and made myself feel better about my situation. If I look ok in the eyes of everyone else then my situation must be ok correct? Even if I am lying to myself and them about it. I need to stop seeking the approval of others and give myself my own approval.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?I say yes to everything I feel guilty saying no even if I really do not have time or the emotional availability for the situation or task at hand. It makes me overwhelmed and it gives me high stress and high anxiety. I do not want to disappoint so I say yes then I stress over it because I may not have wanted to say yes or have the energy to now handle my own life and the situation I said yes to. I need to stop feeling obligation and focus on what I need and what I can handle at the time even if it disappoints those around me. I need to be my priority.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
I find it very hard to take care of myself over others. Even when it comes to meals, I always make sure Brian has a healthy meal and eats plenty. When it comes to me I will eat whatever is left over, or over eat. I do not have the energy to exercise and take care of myself. If he is taken care of then I should be able to also take care of myself. However, I do not have the energy or drive to take care of myself. I know it is not my responsibility to take care of him or anyone else. I need to focus more on myself, my lifestyle, my diet, and my own needs.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?I feel great when life is going smoothly. I do always feel like there is a problem coming, I always have this sense of impending doom however I just enjoy life until it happens. I do not feel more alive during crisis I feel stressed and overwhelmed and very anxious.
How well do I take care of myself?I do not take care of myself well at all. I over eat, I do not exercise, I make grand plans to do things and to improve myself and then I lose all motivation to do so. I do not follow through with my commitments to myself. I have hit a point in my life where I feel stuck in my own personal growth and my depression has taken over.
How do I feel when I am alone?I hate being alone, I have a constant anxiety that Brian will not come home, he has never not come home but it’s a fear that I have. I spend my time alone preparing dinner for him or just sitting and watching TV. I constantly check my phone to see what time it is and to see if he called to say he would be late. I feel a complete sense of co-dependence when I am alone, like I am not complete until he is home and with me.
What is the difference between pity and love?Pity is something you feel for others, while love is something you feel within yourself.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?I do not feel I am attracted to alcoholics; Brian is the first alcoholic I have ever been involved with. I have been with others who had “issues” and yes I have tried to fix them. I spent my early years in life going through a very hard time with my mother’s drinking and drug problems and my father who was and continues to be very co-dependent. I saw my father constantly trying to fix things and make everything better and I think I have developed the same time of relationship, I need to fix those I am with to feel better about myself and my situation. It’s also easier for me to blame my downfalls on the person I am with and their issues then dealing with my own.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?I do not trust my own feelings at all. Even if I know what I am feeling is right or justified I second guess everything. I also second guess my feelings because I am not 100% sure what I am supposed to feel, what I actually feel, or what the outcome will be if I feel a certain way.
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