Thought I'd give this a shot...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Thought I'd give this a shot...
...I have only been to a few Al-Anon meetings. I have never had a sponsor. But, I thought it would be interesting to work through the steps on-line.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I totally accept that I cannot control another person's drinking...for me it was their other behaviors, I suppose, where I typically get tripped up. For instance, I have a hard time discerning when I can or cannot discuss with someone a behavior they have that is not OK with me. I have really never learned how to do that.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I don't know, I just do? I'm not sure I understand this one.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I think alcoholism is much more complicated than 'a disease'. I think it is more of a disorder that is partly biological and partly environmental. (Please see the blog
)
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I've tried to change how other people react in a given situation, how they dress, how they view the world. The consequences were typically hurt, anger, and alienation for them and for me.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I'm sure that I have used manipulation or guilt in the past to get something I felt was a need or a 'needed response' from someone. I can't really come up with specific examples, but I know that it's true. I realize that being direct and asking for what I need would be better, but I am ACoA, and in my household growing up, we were not allowed to burden others with our own needs or wants. I still feel this way, so I try to meet my own needs. Stiff upper lip, and all. Now, if I need my spouse to help with the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, then sure, I can ask.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I have long since given up on asking anything of the active alcoholics in my family.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
Not much, really. I do find that having no expectations of specific behaviors or actions reduces my own stress immensely.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
By continually reminding myself that it is not my problem to solve. The active alcoholics in my family are all capable adults with free will to make their own decisions.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I always want problems to be fixed quickly. I hate, hate, hate having tension, conflicts, or outstanding problems linger! Sometimes there is no quick fix.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I'm not sure I understand this one. Situations...like financial, health?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When I think that a loved one's behavior or actions will cause others to not care about them or to think less of them. It's painful to me when other people are critical of the people I love.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Haven't actually been to a meeting in years. I hoped to gain peace, and my expectations have not changed.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My husband over my behavior and my health (I have a chronic health condition). I have no children. Specific examples are for me to know.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
Tears, and lots of them. Oh, and insomnia.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Absolutely! (or "Well, duh!" as a former boss would say). I struggle with my self esteem, but that has improved.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
More so in the past, but still do today--sometimes. Just more stress!
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes, I am naturally a nurturing person, and I don't think of that as a bad thing. I do find it hard to care for myself because I put myself last most of the time.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I love it when there is no drama, but I do seem to sometimes be waiting for 'the other shoe to drop' as they say. In the midst of a crisis I usually experience a sort of grim determination. If I'm being honest with myself, I feel as though I can use a crisis opportunity to prove myself worthwhile....someone others would want to have around.
How well do I take care of myself?
Midlin'. I eat well and try to get enough rest.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I enjoy periods of time alone, but I do enjoy contact with others.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is when you feel sorry for someone and their situation. Love is a choice. It is the determination to do good for the beloved. True love does not, necessarily, mean a benefit to self.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I'm quite sure I used to. My ex-husband was the 'wounded bird' who I thought I could 'save.' Blech!
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I do trust them, but I sometimes have a hard time determining what they are.
__________________________________________________ __________
Reading through this, it is brief and cursory, I know. But...it's a start
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
I totally accept that I cannot control another person's drinking...for me it was their other behaviors, I suppose, where I typically get tripped up. For instance, I have a hard time discerning when I can or cannot discuss with someone a behavior they have that is not OK with me. I have really never learned how to do that.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
I don't know, I just do? I'm not sure I understand this one.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I think alcoholism is much more complicated than 'a disease'. I think it is more of a disorder that is partly biological and partly environmental. (Please see the blog
)How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
I've tried to change how other people react in a given situation, how they dress, how they view the world. The consequences were typically hurt, anger, and alienation for them and for me.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
I'm sure that I have used manipulation or guilt in the past to get something I felt was a need or a 'needed response' from someone. I can't really come up with specific examples, but I know that it's true. I realize that being direct and asking for what I need would be better, but I am ACoA, and in my household growing up, we were not allowed to burden others with our own needs or wants. I still feel this way, so I try to meet my own needs. Stiff upper lip, and all. Now, if I need my spouse to help with the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, then sure, I can ask.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I have long since given up on asking anything of the active alcoholics in my family.
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
Not much, really. I do find that having no expectations of specific behaviors or actions reduces my own stress immensely.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
By continually reminding myself that it is not my problem to solve. The active alcoholics in my family are all capable adults with free will to make their own decisions.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
I always want problems to be fixed quickly. I hate, hate, hate having tension, conflicts, or outstanding problems linger! Sometimes there is no quick fix.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
I'm not sure I understand this one. Situations...like financial, health?
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When I think that a loved one's behavior or actions will cause others to not care about them or to think less of them. It's painful to me when other people are critical of the people I love.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
Haven't actually been to a meeting in years. I hoped to gain peace, and my expectations have not changed.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My husband over my behavior and my health (I have a chronic health condition). I have no children. Specific examples are for me to know.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
Tears, and lots of them. Oh, and insomnia.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Absolutely! (or "Well, duh!" as a former boss would say). I struggle with my self esteem, but that has improved.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
More so in the past, but still do today--sometimes. Just more stress!
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
Yes, I am naturally a nurturing person, and I don't think of that as a bad thing. I do find it hard to care for myself because I put myself last most of the time.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
I love it when there is no drama, but I do seem to sometimes be waiting for 'the other shoe to drop' as they say. In the midst of a crisis I usually experience a sort of grim determination. If I'm being honest with myself, I feel as though I can use a crisis opportunity to prove myself worthwhile....someone others would want to have around.
How well do I take care of myself?
Midlin'. I eat well and try to get enough rest.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I enjoy periods of time alone, but I do enjoy contact with others.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is when you feel sorry for someone and their situation. Love is a choice. It is the determination to do good for the beloved. True love does not, necessarily, mean a benefit to self.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
I'm quite sure I used to. My ex-husband was the 'wounded bird' who I thought I could 'save.' Blech!
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
I do trust them, but I sometimes have a hard time determining what they are.
__________________________________________________ __________
Reading through this, it is brief and cursory, I know. But...it's a start
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by HopefulinFLA 
Seren where did you find these questions? I'd like to run through all the steps this way.
I will be working through mine today. Good luck to you!
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